Rebirth of Love: Musings of a Recovering Yandere
by kotoko minazuki
Summary: The end of Mai HiME finds Shizuru and Natsuki reborn after the Carnival, but with the issues between them far from fully resolved. How do they deal with these, and more specifically what goes on in Shizuru's head as their relationship continues to evolve.
1. Chapter 1: Aftermath

**Author's Note:**  
This story started with my wondering more precisely what was going on in Shizuru's mind during the events of **Rebirth**. I was curious to see her take on what happened between her and Natsuki after the Carnival. So I took it as a writing exercise to see how retelling that tale in the first person, from her point of view, would work.

I discovered that there was more story going on in her head than I first expected. I hope there is enough new material (or at least that I have improved enough as a writer over the better part of a decade that has passed since penned that first story) to make this an interesting tale and not merely "the same thing over again."

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I want to extend a special thank you to **MahouLVH** for support, encouragement, reading and suggestions, as well as coming up with the subtitle: "Musings of a Recovering Yandere." We can both see Shizuru referring to this, and herself, that way—and only half in jest. It seemed to fit too well, so I stole it. Thanks Mahou.

Also, a big thanks to **Avadan232** for being a beta reader and patiently wading through drafts, sharing thoughts, and helping me improve.

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**Author's Note:**  
After finishing this story, the question of what was going through Natsuki's mind during these events began rattling around in my brain. Eventually, that story came out as **Midwife of the Soul**. During the course of writing that, a couple small improvements for this came up, so I've put up the revised version here. The changes mainly appear in chapters 7 and 9, if you want to avoid re-reading everything (but please don't let me do anything to dissuade you if you're so inclined).

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**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 1**

**Aftermath**

* * *

_It is better for a woman sunken in grief over misfortunes to shut her gate and live in seclusion, so quietly, awaiting nothing, that people cannot tell whether or not she is at home, rather than that she hastily decide to shave her head and become a nun._

_—Kenkō, Essays in Idleness #5_

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I awoke that morning to another day of responsibility and studies, much like any other. Since the end of the Carnival, I was glad to lay down the wild, destructive power of a HiME and return to being a simple student, and Student Council president. Perhaps I was more than just that, since Director Kazahana had begun stepping back from actively running the school, it also fell upon me to supervise the rebuilding of Fuuka Academy after all that had befallen it during that time of violent chaos.

But I get ahead of myself in this story. I am Fujino Shizuru, of Fuuka Academy. The HiME Carnival we so recently finished had been a time not only of terror, battle and destruction, but also of revelation for those of us swept up in it. Yet the greatest revelation and change came to me not during that crucible of mad combat, but rather afterwards. I almost said in the calm denouement, but there was far too much going on then to describe it as calm, even though the days of open battle were done. Still—at least for me—what happened after made even the events of the Carnival pale in comparison.

This is my story of those happenings.

ooo OOO ooo

Perhaps I should elaborate a little on the immediate aftermath of the Carnival before the actual beginning of my tale. With the destruction of the HiME Star and Obsidian Lord, we were freed to once more go about our ordinary lives. I say ordinary, but they never would quite be that given the trials and experiences we'd had.

The grounds of Fuuka Academy had been considerably damaged, and I asked Haruka to act as overseer for their immediate repairs. She had all the energy required to keep running around, here and there, making sure all of the little pieces of repairs were done correctly. In addition to that, she had Yukino at her side, to ably support her. I wonder if she will ever recognize just how Yukino looks to her. I understand that look in Yukino's eyes, though not fully why she would choose Haruka as the one to look at: but such choices are—and of right should be—intensely personal. It also did not hurt that Suzushiro Construction Company was the prime contractor here. Everyone agreed they were the ideal company to do the repairs, and this was doubly convenient given that Haruka's father runs the company.

Of course, I handled the higher level negotiations and communications where diplomacy mattered more than energy. Contrary to Haruka's belief, not every problem is best solved by the direct approach of bashing it with your head and willpower until something gives way. Much as my natural laziness would have liked to push her to do these, I knew that we needed them done well, and Haruka's temperament (and temper) would not get us there.

But, I also tried to minimize contact with Haruka and Yukino. Seeing them brought up too many feelings I was not ready to address. Yes, I still feel guilty for killing Dianna, whom Yukino summoned, and thus her dearest friend (and more) Haruka. Maybe I also avoid Yukino more, as I know how much harder it is to see a loved one suffer than to suffer yourself, so my feelings of guilt toward her are stronger. I also understand how painful it is to see your loved one hurt or ripped away from you. I feel I should apologize, but cannot find the courage. Yet, I had little choice for my actions: between my love for Natsuki and the dictates of the HiME Carnival, I could do no other.

I also studiously avoided Nao. She was easier, as nothing with the Student Council or school itself pushed us into contact. I still haven't forgiven her for what she did to Natsuki. I think I'd find it easier to forgive her had she attacked me directly instead of Natsuki, even had she hurt me terribly.

Natsuki... Now Natsuki was different, and posed a special dilemma for me. Yes, she had kissed me at the end and told me it was "all right," but I still wasn't sure if that applied now. My insecurity told me that she only did that because we were both about to die, and because there would be no consequences _we_ would have to live with afterwards. I dare say that had my death then been final, her words would have let my spirit rest in peace.

But our rebirth—at least death and rebirth seem the best terms to use for those of us who disappeared into sparkling green clouds, only to reappear later for the final battle with the Obsidian Lord. Our rebirth turned Natsuki's words and actions from a comfort to let me rest in peace into a conundrum to worry about. For since we were both still alive, she could have second thoughts—which I thought she ought to, since what I had done to her was an unforgivable violation of her privacy, her independence, ...of her very self. I also had plenty of time to rethink—and over-think—my actions.

My desire to see Natsuki, to be with her, to talk to her, and more, were still strong, but so too was my own insecurity. I greatly feared that Natsuki would repent of her actions in the ruined church back then. And if she did... No, no matter what she did, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to do whatever it took to make her happy, even if it meant forever giving up the enjoyment of her company.

So it was that I held back from Natsuki as well, telling myself I didn't want to be a bother to her. But I kept my eyes and ears open, and any scrap of information about Natsuki still had a way of grabbing my attention and sticking in my memory. Thus it was that I knew that she was currently living with Mai and Mikoto. After all, Nao and I had rendered her old apartment uninhabitable, and the city government came to that conclusion about the apartment's condition as well, officially branding it unfit for habitation. At school, Natsuki seemed to be attending classes regularly now, and otherwise going forward with her life.

I shall presume to take Bashō's words as mine, for I have found they applied to me equally.

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_But I should not have it thought from what I have said that I am devoted to solitude and seek only to hide my traces in the wilderness. Rather, I am like a sick man weary of people, or someone who is tired of the world. What is there to say? I have not led a clerical life, nor have I served normal pursuits._

My own dorm room was damaged similarly to Natsuki's, though not by fighting with Nao, so I faced a similar dilemma. I decided to find and move into whatever apartment I would live in for college a bit early. I could take advantage of my plan to attend Fuuka University, and only move once. Otherwise I would have needed to find temporary lodging for a handful of months and then again find and move into my college residence.

I found a simple 1LDK apartment, not too far from the university. In this I was lucky, as I had little time to look and the rental market in Fuuka was tight given that the damage and destruction caused during the Carnival had dramatically decreased the supply of housing while at the same time increasing the demand from everyone who had been displaced by that destruction. Natsuki and I were far from alone alone in our need for a new residence.

I decided against the small house down the street from this apartment, in spite of the lovely _fuji_ (wisteria) draped over the front and a more traditional interior. While the effect was quite artistic (the flowers would be lovely in spring) and there was a certain appropriateness given the name of the flowers, the place was not in very good condition. I decided that I had better things to do with my time that fix—or have fixed—the broken parts of the house, and I had no desire to lie awake at night wondering if the roof would withstand the wind and rain. After all, I was in Fuuka to study.

Some might be surprised at the apartment I chose. It was western style with carpet, a sofa, table and large western bed among the furnishings instead of the traditional tatami mats and sliding shoji. Despite what some people may think, I do not require a _jidaigeki_ (period drama) set to live in. While I can certainly enjoy those surroundings, I am more adaptable than some would credit me.

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Even in my new, more distant residence, I could not completely distance myself from Natsuki. She had sacrificed her motorcycle, her "treasured toy," in that last battle, which I now saw was how she engineered my salvation. I also know how much she loved riding her motorcycle. So in my behind-the-scenes style, I arranged for Yamada-han to "find" and repair Natsuki's beloved Ducatti, and then give it to her with the explanation that he had "worked this in as part of school repairs." I hoped that she would not suspect me.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The piece Shizuru quotes here, appropriating Matsuo Bashō's feelings for herself, is from his _The Unreal Dwelling_. He is more renowned for his haiku—being considered one of the masters of that art-form—but this is a prose piece of his, a narrative of his last dwelling place.

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Shizuru describes her apartment as 1LDK. This is the standard shorthand for describing apartments in Japan, especially in real estate listings. It means that it has one general-purpose "bedroom" plus a Living-room, Dining-room and Kitchen. These last three (especially the living and dining) are typically a combined space, and it is thus for Shizuru.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
I hope that I was able to capture Shizuru's tone and that her inner mind I show here is faithful to her depiction in the show. I find it a little bit frightening to see how similar her brain is to mine, and how easily her voice flows through my pen. Please let me know whether I've succeeded in channeling Shizuru or not. It also seems that she (we?) tend to be a bit wordy expressing our thoughts. For that we beg your indulgence.

I thought Shizuru would find it fitting to open each chapter with an epigraph from some piece of Japanese literature. I have occasionally taken the liberty to change the gender mentioned to match Shizuru when the Japanese did not explicitly specify such. Shizuru likely knows the literary corpus to choose from better than I, but that also means that she knows many more pieces which might be applicable to a given chapter, thus making it harder to choose. I wonder which of us would have an easier job—or which might enjoy the selection process more.

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As I was writing this, I first thought to perhaps put it into the frame of Shizuru telling this story to her parents. Those of you who have read my other _Mai HiME_ stories know that I have given Shizuru quite a good relationship with them. But I decided against that. For no matter how close Shizuru's relationship with her parents is, and no matter how much she trusts them, there are some things which are too private to tell even your most dear, trusted parents. So I choose the person (beyond Natsuki) whom Shizuru will trust enough to fully open her heart and mind to: you, the reader.

Thank you for being there and being someone with whom the normally private Shizuru feels that she can share her story, and the secrets of her heart.

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My muse and I will close this note as Shizuru might, presuming to take a piece from the Chinese preface to the classical _Kokin Wakashuu_ (Collection of Japanese Poems, Ancient and Modern) and apply its sentiments to ourselves.

_We regret that our compositions lack the beauty of spring flowers. ... In presenting ourselves before others, we fear their ridicule; upon privately examining our work, we are humiliated by evidence of clumsiness._

_—Ki no Yoshimochi, Kokinshuu_

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We very much want to hear your thoughts on this story. We would both like to see what this story makes you feel, or see, or think. I know it helps me with motivation as well as improving as a writer, and my muse seems to use them to fuel her engine of inspiration. We look forward to seeing your reviews, both short and long, and appreciate your effort in writing them.


	2. Chapter 2: One Stormy Night

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 2**

**One Stormy Night**

* * *

_Someone once told me this story. "I had failed to visit a certain lady for a long time, and, being aware of my negligence, I could imagine how annoyed she must be with me. I felt there was nothing I could say by way of apology. Just at this time a most unexpected and welcome message came from the lady."_

_—Kenkō, Essays in Idleness #36_

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If I must point to a beginning, it was that one stormy evening. I had gotten ready for bed and was trying to write one more letter asking for assistance in repairing the damages to Fuuka Academy.

This letter was putting up much more of a fight against being written than usual. Actually, the last few letters had been similarly uncooperative. Words which had previously flowed easily from my fingers needed to be prized out with great effort and coerced onto the page, and when I put together a phrase or paragraph in my head and was ready to type it in, something would snatch may attention away, forcing me to return and hunt for the remains of my thought.

More often than I wish to admit, what drew my attention away were thoughts of Natsuki: recalling the simple happiness her company brought those many times, musing on what she might be doing now, and often returning to the memory of holding each other at the end in the ruined church. It didn't help that this was the very laptop I was given when I became Student Council president, something I did to gain more access to school records for her, and for which she used it many times.

No, there were too many distractions of late for me to write easily, and too many of those distractions centered on Natsuki. Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign that while distracting, these thoughts were not unpleasant, nor I must admit, entirely unwelcome.

I had finally finished the letter when someone knocked at my door. This was odd, especially this late, but I got up and answered the door anyway.

I could not have been more surprised, and stood there staring, unable to say more than the name of my caller.

"Natsuki?"

She was holding her motorcycle helmet and her jeans and pullover were both damp from the rain. I remembered that she had never gotten her riding suit back after she lost it in the later events of the Carnival. I regretted my part in that loss, wishing I had done something to restore her suit so that she would not now be so cold and wet.

I finally found my voice and asked, "Would you like some tea?"

Natsuki shook her head and just remained standing there with a wan, tired smile on her face. I knew not why she came here or whence came her exhaustion, but my heart would never let me leave her standing there cold and tired. I was able to lead her into my apartment and invited her to sit down and relax on the sofa while I went to get a towel for her to dry off.

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She had fallen asleep by the time I returned, proving just how tired she was. I abandoned the towel and took out a blanket to cover her. As I tenderly pulled this up to keep her warm, I recalled how many times I had discovered her asleep in the Student Council room. She could fall asleep anywhere.

Having done what I could to ensure Natsuki did not catch cold, and thinking that she was already doing the best thing to take care of her exhaustion, I sat down on the opposite end of the sofa.

In sleep Natsuki was still breathtakingly beautiful. Her lovely hair flowing down her back, swept behind her shapely ear to clearly show the line of her jaw as it ran down to her chin. And above her chin were her lips. When they smiled, I found they could make the whole world a better place, though now they were relaxed, slightly parted to let her sleeping breath in. How I longed to take her in my arms, to hold her and tenderly kiss those lips, to wrap her in my protection, for asleep she looked more tender and vulnerable though just as beautiful as awake. But I did not. I would not. I vowed never to hold her or even touch her unless she explicitly gave me her permission, which I doubted I would ever be given. After all that I had done to her during the Carnival, how could she ever trust me enough to give me that permission. The thought of hoping that she might return something like my feelings was beyond even considering.

Still, I could watch without touching, and watch I did, and enjoy her presence.

ooo OOO ooo

I must have fallen asleep there on the sofa watching Natsuki, calmed by her soothing presence. That calm must not have lasted, for somewhere in my troubled sleep a dream came back to haunt me.

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_Red flowers of flame illuminate the dark ruins. Uncomprehending eyes of the dying look up at me, imploring. I am vengeance. I am retribution. They fall before me. They have hurt you; they have made you suffer. This, I will not allow. They will pay. Others have hurt you. I deal with them as well._

_You look at me, eyes full of shock and horror. "What have you done?" they seem to say._

_"Natsuki," I cry. "I did this for you. They hurt you. I have removed them. I am your vengeance. I love you."_

_But you do not love me. Your face tells me so. I have become what you hate: violent, evil, grasping. You turn to walk off, to walk out of my life forever._

_"Natsuki!" I cry. "Don't hate me! Don't leave me! Please!"_

_But you keep walking. I collapse to the ground, the very strength taken out of me. Instead of your enemies, what I have slain is any hope that you could ever return my feelings. I have become what I hate. I have destroyed the very thing that is most precious to me. I bury my face in the grass, wishing this to be the end. If I die here, will you even shed a tear for me?_

_A gentle hand touches my back. It softly rubs my shoulders, calmly, quietly, tenderly. As it does, my fears begin to dissipate. The flickering flames die out and are replaced by the cool white light of the moon, and in this moonlight, I see that it is you stroking away my fears. You have returned to me._

_I will not ask why you have returned. I will not beg you to love me. It is enough just to have you here, even though this is only a dream. I feel I can now sleep safely: in my dreams you protect me from my darkest demons._

.

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* * *

**Author's Note:**  
This retelling is turning out longer than **Rebirth** due to Shizuru's extra inner commentary, and I also see a few more things happening during this time. Shizuru and my tendency to get a bit wordy also doesn't make this any smaller.

Thus I've decided not to hold strictly to the chapter divisions in that older telling. I hope that the new chapter breaks work with the flow of the story, as I doubt this will be the only place you will see differing divisions.


	3. Chapter 3: Dawn of a New Day

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 3**

**Dawn of a New Day**

* * *

_Where did you come from,  
following dream paths  
through the night to reach me,  
these deep mountains  
still heaped high with snow?_

_—Ryōkan_

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I awoke next morning in my own bed to find Natsuki asleep in a chair pulled up next to it. I blinked to make sure this wasn't another dream, then rubbed my eyes since my normal dreams never placed her in that chair. Natsuki remained sitting there, continuing to be a real presence next to me. Her right hand lay stretched toward me on the edge of the bed. Perhaps it was not entirely in my dream where she had softly stroked away the fears in my nightmare. I found that a quite pleasant thought, but could it be real? Regardless, it made for a vastly better ending than I was used to having for that particular nightmare. It also seemed that last night's sleep had been the best I'd had in quite a while. The nightmare had not returned.

I tried to recall how Natsuki and I got here. All I remembered was her showing up yesterday evening, cold and wet. She fell asleep on the sofa while I was getting a towel for her to dry off. She must have been as tired as she looked. I sat down on the other end of the sofa and must have fallen asleep there.

But then, how did we get to my bedroom? I can only figure that Natsuki brought me back here.

_Thank you so much, Natsuki,_ I silently said.

My next conclusion was that I had not—even in my sleep—overstepped the bounds I set on myself, and had done nothing to her. Had I done anything, she would not be sitting here, and even if she were, she would certainly not be wearing the calm, peaceful expression that she did now.

She was so beautiful, sitting there, sleeping. I don't know how long I lay savoring her beauty and her company. An American author once wrote, "Remembrance is sufficient of the beauty we have seen," and I did my best to save every bit of this precious scene in my memory to treasure and support me in those times I could not have her near me. But still, I doubt memory's sufficiency, however much it may help.

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The sunlight streaming in through the window eventually reminded me that, as much as I enjoyed lying there gazing at Natsuki, I really ought to get out of bed. Certain things also could not wait. Could I possibly get up without disturbing her sleep? She looked so happy and peaceful that I didn't want to wake her, yet when I looked how she was seated, I doubted I could slip past without disturbing her. And were I to wake her trying to do so, I would be excessively close, and I feared that closeness would bring to her face the expression of fear and loathing she had when she discovered my twisted desires. The mere thought of that expression filled me with pain and regret, and there was no way I would ever bring that expression back to her face if I could at all avoid it. So I decided: waking her was the lesser evil.

"Natsuki. Please wake up." I called. "Natsuki."

But my words had no effect. I remembered how sound a sleeper she was. After all, how many times had I found her asleep like this in a chair in the Student Council room. Calling again still did not wake her, so I finally, hesitantly reached out and touched her hand laying on my bed.

Natsuki opened her eyes, blinked and took in her surroundings, especially it seemed to me, the girl lying before her on the bed who had just touched her hand. I saw her expression flash briefly through annoyance, then concern before settling into the normal one she wore. Hopefully I had not just offended her. I took solace in the memory that she usually showed that slight annoyance on waking, so I was likely not the cause. But whence came the concern?

"Natsuki," I said. "I'm sorry to wake you, but I think it's time to get up."

"Sure," she answered, and scooted her chair back to make room for me.

I thanked her and sat up on my bed for a moment before heading across the hall to wash my face among other things.

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Taking care of such gave me time to think. Falling asleep and needing to be helped to bed didn't exactly fit with my normal image, but if there's anyone I want to be able to relax and not worry about that in front of, it is Natsuki. I half snickered to myself. Few people cared less for traditional propriety than Natsuki, even if she is scrupulous in maintaining herself and her appearance. But, I realized, Natsuki's opinions, thoughts and reactions were far, far more important to me than everyone else's. Because of that, I found I kept a much tighter watch and leash on myself in front of her. It was, I decided, because of how much I cared for her, and I sometimes found the depth and strength of that caring terrifying.

Even though I still wasn't sure what all Natsuki did for me last night, I wanted to do something for her in turn. Well, I always want to do something for her, but this offered a nice excuse.

I looked into my bedroom on my way to the kitchen. Natsuki seemed as if she had fallen asleep again, so I took this chance to savor her beauty once more. After a short time spent leaning against the door frame, watching her, I decided to see if she really was asleep. If so, I wanted to let her sleep as long as possible. That was the least I could do for her.

"Natsuki?" I quietly asked.

She quickly turned her green eyes to me. Apparently she had not fallen asleep again. I wonder if I correctly interpreted her expression. It seemed her eyes were filled with simple curiosity, but also with a little bit of concern for me. We simply gazed at each other for a while. I do not know what she was thinking, but I was simply content to drink my fill of her beauty while I was allowed. I do not know how long we might have continued looking at each other had not the beginnings of hunger finally moved me to speak. And here I mean the normal hunger of the stomach, not the powerful, aching hunger of the heart I felt for Natsuki.

"Thank you for taking care of me last night, Natsuki. If you're hungry, I can make some breakfast."

"Yeah. Thanks," she replied.

With those two simple words she made me happy: happy I would be able to do something for her, happy that we would be able to eat together, but especially happy to see the beginnings of a smile on her face and to think I might have brought that about.

She immediately followed her answer by getting up and heading out with me to the kitchen.

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As I was getting out the makings of tea and breakfast, a beautiful, gentle voice caressed my ears.

"Can I help any?"

I could never refuse a request like that from Natsuki. The mere fact that she wanted to help warmed my heart, and the chance to work together with her—on anything—was good in its own right. She had to ask what to do and where things were, so it took longer before we were ready to eat than it might have otherwise. The table was not set precisely enough to satisfy Grandmother, but neither of us minded. It was Natsuki helping me. I would happily have eaten greasy fast food off newspaper if she had helped with it.

While we prepared breakfast, Natsuki tried very hard to hide her frustration at not being able to do this perfectly, no matter how hard she tried. I doubt anyone else could have noticed this. But her willingness to try, and to try to be perfect, only made her more precious to me.

We finally sat down to a quiet breakfast together. If only more of my days could begin this way, I wished. We ate in silence: Natsuki was never a talkative one, and I felt no need to fill this comfortable, companionable silence with words. This silence also seemed much less awkward than some of those between us at school. Natsuki didn't seem to be trying so hard to keep the world at bay, or perhaps (I hope) she simply did not include me in that world she wished to push away. Her calm, accepting presence helped me forget the look of rejection and horror on her face when she discovered what my feelings for her really were and just how much I was willing to do for her. I was content to let that demon sleep for now.

We finished the meal and I refilled our teacups. Natsuki had not objected to drinking tea: she even drained her cup. I lifted my cup to my nose and let the fragrant steam bring me some measure of calm.

"Natsuki, thank you for helping me last night. I didn't mean to make you put me to bed. I don't remember you doing so, but... Thank you."

"It's OK," she answered. "You must have put that blanket on me when I fell asleep on the sofa. I guess it was my turn to help."

I had to laugh. "I guess so... Did I cause you any trouble when you put me to bed?"

"Other than not waking up and walking yourself there?" she countered, and her grin brought a new light of beauty to her face. "No... but you did seem to have a nightmare after getting into bed."

Natsuki was teasing me, maybe mildly, but still teasing. I could grow to like that ...no, I already had. And how could I not remember the nightmare that had become my regular nighttime visitor, however unwelcome. Was I ready to talk about it? I gazed into Natsuki's eyes, hoping to somehow find an answer there. The quiet concern I saw told me that maybe, just maybe, I _had_ found the one person with whom I could share this burden. I hoped I could, I truly wanted to share, to keep no secrets from Natsuki. But was I ready?

I was able to tell her that it had indeed been a nightmare, one far too familiar, and I thanked her for whatever she did that helped. Remembered pain brought me to a stop there. I closed my eyes against it.

"Would talking help?" her hesitant voice asked, tenderly drawing my gaze back to her and offering to help share my burden.

Was I ready to talk about that nightmare? It was a nightmare that showed the depth and cost of my madness, that grasping, possessive madness which had killed so many during the Carnival and poisoned Natsuki's ability to ever see me without fear. Why she did not look afraid of me then, I could not tell. By all rights she ought to be, for who knows when my control would again snap and what might I do to her; even I could not know. But no, I did not see fear in her eyes, merely a calm, green acceptance.

My fear won out for the moment, and I put off talking, instead suggesting we take care of the dishes before the remains of breakfast dried on and became hard to clean.

"Here, let me help," she offered. "That is if you don't think that would be risking your dishes too much."

I just had to laugh in reply while I carried some dishes to the sink. How did she know that I needed that levity to restore my mood. And restore it she most certainly did. What an amazing and wonderful power she has.

"I'm sure you won't drop them," I told her. "Of all the things you've been, clumsy has never been one of them."

Natsuki set down her dishes next to mine and shook her head at my teasing in return. I realized just how much I had missed this kind of light-hearted banter with her, and it looked like she might just feel the same way.

We finished the dishes without incident: Natsuki dropped nothing (as I expected), and I did nothing untoward to her (to both our relief, I'm sure). Truth be told, her simple presence working beside me, drying what I washed, seemed to satisfy whatever longings I had.

I also noticed that she remembered where to put away most of what we washed, and not only those pieces she had taken out. Had she been watching me that closely while we prepared breakfast? How else would she know? But then, why was she watching? Hope and fear gave me two separate answers. I desperately wanted to believe the hope.

We soon finished, but I did not want this comfortable familiarity of working together to end, so I gathered my hope tight to my heart and hesitantly asked if she had any other plans for the day.

She said she needed to find someplace quiet to study.

Habit made me tease her about being a conscientious student, and I was rewarded with a cute blush. I then forewent further teasing and allowed a tiny flower of hesitant hope to open as I ventured.

"You're more than welcome to study here if you'd like."

"Thanks..." Natsuki's answer was everything I could have asked for. Not only did her cute blush deepen, but she agreed, then explained, "I'll need to go get my books, though."

ooo OOO ooo

While Natsuki headed back to the dorms to fetch her books, I took the opportunity to wash up and change. I picked out a skirt and blouse which I remembered had previously brought a smile to her face. I hoped she would like them again. I quickly arranged my hair and face, wanting to look my best for her. If she notices I'm happy, but even if she says nothing, it feels good to do this for her.

After making myself presentable, I began picking up and straightening things around my apartment. I knew she would never consider my place messy—or really care if it were—but this gave me something to do: to use my nervous energy and keep me from sitting, fretting and fidgeting. Natsuki was coming over! I so wanted her to feel welcome, to have a good time.

Thankfully my straightening up could be stopped at any point, which is exactly what I did when Natsuki returned, book bag in hand. Her hair was still slightly damp, and I caught the faint scent of a clean, cool sea-breeze: her usual shampoo. I thought this shampoo fit her well. Clean and cool are obvious associations, and she always had some connection to the ocean, ever changing like it's moods, yet with unexplored depths; not to mention that she swam well and looked ...stunning in a swimsuit. Anyway, it seemed that she had also taken time to wash up and change. "For me?" I wanted to wonder.

"Will this work?" I asked, gesturing to the now-cleaned table where we recently shared breakfast.

"Yeah," she answered, then sat down and took out her books.

Could she know how much the calm, ordinary way she did this meant to me? I hoped to be able to tell her someday.

"I haven't been able to concentrate recently," she explained, opening a textbook. "Maybe I'm just not used to roommates. Mikoto's nice, but she doesn't seem to understand the concept of quiet study time."

I smiled back, nodding. I did understand, and if it would help Natsuki study, would gladly take a vow of silence. I settled for getting my own books and sitting down across from her at the table. We both seemed to settle into studying quietly together with no trouble. The occasional rustle of a turning page and the quiet scratching of pen on paper filled the corners of the silence surrounding us, making it companionable, supportive and nurturing, not oppressive at all. I was able to offer her this haven. I was quite glad to be able to give this to Natsuki, and I was repaid by her seeming to settle in here so comfortably; repaid so well that I felt in her debt.

I needed a break before she did. Perhaps my head was in greater turmoil. She continued quietly concentrating on her book. So I quietly got up and made tea from the kettle I usually have going. I returned with two cups, silently set one down beside Natsuki before returning to my seat to savor my tea and also the delicious sight of Natsuki seen over the rim of my cup.

Natsuki picked her cup up, took a sip, and smiled. The whole world was suddenly a better place.

"Thanks," she said. "Maybe I did need something like this."

"You're welcome," I replied. _And thank you for that, Natsuki. If it will bring that peaceful, happy smile to your face, I will gladly boil the oceans dry to make tea for you._

I decided that continuing to stare at Natsuki would not only make her uncomfortable, but would likely also irritate her and interfere with the studying she said she so needed to do. I didn't need to constantly look at her to enjoy her presence; I could simply enjoy working together at this table with her. There was always more to do for the Student Council, and that would be a nice change from the math I had been doing.

I opened my laptop. Next on my list to do was another letter requesting assistance like the one that had taken such an effort to write yesterday evening. Well, the concentration would do me good and certainly keep me from bothering Natsuki. And, the letter did need to get written.

After a quick review of who and what, I began to type. The words flowed from my fingers, and before my tea could even begin to cool, I was staring at the completed letter. I read back through it and found that it sounded right: the phases flowing and polite, the details of this donor's previous assistance described in the best light, the request neither too presumptuous nor too obsequious. Where had last night's difficulty gone? Why was this letter so easy in comparison? I picked up my tea again and sought the answer to this conundrum in its calming scent and flavor.

Somewhere in the back of my head, a small, quiet voice whispered to me that the answer to why this letter was so much easier sat across the table from me, her green eyes focused on her book.

I took another sip and pondered what the voice had said.

As I did, it whispered to me again, _And this is just as it should be._ I could hear a definite smile in the voice this time.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The American author Shizuru refers to is E.B. White, author of _Charlotte's Web_ among others. The quote Shizuru gives is actually one he attributes to his Aunt Caroline. It seems Shizuru knows more literature than just Japanese.


	4. Chapter 4: Lunchtime Talk

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 4**

**Lunchtime Talk**

* * *

_It was not easy to keep awake on even the short nights of June, but if she did not fall asleep she would not dream of those who had passed away. Faintly the shadow of her single light fell on the wall outside, and all night the dismal drumming of the rain sounded on the lattice of the windows._

_—The Tale of the Heike_

.

We studied the morning away, sitting together at my table. I divided my time between academic and Student Council work. Both went more smoothly than they had of late. It seems that Natsuki's simple presence was more calming than distracting. As it grew close to noon, Natsuki stopped and looked up at me.

"I'm hungry," she declared, then continued, asking, "Shall we get some lunch?"

Did she just asked me on a date? She just said she wanted to share another meal with me, didn't she? This was ...wonderful. My whole face must have lit up with joy.

"That sounds like a good idea," I replied. How could I possibly answer otherwise? "Do you have someplace in mind?" I asked. For wherever she wished to go, there would I gladly follow.

"No... I hadn't thought that far."

I laughed and closed my laptop. This was the Natsuki I knew and loved, and I rejoiced at her once more showing this mix of planning and spontaneity.

"I know a nice small place nearby," I suggested. "That is, if you don't mind a short walk and not having mayonnaise as the main course."

Habit forced out that last bit of teasing her about her love of that condiment. I meant well, but instantly feared I might just have upset the delicate balance that allowed us this comfortable companionship.

The sound of Natsuki's laughter at this was a spring of cool, clean water on the desert of my doubt. But far, far better than her laughter, was her actual answer.

"Sure, let's go."

Natsuki agreed to go on a date with me! I bit down on the surge of giddiness this sent coursing through me, for I feared she would not react well to the full extent of my interest, ...my obsession. I could still think of this as a date, though, even if she did not. As long as she had a good time, I would never complain.

.

I led the way downstairs and through a couple narrow streets from my apartment to the restaurant I had in mind. When we arrived, Natsuki looked at the sign on the red awning over the front proclaiming it to be "Chinese Cuisine: Otome" and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Chinese?" she asked. "I thought you would have picked a place with traditional Japanese food."

A laugh bubbled up from my joy at her teasing me like this. "I'm not that limited," I replied, then added that Otome made good noodles, though she might prefer a different dish since she was living with Mai, whose ramen were renowned school-wide.

Natsuki gave me a smile and nod in answer, then moved to open the door. I guess she didn't mind eating here. Only then did I realize that she had followed me here without asking a single question about the restaurant I suggested. Did she care that little about what she would eat, or could it possibly be that she fully trusted me with this decision?

The younger of the two sisters running Otome welcomed us when we entered and told us help ourselves to an empty seat. Natsuki glanced around the interior of the restaurant as we found an empty table for two near the door.

"This place doesn't feel empty even though there aren't many other folks here," she remarked.

I agreed. There were only five other customers at two tables, so less than a third of the seats were taken. I figure Natsuki was trying to make small talk to continue calming me after my nightmare. My heart swelled in gratitude at her caring generosity.

The same sister who welcomed us came up to give each of a glass of water and check if we were ready to order. We were and both ordered a simple fried rice, and of course tea to go with it. She disappeared into the kitchen to place our order.

ooo OOO ooo

As soon as the sister headed back to the kitchen with our order, I began gathering my courage, for I needed that courage to face my nightmare again and tell Natsuki. I was determined to tell her now. She said she wanted to listen and help, and something whispered that she might just be the one who could offer the most help. But how to find that courage? I looked over at Natsuki, waiting patiently across the table from me, then recalled her hand in my dream, gently smoothing away my fears.

Bolstered by her mental support, I could finally begin. "Thank you for taking care of me last night. Since you were sleeping in the chair next to my bed, I can only assume that my nightmare was enough to make you think I needed looking after. That is, unless watching me sleep has become your new favorite pastime."

Why did I fall into teasing her again? She was trying to help, and I was ...not.

"Shizuru!" Yet something in her expression said her outrage was merely out of habit and mostly feigned.

"I'm sorry, Natsuki. I shouldn't tease you while I'm trying to thank you like this." Perhaps my both teasing and her "outrage" were almost second nature. Did she know that her cute, blushing face was also a salve to my quaking soul and support for my courage? Even if she did not know, her face still gave me the strength to continue.

"Anyway, in my nightmare, at the end, I do remember you coming and saving me, so if your sitting at my bedside helped that, I appreciate it. Could you tell me more of what happened?"

She looked uncertain for a moment before answering. I'm not sure what was going through her mind, but her expression—even uncertain as it was—made me feel better, supported, ...less alone.

"Last night, I helped you to bed. I was heading out to sleep on the sofa, but you called out `Natsuki, don't leave me' as I was heading there. So I came back to see if you woke up. You hadn't, but you were curled up and shaking like a leaf. You looked like you were having a nightmare."

"That I was," I answered.

The memory of the nightmare once more sent a chill wind of fear through me which fanned the flames of my madness brighter, eager to flare back into a full blaze of insane, destructive obsession. I took a sip of the comforting warmth of my tea which had just appeared. That chill wind seemed to have frozen any further words I might add.

Natsuki spoke to fill the silence I left.

"I didn't know what to do." I heard confusion color her voice; it sounded like even now she did not know. "I didn't know if I should wake you up, so I just took the chair, sat down and started rubbing your back. I didn't mean to bother you. I guess I must have fallen asleep doing that."

So that part of my dream _had_ been true. She even continued rubbing my back until she fell asleep. In no way did I deserve to be so blessed. I tried to smile, to show how much I appreciated Natsuki's help, but the terror of the nightmare, the demon of madness lurking there to devour me and others, still sapped most of my strength to do so. My expression must have only been a pale echo of what might have been called a smile, but it was still one of sincere thanks.

"You weren't a bother; you were a help," I told her. "You rubbed my back in my dream too, and that brought me out of my nightmare. Thank you for saving me there, even if it was just with a touch in a dream. The worst part of the nightmare..."

I took a breath and another sip of tea, reaching to find calm. But far, far better for me than either breath or tea was Natsuki's expression. Try as I might I could find no rejection there, only concern. And if she showed concern for me now... I would try to rely on her. I could continue.

"In the nightmare, I was reliving the terrible parts of the Festival and the unforgivable things I did."

Her green eyes caught and held mine. Whence came the strength and support I saw in them? I prayed I was truly seeing that in her eyes and not letting my own hope betray me.

Even with Natsuki's support, I could speak no more, so I silently begged her, _Please forgive me for what I did during the HiME Festival. I don't blame you for being disgusted at that; I am. I feel I went mad then. I should have been able to restrain myself, but I didn't. Please forgive me for what I did to you. Waking up this morning and seeing you there was a dream come true. Please don't push me away. But even if you must, please, please don't hate me._

I know not if Natsuki understood any of this silent entreaty. How could she, for telepathy lives only in science fiction and fantasy stories, not the real world of high-school girls and Chinese restaurants. Perhaps she read something in my face, but what that was I could only hope. Her eyebrows raised in a brief question, then her features softened into a kind smile I had never before seen, and this smile brought a beauty to her face exceeding any ability of mine to describe.

"Shizuru," Natsuki said in a voice tender and caring beyond any I had heard pass her lips, "we've all done things we wish we hadn't. We can't keep them bottled up inside. You know how I lived only for revenge for years after my mother's death. Nao was the same. Her hatred for those who had hurt her family ate her up. But there was one difference: Nao didn't have anyone like you who stood by her as friend, like you did for me for all those years." She cocked her head, reflecting on memories. "I tried to push you away. I don't know what you saw, but you wouldn't be pushed away. Your staying with me saved me; I never became bitter like Nao. I can see that something is eating away at you. Can I help?" Entreaty now colored the tenderness in her voice. "Is there anything I can do? Please let me."

I reached deep inside, desperately grasping for control, and found the earliest, oldest lessons in self-control learned from Grandmother when I was tiny: those lessons learned before most social graces, before I ever touched the discipline of the _naginata_, before I entered school, long before I even conceived of sexual attraction. And I was able to maintain control, though the iron grip I needed to hold myself must have shown on my face. I hope that Natsuki didn't think she had offended me. No. Quite the opposite. I held myself under such a strong, tight grip to keep from breaking down in relief, in happiness, in an inappropriate display of gratitude for a boon I so desperately wanted and knew I in no way deserved and which I dared not ask for.

_Natsuki_ wanted to help _me._ She was begging me to let her. Perhaps her entreaty combined with my wish to help her and gave me the strength to speak.

"I... Natsuki, you know I love you." There. I said it, though my voice quavered and was far quieter than this deep truth deserved. "I know you don't love me the same way, but that's all right. What made my nightmare so terrible was that in it you rejected me for what I had done—hated me for what I had become, for becoming something I myself hate." I took a deep breath to try to find calm after stating—and reliving—that terrible fear.

"Shizuru." Natsuki's voice was as tender as her expression, as though she could smooth away my fears now with her voice, just like she did with her her hand rubbing my back last night. "I told you, `It's OK,' back at the ruined church. It still is." She captured and held my eyes with her gaze, telling me she sincerely meant every one of these important words. "I still mean that. I mean everything I said there," she elaborated. "I don't hate you. I don't think I could."

Natsuki's face blurred from the tears which welled up in my eyes. I blinked and sniffed trying to clear them away. It wasn't very effective and was even less ladylike. But it cleared my vision enough to look back at Natsuki with the new-found hope blossoming in my heart as she continued her beautiful, healing words.

"Shizuru, I _do_ care for you. I'm truly sorry that I don't love you the same way you love me. I... I've never felt that about anyone, man or woman. That's my failing, I guess."

Natsuki's words, "I don't love you," hurt. How could they not? They denied one of my profoundest dreams. But that pain was alleviated by her prior words of comfort and reassurance. It also took a moment for my brain to hear all that Natsuki said, not just the parts that my fear would let me hear. Natsuki wasn't denying _all_ love of me, just one particular form—though a particularly hoped-for one. She even said it was her fault that she didn't love me. How strange, Natsuki both quashed and encouraged my hopes in the same sentence.

Maybe Natsuki saw a hint of pain or disappointment in my face, so she continued.

"But I understand your fear. If..." She closed her eyes for a moment, shutting them against some fear of hers. "The thought of you rejecting me, of you leaving me... I can't... I don't want to even think of that."

Natsuki paused, and I sniffled again. At least I didn't have to worry about her caring for ladylike decorum or lapses from it. I would give her anything: my heart (though it had been in her keeping for years), my soul, my very life itself. I would gladly give these to her and consider myself blessed to be allowed to do so.

I was very glad the table next to us was empty. This was not the type of private emotion to share with a random stranger. On the other hand, I was also glad we weren't completely alone in the restaurant, that we were in a somewhat public place. Here all the instincts Grandmother and Mother had instilled in me combined to help keep me from breaking down in public at this boon Natsuki had granted me.

"You remember how big Duran was at the end?" Natsuki asked.

Where was she going with her words now? I could only wait and see. How could she be this kind do me? I didn't deserve it. After what I'd done to her, her kindness was unwarranted.

"His size showed how much I care for you," she explained. "That wasn't hate. Please, never think that. Think about what happened at the end when we both disappeared. Didn't that show that you were the one I cared most about, just like I was for you?"

Natsuki did have a point there. I nodded. The more I thought, the more sense she made. I now trusted that she could easily tell the difference between hate and caring. Back then I had believed my madness which told me she must hate me, for I myself hated what I had become at the end of the Carnival. That Natsuki's caring was the source Duran's size had not even crossed my madness-clouded mind.

Even if Natsuki never would love me, she did care, and this was concrete evidence of how much she did. That alone made me feel better.

Some of this must have shown on my face. I saw a smile begin to form on Natsuki's and felt the corners of my mouth lift in answer. We continued simply looking at each other for a while: smile bringing forth smile, happiness calling forth happiness.

Finally, I had to speak.

"Thank you, Natsuki," I told her. "Thank you very much."

Those words were wholly inadequate, but they were the ones I had, and Natsuki's expression showed their full meaning made it across to her.

.

I returned from focusing on Natsuki to find my meal already in front of me. When had this arrived? I didn't mind, and respected the skill shown delivering it, as well as the tea earlier, without interrupting our important conversation. I also respected the ability to sense our conversation was that important and should not be interrupted.

It looked like Natsuki was similarly surprised by the arrival of our meal. Since it was now in front of us, both of us took a bite after the usual words.

I think Natsuki needed to relax the same way I did. As much as I needed this conversation, I could not sustain that intensity: neither of the fear and terror reliving my nightmare, nor of the equally intense relief Natsuki granted me. I was surprised to find I could actually taste my meal; thankfully it was tasty. This meant I had been far more tense and nervous than I even let myself realize. Only now did I even notice the quiet classical music they have playing in the background: one of Bach's Goldberg Variations in this case.

_Thank you again, Natsuki,_ I silently said. For without her help to calm me, there would have been no room for both the food and the knots in my stomach.

After a couple more bites, Natsuki looked back up and said, "Hey, this is really good."

It looked like she also was quite enjoying her meal. I was glad I had been able to bring her someplace she enjoyed the food, even more so given the good she did for me.

The rest of our meal was filled with simple, light conversation: the simple talk that two good friends would have. Talking that way together with Natsuki felt quite good as well, as did my feeling that we just might do this again.

ooo OOO ooo

Next morning I left for school a little early and stopped by our neighborhood's shrine. This small one was also to Inari Ōkami, just like the big, magnificent one in Fushimi not all that far from my parents home in Kyoto, though this was far from the smallest shrine I'd seen. It still had a resident priest and was big enough to be the focus of neighborhood festivals, or so said the fliers on the community bulletin board.

I gave a slight bow as I stepped through the _torii_ into the shrine, washed my hands and mouth and made my way inside. The clattering of my coin in the offering box and the clatter of the bell I rang were as loud as my prayer of thanks for what Natsuki had granted me yesterday was silent. I'm not a religious person, and I never really visited shrines or temples before except for something like New Year's, but these thanks just seemed the right thing to do. It was definitely safer to fully, silently express my thanks here than to Natsuki directly. I hoped someday to no longer need this restraint.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
The restaurant Shizuru and Natsuki go to is modeled pretty directly after one that I will frequent in Japan: name, menu, floor-plan, and all. I wonder if my subconscious was at work then. This time, I added a few more details about Otome. After all, why invent when you can steal.

This is the same restaurant I used in **Rebirth**, name and all. It was only after I finished writing that I realized the name could quite appropriately be considered a nod to _Mai Otome._ I long ago learned not to argue with serendipity.

I will also extend sincere congratulations to any of you who can identify and find the real restaurant where Shizuru and Natsuki have this important lunchtime talk.


	5. Chapter 5: More Than Tests and Tea

**Author's Note:**  
Here's the next chapter of **Rebirth of Love: Musings of a Recovering Yandere**. Sorry about the confusion with putting up the wrong chapter last weekend. Hopefully the incorrect chapter 2 didn't confuse you for long. That mistake threw my muse and I for a loop, so this next chapter took longer to get ready to post than we wished. Thanks for your patience.

I hope this story is turning out to be worthwhile and enjoyable. Please keep telling me what you think, and how it affects you. Your reviews feed my motivation, not to mention my muse. We both thank you for them and look forward to hearing more from you.

.

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 5**

**More Than Tests and Tea**

* * *

_Let's be merry over cups  
And enjoy our fill tonight  
See the trees and grass,  
How they grow and bloom in spring,  
And in autumn wither and fade._

_—Lady Ōtomo-no-Sakanoue, Manyoushuu #995_

.

Natsuki continued coming over to study at my apartment. I welcomed any pretext for her company, and it seemed that Natsuki found the environment here more conducive to quiet study than the room she shared with Mai and Mikoto. It even seemed that she was starting to enjoy the tea I made for us (as opposed to simply accepting the drink).

I tried to let her know that I was always happy to have her here without seeming obsessively creepy. I cannot begin to say how wonderful it felt to me when it seemed that the question about our next study session changed from "if" to simply, "when".

When Natsuki's visits started to become regular, I talked to Setoyama-han, the apartment manager, to see what arrangements I could make for Natsuki to regularly park her motorcycle. Parking is a precious commodity around here. It turned out that a previous tenant had made similar arrangements when he lived here. He had parked his motorcycle in the same spot near the stairs that Natsuki was already using. Setoyama-han suggested this location, and I happily agreed. I was even happy to pay a small increase in rent to reserve this location. Parking isn't free, and this was doing something for Natsuki, which made it a worthwhile expenditure in my book.

.

As winter final exams grew closer, our study sessions expanded from weekends to other days of the week, and with that so did my happy enjoyment.

We were doing some last-minute studying together Thursday evening before our last tests when Natsuki looked up at me and asked, "Hey Shizuru, are you free next Sunday? You wanna do something to celebrate the end of exams? You said you're already doing something this Sunday, but..."

What had I done to be granted this oh-so-pleasant and welcome surprise? I could think of nothing. Natsuki had seemed friendlier these past couple weeks, which I found a wonderful development in itself, but this was also the first time she'd ever suggested anything other than studying together. It even seemed she remembered that I had a director's tea party meeting this Sunday. I'm pretty sure that I only mentioned that once in passing, and if she had been paying close enough attention to pick that up...

"Of course," I told her. "What would you like to do?"

How could I answer her invitation otherwise. I then quickly restrained the great gushing of hope which welled up in my heart. I told myself that this was merely Natsuki being nice and thanking me for the quiet study space I was giving her. I refused to let myself hope that Natsuki actually knew that day was my birthday (well, technically the next day was, but if we were to celebrate it, then a Sunday would be much more appropriate), and even more I squelched the hope she wanted to do something for it. I guess that Natsuki was nervous about asking anyway, as her lovely face had taken on a slight reddish hue.

We arranged to meet that day for dinner at Otome again, then went back to our studying. Both of us had exams tomorrow, and as pleasant as this simple talking and planning was (certainly to me), we both wanted to do well on the exams.

The evening grew late and Natsuki finally closed her book. "I really ought to be heading back. If I don't now, I'll probably wake up Mai and Mikoto when I get there." She smiled at me, making my heart skip a beat. "Thanks again for letting me study here," she said as she packed away her books and put on her jacket.

"You're welcome," I told her, smiling, wanting to thank _her_ for giving me such a wonderful time. I settled for wishing her, "Good luck on your test tomorrow."

"You too," she said, making my heart overflow with joy and gratitude. I almost felt that those two words would do more to help me with tomorrow's tests than all the studying I had done.

I got up and walked with her to the door. She said goodbye and headed down the stairs. I stood there in the open door, watching as she descended the stairs to where she parked her motorcycle, put on her helmet, mounted and started her engine, then gave me a friendly wave of goodbye before riding off. I stayed there in the open door, as had become my habit, watching her ride off down the street, passing in and out of the patches of light from the streetlights. She finally turned the corner a few blocks down the street, disappearing from view and leaving behind only the sweet, precious memory of her presence.

I reluctantly closed the door and leaned back against it for a bit, looking up the hall into my apartment. It now seemed, smaller, empty, almost lonely. To occupy myself with something other than memories and melancholy, I returned and started picking up the tea service. As I washed it and put it away, I began thinking. These study sessions with Natsuki were becoming some of my most treasured moments. Her simple company was a priceless gift, and even if all I could offer her was a quiet place to study and a table at which to do so, I was happy to be able to offer these to Natsuki. It made me even happier that Natsuki accepted my offer and seemed content—even happy, herself—to sit across this table studying together with me.

As I wiped off our table and straightened the chairs around it, I realized that my thought at the door was not quite true, and I smiled. It seemed that even after Natsuki had left, a little piece of her remained here with me, smiling, laughing, continuing to bring me joy and peace.

It was now time for me to go to bed as well. I bathed, slipped into my _yukata_, and finished the rest of my preparations. Before sliding into bed, I took that chair and placed it there, next to the bed.

I looked over at it from beneath the covers. This now also seemed to have become part of my bedtime ritual. If (or as was regrettably still too often the case, when) my nightmare returned and woke me, I would look over at the chair in the dim light from the window and remember Natsuki sleeping there, watching over me, her gentle hand caressing away my night terrors. And with that, my cares would be eased. Was this ritual silly? Was I? Even were this the case, it seemed that my nightmares were decreased of late. No longer was every night shattered by the terror of my madness and the demon into which it had turned me. It was as if the memory of Natsuki continued to sit in that chair each night, protecting me from my darkest dreams.

_Thank you, Natsuki,_ I thought. _Once again, you are helping me. And you don't even know you are._

Someday I should tell her. That would certainly embarrass her—which would be cute—but I realized that what I really wanted was not her cute reaction, but for her to know how much I appreciated her help.

These pleasant thoughts carried me off to a peaceful, restful night's sleep.

ooo OOO ooo

December is the time of year for the Student Council elections. My term as president would end with the term at Christmas and a younger student would take over. The motivation for this timing was to allow seniors to spend their last term concentrating on college and also to preserve some continuity as the previous president would still be at school for that term to answer any questions the incoming one might have.

Of course, there is actual work involved with holding an election. At our next Student Council meeting I was able to convince Haruka to take over most of the running of the election itself in addition to her obvious role of ensuring all candidates and their campaigns followed the rules.

"I think the student body would be reassured if someone with your well-known zeal for justice was running the election as well," I told her. I even managed to do so with a straight face. While some may debate whether she understands justice, all agree she has considerable zeal.

"Of course. My refutation will convince them of the election's fairness."

"Then thank you for taking on this task." I refrained from correcting or laughing at her habitual malapropism, and contented myself with knowing she would be doing most of the work.

I would, of course, as the current Student Council president, need to certify and announce the results of the election, but that would take minimal effort.

I wonder if Haruka notices or cares about the amount of my work I arrange for her to do. I think it likely that Yukino does, though she then keeps these observations to herself.

ooo OOO ooo

That Sunday brought me to the Director's Mansion for another formal tea party. Though Director Kazahana was nominally hosting the party, Himeno-han took over more of the responsibilities than previously. It seemed that since the end of the Carnival, Director Kazahana had withdrawn further into the background, leaving Himeno-han to assume more of her duties, just has she left supervising much of the rebuilding to me. Neither were typical behavior for the head of a private school, but then Director Kazahana has never been ordinary.

This party's invitation list included Matsudaira-han (also in her third year at Fuuka, though in a different class), Ikenaga-sensei (who is her homeroom teacher), and also a pair of students and a pair of professors from from Fuuka University. It seemed natural that they and the rest of the guests were all women.

Director Kazahana sat holding court by the west window of the parlor, but not saying a great deal. Himeno-han had the silver tea-service set out on a tray on a table next to her. Now, even though she was the de facto mistress in charge of the event, she still insisted on serving each of us herself, just as she had done when she merely served Director Kazahana as a maid. Of course she was supremely skilled at it. When Matsudaira-han wondered aloud why, she replied as she ever did: "Because I'm a maid."

Conversation began to flow among us as we sipped the Darjeeling from delicate porcelain cups. The atmosphere Director Kazahana and Himeno-han crafted for this party had a careful formality that hearkened back to the Meiji era. While not all of the attitudes of that time a century ago are worth preserving, it felt good here to preserve some of the mores of that bygone, genteel time, not for unthinking resistance to change, but as a means for showing consideration for others through such formalism. Even following those manners, we were able to begin speaking without preliminaries, for as Grandmother would say, "the roof of a friend serves as an introduction." I was privately amused, thinking it good that Ikenaga-sensei was here instead of Sugiura-sensei. She tastefully participated in the conversation while sipping her tea, whereas Sugiura-sensei's ...energy would have put not only the porcelain but even the renowned unflappability of Himeno-han's temperament at risk.

I found Inoue-han and Hasegawa-han, two of the students, were both in their first year at Fuuka University. Inoue-han was majoring in history, while Hasegawa-han was still undecided how she intended to specialize within the college of liberal arts. Tsunoda-sensei also happened to teach in the Fuuka University history department, while Okakura-sensei taught mathematics there.

I suspect our hosts selected her guest list to enable Matsudaira-han and I to make acquaintances at Fuuka University, as both of us were considering attending there. I was grateful to establish these relationships. If I do end up going to Fuuka, I will not arrive on campus friendless, and even if I do not, I am still glad to have made their acquaintances.

The tea party was an enjoyable afternoon, and relax from the rush of exams.


	6. Chapter 6: Restaurant Revisited

**Author's Note:**  
Thanks for your time and reviews. My muse and I hope you enjoy this chapter, and look forward to hearing what you think of it.

.

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 6**

**Restaurant Revisited**

* * *

_Though you may think it  
lacking in both taste and hue,  
it is in truth died  
with the fathomless color  
of long-standing affection._

_—Minamoto Yoshiari, Kokinshuu #869_

.

I met Natsuki at Otome the following Sunday evening. We had agreed that going to Linden Baum offered too high a likelihood that we would run into friends there, as that family restaurant was popular among Fuuka students—both as a place to eat and to work. It seemed that both of us felt (though neither said so explicitly) that this dinner should be a little more quiet and private—or at least free from gossiping eavesdroppers. Also, ever since that first shared lunch, Otome seemed to hold some special meaning for both of us.

I didn't want to be late for our date (I felt I could privately think of it that way even if Natsuki didn't) so I showed up ten minutes early. Natsuki gave me multiple reasons to smile when she arrived only a couple minutes after I. Perhaps—or at least I hoped that—she also did not wish to be late.

I also liked the outfit she wore and hoped she had dressed up for me. Regardless of her reasons for wearing it, she looked wonderful. The collar and cuffs of a pure white shirt peeked out beyond her soft, ice-blue sweater and set off her slender navy slacks, whose darkness was balanced by her lovely, dark, flowing hair and a narrow navy ribbon loosely tying her collar. Blue really is her color, it highlights her emerald eyes and calls out the hints of blue in her hair which some might simply call black. The fit of her outfit showed off her shapely figure quite well, too. _Thank you, Natsuki._ Curiously, the purse she was carrying was on the larger size, though still smaller than her normal book bag.

We entered and sat at a small table for two—a couple tables further in than last time. When the older sister running Otome brought out water for us, we ordered, both deciding to try the ramen this time.

"I'm glad we're done with exams," Natsuki began while we waited for our order to arrive. "Thanks for letting me study at your place. It really helped."

_She_ was thanking _me?_ I think it should be the other way around, but as long as she is happy...

I smiled and replied, "I'm also happy they're over. It looks like you scored rather well. Congratulations. I'm glad I could help out a little bit with that."

"I think you helped more than `a little bit'. Without that quiet study time, I wonder if I would have passed at all. I hope I didn't interfere with your studying."

She was not only thanking me, but crediting me for her success? _Natsuki!_ The joy she brought me with this bubbled forth in a laugh.

"You didn't bother me at all," I answered. Certainly my own grades had not suffered at all on these exams. "I quite enjoyed studying together," I told her, then added, "You're welcome to keep on coming over."

I watched her as I said this, and when she didn't seem to find invitation frightening or bothersome, a little more of my own fear and self-doubt began to dissolve. I also noticed the barest hint of a smile begin to play around and grace Natsuki's lips, and hoped this was a sign that she found my invitation more than just "not bothersome."

Even if she didn't find my invitation to further studying together a bother, I could tell there was something else bothering her, she had been nervous about it since we got here. I just couldn't guess what it might be.

As if to answer this question, she opened her purse, took out a small box wrapped in lavender tissue paper, and handed it to me.

"Happy birthday, Shizuru," she said.

I will ever treasure those words. Surprise stole my composure, and I stammered in response.

"Natsuki, you shouldn't have."

It seemed that Natsuki really did know that tomorrow was my birthday, and not only that, she even went to all the trouble of getting me a present.

My brain was left frozen in shock as I realized that the reason I hadn't guessed why Natsuki was nervous was that I didn't dare let myself hope that this might be the reason.

_Thank you, Natsuki._

"Go ahead. Open it," Natsuki urged me, for I had frozen, holding the box in stunned surprise.

I followed her instruction, carefully untying the ribbon and unfolding the paper, for even the wrapping of this package had become indescribably precious to me. This was a birthday present from Natsuki, my first. Once I had unfolded the paper, I opened the small box's lid. Inside, nestled on a cushion of cotton wool, lay a fine silver chain necklace with a pendant of tiny violet-blue _fuji_ (wisteria) blossoms.

"Oh, it's lovely," I said, softly and looked up at Natsuki, hoping my expression conveyed just how very much I appreciated this, and how much it meant to me. "I'll always treasure this," I vowed.

I would have treasured a rock from the roadside if she gave it to me, but this... It was obvious that she put a good deal of thought and effort behind her selection as well as buying and wrapping the present. It was all I could do to hold myself back from leaping across the table, gathering Natsuki in a tight embrace and covering her with kisses. What helped hold me back was the knowledge that this was _not_ the type of thing she wanted from me. I knew I had presumed too much and done too much in years past, and now that we were in many ways starting afresh, I vowed never to do anything like that without her explicit permission, no matter how much of an effort it was for me.

"I knew you liked the color, and the flowers seemed to go with your name," she explained, then ducked her head in cute embarrassment. "And I thought it would look good on you," she finished in close to a whisper.

So that was what she was thinking of while looking for this gift? _Oh, Natsuki._ Had I died that instant and gone straight to paradise, I think I would have considered it a less desirable place than sitting here with her. I can't imagine how happy my smile was as I took out the necklace and tried it on.

"Well?" I asked as the pendant settled into its home in the hollow of my throat.

Natsuki's deepening blush and the hint of a smile which played around her lips answered my question before her voice could.

"It looks lovely on you," she said.

_Thank you, Natsuki._

I didn't know how my day could conceivably have gotten any better.

.

We were interrupted at that point by the arrival of our meal. My first reaction was annoyance. Why couldn't this sister be as skillful at delivering our food as the other had on our first shared lunch here. Things had been going so well with Natsuki.

I began to eat and thought over my reaction. I was going to be quite upset if this interruption broke the mood and stopped us from saying something that might have brought us another step closer in our relationship. I wanted nothing to dissuade Natsuki from that.

Another bite entered my mouth, and my brain served up other possibilities. If this interruption had ended up stopping me from saying (or doing) something Natsuki would dislike—say presuming too much from or too close of a relationship between us—then the interruption would actually be a good thing for me ...for both of us, and I should gladly welcome it.

I glanced at the now-empty box, and at Natsuki, while my chopsticks lifted another bunch of noodles to my mouth. How long would I need to continue restraining myself like this? The current mood meant I had to work to do so. But if this restraint made Natsuki feel better, that was motivation enough for me. I had promised myself I would give her all the time she needed, and follow whatever path she wanted our relationship to take.

Even if this interruption was warranted—and I did need restraining from inappropriate, excessive closeness—it seemed to me that Natsuki was far more comfortable around me now than when she had recoiled in horror from my madness back during the Carnival.

Easy or not, I decided to try my best to be patient now and simply enjoy Natsuki's company. Well, enjoying her company was easy, being patient was the questionable part of that. I thought it good to now turn our conversation to "safer" topics than "us".

"Natsuki," I asked, "am I correct in assuming Mai-han invited you to her Christmas party too?"

Only when the words were out of my mouth did I realize that I could possibly be entering a minefield here as well. My fear said this might still be stalking Natsuki, forcing myself into more of her life than she might wish while failing to respect her privacy and independence. That was something she would definitely not welcome. For that matter, given all we had done during the Carnival, were either of us ready to deal with a gathering of the other HiME?

"She did," Natsuki answered. "I don't see how I can avoid going. Are you thinking of going too?" She looked at me and her expression could almost be called hopeful.

"Perhaps," I answered. It seemed like I had not, this time, stepped on a land mine. "That might also do me good. At least she didn't pick a karaoke box as the party location this time."

Natsuki nodded in agreement to that, and the flash of entreaty on her face, replaced by growing hope, burnt any reluctance to going I might have had to ashes.

"Then I will also," I concluded.

I thought I saw a _thank you_ flash across Natsuki's face, before she responded, "See you there."

It was time to try for another "safe" topic. Even if my fears after starting the current one had not come to pass, I didn't wish to push my luck. Discussion the answer to a particular question on my last exam proved safe enough, and Natsuki was sharp enough and far enough along in chemistry that we were able to talk as equals. She's always been better in the sciences than I. This segued into Natsuki asking about a Japanese literature assignment she had and then into similarly less weighty topics for the rest of the meal.

Still, I must confess to paying more attention to Natsuki than what I was eating. Of course I didn't spill or embarrass myself like that, but the flavors definitely had anything but my full attention.

I could also feel her eyes on my face and neck, and they felt so good. I wondered what might be the origin of Natsuki's slightly abstracted smile. Was she simply glad that I seemed to like her present? Was it pride at her ability to pick out something which suited me, or which I liked? Or could it possibly be something more, something stronger, something I very much wanted? I longed to ask and resolve my confusion, but dared not. I still wasn't sure whether either of us were ready to talk openly of our relationship. If I pushed it in the wrong direction with an inadvertent question, then I might not only lose a hoped-for goal, but worse lose these simple times together with Natsuki. And if I did that, I feared the size of the hole in my life she would leave.

I tried to put both worries and questions aside. Whatever might be the origin of her smile, I was truly touched by the care Natsuki took in selecting and getting me this present. As I told her, it was something that I would always treasure, and together with it her words and expression as she gave it to me.

_Natsuki, will you ever know just how precious a present you have given me today? And how immeasurably more than a simple necklace it is?_

My neighborhood shrine got another coin and Inari Ōkami another prayer of thanks the next morning.


	7. Chapter 7: Christmas Party

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 7**

**Christmas Party**

* * *

_It is not advisable to go to someone's house without special business. If you have gone on business, leave as soon as it is completed. Staying for a long time can be extremely bothersome._ _..._ _We must make an exception about staying long in a case when you are conversing with someone after your heart and, having nothing else to do, he says, "Please stay a while longer—today, let's have a quiet talk." Everyone must at times show Juan Chi's brown eyes of welcome._

_—Kenkō, Essays in Idleness #170_

.

Winter holidays began Friday of that week, as did my freedom from Student Council duties. My term as president ended Thursday at the term-end ceremony. After that Yukino took over. She seemed more surprised than anyone at her election to the post, but I knew she would do well. I also hoped that she would see that the rest of the students really did trust and support her. The sheer quantity of votes she received was a clear indication that they did.

I also knew that Haruka had done nothing to engineer her victory, even though she had ample opportunity handling all the preparations for and running of the election. Not only would Haruka's strong sense of justice never allow her to do anything like that, but just as importantly, her mind worked in such a straightforward manner that even such a mildly devious means would never have occurred to her anyway.

.

Friday also was the day of Mai's Christmas party. I must say that in addition to karaoke, she plainly likes cooking and making people happy. I showed up as I had promised Natsuki over dinner Sunday and was glad to find her there as well. I had to agree with her that Mai would not have let her skip the party.

With Takumi helping Mai with the cooking, there was a variety of good food, and an ample sufficiency of it, even granted the large crowd in attendance at the party.

I suppose that Mai dragged Natsuki here when she came to make sure she didn't just skip out on the party. I figure Natsuki would not have shown up this early otherwise. Her expression looked like she wasn't completely happy with being here either, but somehow that seemed to fade when she saw me arrive. Was I actually the cause, or was she just getting over some other transient annoyance.

I smiled inwardly at what Natsuki was wearing. While the blouse and skirt she wore (again in the cool blues that suit her) were perfectly acceptable and looked good on her, they didn't show the fineness of material or care in selection and dressing that the outfit she wore to our date last week at Otome had. It seemed she dressed up more for that time with me than she did for this big party.

"Hello Natsuki." I let my smile show her how much I appreciated her presence here.

"Hey, Shizuru." The smile she gave me did more for her face than any make-up ever could.

I wanted others to see the beauty it gave her, but I also was selfish. She seemed to have this smile just for me, and a part of me wanted to keep it that way.

She glanced longingly over at the table of food.

"I need to say hello to Mai-han," I told her. "Then you can tell me what here is best to eat."

She nodded. "Sure." The minute widening of her eyes told me that she understood my need to properly greet our hostess as well as my seeing her wish to quietly eat at the party rather than play socialite.

.

I headed over to where Mai had just finished welcoming Higurashi-han and Kurauchi-han. "Merry Christmas Mai-han. Thank you for inviting us, and also for going to all the work to throw this party."

"You're welcome." Mai laughed. "I enjoy doing it, so there's nothing much to thank me for. Thank you for coming."

The back of my mind wondered if she was thinking of both Natsuki and me, or just me. Something back there was starting to think of us as a couple, and I'm not sure whether I should do that, or what Natsuki would think of my doing so. Was I was even allowed to? I resolved not to let this show publicly unless I received permission.

I gestured toward the food. "And please thank Takumi-kun for his help. I look forward to the results."

"I will. Thanks."

Mai had to run off to manage some other part of the party. She seemed to be enjoying herself that way.

.

I was also surprised to see that Nao also came to the party. This didn't seem like her type of social event, so I guess that Mai put some pressure on her to come as well.

I was further surprised to see Natsuki wander over and talk briefly with Nao. If Natsuki could talk amiably with her, then what reason had I to continue shunning contact with her.

_Thank you, Natsuki. Thank you for showing me how to be a better person._

I wonder if Nao has also noticed some of the changes in Natsuki that I have since the Carnival. She seems not to be trying so hard to push the world away and also to be less abrasive. Or are these changes only in the side of Natsuki that she shows me?

Anyway, I decided to benefit from Natsuki's good example, gathered my courage, and approached Nao.

"Merry Christmas, Nao-han."

She blinked in surprise. "Merry Christmas, kaichō—" She corrected herself. "...Fujino. How are you doing?"

This wasn't as bad as I feared. I wonder if Nao was merely respecting the "peace of the watering hole" at the party or whether her new status as a novitiate under Sister Sanada helped her forgive me. Regardless, she deserved an answer, even if this was only social small talk.

"I'm doing well," I smiled. "And I'm thankful to hand off the Student Council presidency to Kikukawa-han. You seem well. How is your mother doing?"

"Uh-huh. She's much better. You heard she woke up from her coma?"

I nodded.

"She's still in the hospital, but they expect she'll be be able to leave, at least for short times, soon. And as long as I let her rest, they've granted me extended visiting hours. Mom and I are talking ...a lot."

Nao actually smiled when she said this. I wonder whether the smile came from the fact that her mom really was doing better, or whether it also felt good to her to be able to peacefully talk to an "old enemy." Regardless, her smile seemed sincere (I do have a little bit of experience with fake smiles), and it certainly looked good on her face.

.

Natsuki was once again engrossed by the spread of food. As I headed over to her, I ran across Haruka and Yukino. Following Natsuki's example again, I exchanged polite Christmas greetings with them. Their body language told me that the two of them are closer now than before. Maybe they are working through their mutual uncertainties. Perhaps Natsuki and I are not the only two experiencing change and growth after the Carnival. Regardless, it was good to see the two of them having a good time, enjoying each others company.

_The best of luck to both of you,_ I silently wished. _I hope you find lasting happiness. And I hope the same for Natsuki and me._

.

The party continued on. Mai likes throwing parties because she enjoys making other people happy, and she is happiest when she's in a large group at a lively party, interacting with everyone, singing, laughing together, chatting. While she intellectually understands that this is not the most fun for everyone, she doesn't have a deep, gut-level understanding how some people only find such parties palatable in smaller doses. She tries to pull everyone in to have fun, and because she's having fun, she feels most everyone is. Thus she doesn't want to stop, and her parties go on and on.

I noticed that Natsuki seemed to grow tired of the party and was reaching the limit of what she could try to enjoy about the same time I did. I guess my years of watching her may have had some benefits—creepy stalker that I might have been back then. I doubt anyone else would have noticed this change in Natsuki ...or myself. I found a corner away from the crowd and subtly maneuvered Natsuki there.

"Are you trying to decide if you want to be the first to leave?" I asked her.

"Shizuru! I... uh, yeah," Natsuki quietly replied. "But if I leave too soon, Mai will wake me up and tease me mercilessly when she gets back to our room."

"If you would like to use my sofa, I promise not to wake you up or tease you like that." I smiled. "Though not being in your bed when Mai-han gets back might well invite another kind of teasing from her."

Natsuki's face brightened at my invitation. "Really? You would?"

She seemed almost eager, and definitely had not replied with the embarrassed outrage I would have expected this invitation to have earned even a couple of months ago. She also seemed not to mind, or at least ignored, the possibility of "other teasing" I mentioned.

_Hmm, food for thought._

"Of course. You're always welcome to stay over," I told her.

And if she was willing to accept my invitation... I clamped down on a flaring up of hope, but filed away the memory of her almost eager acceptance to treasure, and ponder later.

"Thanks. I need to grab some things first," Natsuki's cheeks reddened slightly as she answered. "We probably shouldn't leave together. That'd give Chie and Aoi too much ammunition."

She had a point there. The Prince and Princess of Gossip would notice and use anything to their advantage. I could often convince them to control some pieces of information, but that took a good deal of persuasion or ...effort on my part (and sometimes less than gentle efforts). Completely avoiding having to do so is a far better course of action.

"True," I agreed, then suggested, "Do you want to leave first? How does meeting at my apartment in an hour sound?"

"Fine. See you there."

And with that, we set our ...third date. The numbering changes depending on exactly which of our times together you consider a date, but this definitely fell into the group that I considered more significant and more special. Not that I have any complaints about our study sessions, but when we get together to do something more than just study—that feels so good, and I have such a good time with Natsuki. "Special" somehow seems both appropriate and wholly inadequate to describe those times.

While that pleasant diversion passed through my mind, Natsuki did some actual thinking.

"But why don't you leave first," she suggested. "I assume you're taking the bus."

I smiled and nodded in agreement. I didn't want to push her into enduring more of this party than she wanted to—as I know parties are not to her taste—but since she suggested my leaving first, I would take advantage of that to help her. I could see the gossipers noticing me leaving after Natsuki and adding things together to come up with something that was closer to a "truth" I believed Natsuki wished not to be publicly known—and possibly did not wish to be at all. I clamped down on my own desire for this "truth", as well as my wish to add "yet" to the guess at Natsuki's wishes. My leaving first would avoid any chance of that. My mind also served up another way to work my leaving to possibly give Natsuki a chance to leave with even less association between us.

.

I left Natsuki's side and migrated over to where Mai and Takumi happened to be standing together. They were talking with several other friends, and I joined the conversational circle.

"Mai-han, Takumi-han, thank you for throwing this party," I interjected at an appropriate point, giving them a slightly exaggerated bow. "Your talents in food and hospitality truly make this feel like Christmas." I included the rest of the guests as I continued, " It was so good to see all of you again together here. I'm sorry, but it's getting late enough and the hour is forcing me to leave. I really wish I could stay longer, but..." I bowed again to everyone again and headed for the door.

As I waited for the bus back to my apartment, I thought over my exit. Mai and Takumi had both seemed quite pleased at my thanks. They have a right to be, their talents were fully on display, and they do throw an excellent party. I look forward to the future day when I can visit whatever restaurant Mai ends up running. I also calculated that some of that group—and maybe others as well—would follow my lead and take this as an excuse to leave the party. I had noticed Mai's classmate, Chun Mei, perk up when I commented on the late hour. I figured she did not want to be the first to leave, but would not be far behind me out the door, now that I had broken the ice.

I knew that Natsuki was sharp enough that she would notice this general exodus and likely take advantage of it. If she joined in with a group leaving the party, nobody would give it a second thought, and even if they did, they would think that she was just using the group as a way to get out of something she wasn't too keen on in the first place.

I wondered if she would notice—or understand—that I deliberately was more effusive in my leave-taking in order to start a wave of people leaving that she could then take advantage of. Even if she didn't realize I did this for her, I think she would likely still use the "invisibility of a crowd" to her benefit. And I am glad that I could do this for her, whether she knows I did it or not. Or did she perhaps realize I could do that, and was using my taking the bus as a mere excuse to allow me to play this part?

The bus soon arrived and took me back to my apartment, to wait, and think, and hope.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
The ending of this chapter is somewhat different from the version I originally published. Those of you who've read the original version of **Rebirth of Love** may notice that I originally had written Natsuki leaving the party first (as Shizuru suggested).

While I was writing Natsuki's version of this party in **Midwife of the Soul**, I realized that it would make even more sense to have Shizuru leave first instead of Natsuki. It gives another opportunity for the two of them to show how they work together, how much Shizuru will do for Natsuki, as well as allow Natsuki another chance to admire Shizuru's skills (when she tells her version of this story). I figure if Tolkien could make a modification like this to _The Hobbit_ after it was first published to better fit with _Lord of the Rings_, then why can't I.

.

If any of you are curious what the original form was, I added everything after Shizuru muses about "special" times together with Natsuki (the last nine paragraphs in the chapter). Originally, Shizuru followed her musing with the following to end the chapter: _I waited a suitable time after Natsuki's departure, then said my farewells and headed back to my apartment._


	8. Chapter 8: A Little After Party

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 8**

**A Little After Party**

* * *

_Even from my dear mother  
I have hidden my love for you,  
But now, for all that,  
I have placed at your sweet will  
All my heart and all my love._

_—Manyoushuu #3285_

.

Back at my apartment I waited for Natsuki to arrive. I was nearly as nervous as I was waiting for her to return for the first of our study sessions after that special rainy night.

The table was polished spotless. I had checked and rechecked the pillow and blankets for her to use on the sofa, then put them away to look "natural." I made sure the refrigerator still contained the bottle of mayonnaise I bought for her.

I was glad we had settled on "normal" seats at the table, as that let me hide her present on the one neither of us ever used. Hopefully she would not notice it long enough for me to surprise her. And if I failed at surprise, I would still relish her keen eye and hope the contents were unexpected (and appreciated).

.

Natsuki arrived right when she said she would, assuaging one set of my worries and starting another. She carried a small bag, presumably holding what she'd need to spend the night.

"Please come in," I said. "Thank you for coming over."

"What's this `thank you'? You're helping _me_ tonight." Natsuki carried a smile of thanks behind her contradiction.

I had to laugh at our exchange. I think we were both right, as this was truly a win-win situation, and one I hoped would happen again and again.

We headed toward our accustomed spots at the table. Natsuki set her bag down next to her chair as she always did. It seemed she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about the third chair there. This time neither of us seemed inclined to fill the clean table with textbooks, notebooks and schoolwork. It felt good to just sit here, smiling, enjoying each other's company. But tonight was not one to spend in complete silence.

"I'm glad Mai-han had her party," I commented. "I think I needed that push to talk with some of the other people there, and I'm glad I did. But honestly, right now I prefer a quieter time like this. A little company is nice though."

"Same here. And since you promised not to tease me when I'm asleep like Mai would..."

I noticed her reach into her bag and guessed what she was doing, so I took her present from the other chair. Thus, we almost simultaneously held out packages, and wished each other:

"Merry Christmas."

This set us both laughing. For me, it was both the coincidence of our timing, as well as the wonderful feeling of giving Natsuki a present while also receiving one from her. From her smiling laughter, I figured that Natsuki was similarly pleased and amused, perhaps not for exactly the same reasons, but whatever made her happy... was very good in my book.

When we both finished laughing, Natsuki was the first to speak. "Go ahead and open yours first since it's smaller."

"If you say so, Natsuki. Thank you. What is it, some sexy lingerie?" I asked, peering at the small box.

Why is it that I continually fall into the trap of teasing her like this. It certainly wasn't due to any desire of mine to annoy her. I would have to think on this later. Maybe I just enjoyed her expression as it wavered between outrage and embarrassment.

I forbore further teasing and opened the small box Natsuki had given me.

"Tea! And it's my favorite variety," burst forth from me as soon as I could see and smell the contents.

As I thought further, I realized how much care Natsuki had put into this. Not only did she pay close enough attention to figure out my favorite variety of tea, but the wrapping itself showed care and consideration. I needed to make sure she knew I appreciated this too.

"Oh, Natsuki, thank you! And picking the light brown (tea-colored) paper and green ribbon is perfect, since this is green tea."

I held the box close to my heart, which she had well and truly touched, and hoped my smile conveyed how touched I was touched by her gift.

"I'm glad you like it. Honestly, the clerk suggested those colors when I told her about you. I'm glad you like them too."

_So you even went to the trouble of asking for help in selecting and preparing a present for me to make it better? Natsuki, thank you doubly, and more!_

Such consideration in no way warranted the teasing I had given her before opening the box, and I hoped my expression conveyed my joy and gratitude at her present as well as my contrition for teasing her.

"I'm sorry for teasing you about your present, Natsuki." Gesturing toward her box, I told her to, "Go ahead," hoping to in some small way to make up for my ill behavior.

Natsuki took longer to open her present as the box was considerably larger. She finished opening the box and folded back the inner tissue paper to reveal the contents.

"A riding suit!" she exclaimed. "And in dark blue. You shouldn't have. This is to much."

Natsuki gave me a beautiful deep blush as she took the suit out of the box, feeling the leather: strong to protect her yet supple to fit well and comfortably. It was rather like her body, I realized, strong and beautifully supple. I hoped to someday find comfort there... I stopped that train of thought before it could get me in trouble.

"I'd noticed that you've been wearing jeans and such instead of your old riding suit of late," I explained. "Since I knew how you enjoyed your old one and since I was involved with you losing it, I thought it only appropriate to get you a new one. I figured you'd like dark blue more than your previous gray. It really is your color. I hope it fits."

"Thank you," Natsuki stammered.

She looked slightly overwhelmed, in a good way I hoped. I also hoped that her blush and other reactions meant she liked it as well.

"Um, would you mind if I used your room to try this on?" she asked.

"Go ahead. I promise not to peek. I'll go make some tea for us."

Did that promise of privacy come out more as teasing or as the sincere gift of privacy I intended. I very much hoped the latter.

She disappeared into my bedroom and I headed into the kitchen. Neither of us took long. I was exiting the kitchen with a tray holding our tea as well as a plate of _yatsuhashi_ to nibble on when I met her coming out of my bedroom.

_Oh my!_

The riding suit did fit very well, and from the way it flowed over the lovely curves of her body, there wasn't much margin for error in size either. Thankfully, I kept my surprise contained and did not drop the tray I was carrying.

"How does it fit?" I asked, almost unnecessarily, but needing to say something.

"Perfect. Thank you again."

Did she run her hands over the suit purely to tempt me, or just to show how well it fit. I clamped down hard on my imagination.

"Thank goodness." I sighed in relief.

Even though I doubted myself, I guess I did know Natsuki well from all of the years I have been observing (all right, stalking) her. Those years of ...observation also let me continue to admire how stunning Natsuki looked in her new suit without being overly obvious about it.

_Thank you for giving me such a wonderful show, Natsuki. Your beauty..._

I restrained myself, and we sat down together at the table. It seemed that Natsuki enjoyed the cinnamon sweetness of the _yatsuhashi_ together with her tea as much as I did, and we both enjoyed sharing them with conversation. Mother had sent the _yatsuhashi_ for me "to celebrate the end of the term," and I could think of no better use than to share them with Natsuki. She seemed to agree, or at least to enjoy them.

It made me even happier that Natsuki seemed to quite enjoy her riding suit. She showed no inclination to change out of it after trying it on, and I noticed her occasionally, surreptitiously caress the material. Each time she did, a slightly abstracted smile grew on her face. Sometimes she also glanced at me.

Our conversation was over nothing consequential. The benefit—no the joy—came from the shared, quiet company rather than the exact topics discussed. Mostly they covered Mai's party and this past school term.

When time finally grew late enough that we both began to yawn—and I do not know whether Natsuki or I started it—we agreed it was time to turn in. I brought out the blankets and pillow from the closet for Natsuki to use on the sofa.

.

I returned from the closet to find Natsuki standing, staring out the balcony doors. I left her bedding on the sofa and joined her quietly gazing out at the snow which had begun to fall.

"White Christmas," I softly commented.

She nodded.

Neither of us felt the need for more words; it was sufficient to share the peaceful beauty of the snowflakes dancing outside in the glow of the streetlights. I smiled at the thought which came to me. I was doubly blessed, for the quiet beauty of the falling snow was eclipsed by that of the quiet beauty standing by my side, sharing it.

We watched for a bit, then both yawned again. This brought back to mind the reason we had first gotten up from the table.

.

I gestured to the bathroom. "I put out a _yukata_ in there for you. Please take your time. I'll clean up the table while you're in there, and again I promise not to peek." I smiled. "Let me know when you're done."

Natsuki nodded and smiled in reply.

I think she noticed and appreciated my restraint. Perhaps she also knew how much of an effort I put in, hopefully with appreciation. I was sorely tempted, but refused to sneak any look. I would _not_ betray Natsuki's trust. Rather I busied myself with cleaning the table and kitchen. I had to laugh at myself for wondering if Natsuki would have slept in her riding suit had I not put out the _yukata_ for her.

Neither of us rushed, but soon we were both bathed and attired in _yukata_ for the night. I presume she brought a pair of pajamas in her bag—there looked to be something that size in it—but she never so much as mentioned them after my offer of the _yukata_.

"Is there anything else you'll need tonight?" I asked.

"No, the sofa will be fine. I've slept in worse places."

"Like my chair in the Student Council room?" I replied, laughing with her jollity. "In that case, good night and sleep well."

"Good night, Shizuru. And... thank you for everything."

_And thank you, Natsuki. What you have given me tonight is so much more than this box of tea you might think your only gift._

I slept well and soundly that night, untroubled by any dreams and cradled by warm thoughts of who was sleeping in the next room and the hope that such a night might happen again.

ooo OOO ooo

I awoke the next morning, relaxed, refreshed and happy. The clock proclaimed it my usual, somewhat early waking time, so I quickly and quietly dressed. Peeking into the living room on my way to the kitchen, I hoped Natsuki would continue to be the sound sleeper she had proved in the past. I wanted to surprise her with breakfast this time.

Natsuki lay on the sofa, still sleeping and adorable as ever. I stood silently, watching her for a while, careful to do nothing to wake her. I had given my word I would not, and moreover it would also spoil my plan of a surprise breakfast.

As enjoyable as watching the sleeping Natsuki is, it did nothing to get breakfast made, so I finally stopped and headed silently into the kitchen to begin breakfast.

I began by quietly taking down the teakettle, filling it and putting it on the stove, thankful it had no whistle, which would certainly have awakened Natsuki. Next came collecting the ingredients. I straightened up from checking the refrigerator and felt a pair of eyes watching me. There was Natsuki, standing, leaning against the doorway, her green eyes fixed on me and the shadow of a smile on her face.

"Can I help?" she asked.

Her voice was a most welcome music to my ears, and I must have smiled happily back at her. Could she know that this offer was even more of a treat to me than surprising her with breakfast?

"Thank you. I was hoping to surprise you with breakfast, but it looks like you won't be very surprised now."

She laughed in response, sharing my enjoyment.

It was a simple breakfast, so there was not that much to do, but Natsuki happily pitched in and did her part of the preparations, just like that first morning. And she seemed to remember where many things were and what to do from that time. Had she really been paying that close attention back then? What had prompted her to remember all these little details?

We settled down at the table to share our breakfast, made much better for me by the fact we'd prepared it together. While I still wanted to surprise Natsuki with a meal, making one together with her more than made up for not being able to. I would just have to find some way to surprise her later.

.

As we ate, conversation ranged back to one topic we had briefly discussed last night.

"So Mai-han is trying to encourage Mikoto to go visit Reito-han and their family for New Year's?" I asked. "It sounds like she's trying to strengthen Mikoto's family relations."

"Yeah. An empty dorm room would encourage Mikoto, and Mai can arrange to be out-of-town then." She looked out the window. "I need to find someplace to stay for a couple nights. I'm sure Mikoto would try to get me to cook otherwise. That would end badly ...for both of us."

I shared a brief snicker with Natsuki at her self-deprecation, though perhaps I doubted her abilities less than she did. Neither of us needed say anything about Natsuki's lack of any parental home to return to for the holiday. My mirth at her comment soon blossomed into full-blown hope as an idea grew in my mind.

"You could always come and stay here again," I suggested. "It looks like you were able to sleep reasonably well, and we certainly had no disasters in the kitchen."

Natsuki's expression softened as she turned back from the window to me.

"Really? Again?"

"Of course, Natsuki."

Her answer to this invitation did not quite seem as eager as last night. Perhaps she was now more relaxed and less desperate. It seemed closer to the calm acceptance of a long-standing offer well-known and appreciated. That made me almost happier than her eagerness last night.

"You're not going back to Kyoto?" Natsuki asked, a crease of worry crossing her brow.

"No, not this year."

Thankfully, I had not fully committed to going home then. I would have to call Mother with my regrets, and likely make it up to her and Dad later, but this was an opportunity not to be missed. It might take a little convincing, but I was sure my parents would understand.

"Well, if you're sure it's no problem... Thanks. I know that'll make Mai happy."

_To say nothing of how happy it makes me._ And Natsuki also cared about causing me problems, about things being good for me? _Thank_ you _Natsuki._

"It's no problem," I answered. "Do you want to tell her that we're getting together to watch the _Kohaku_ on TV then? That's a traditional activity, and I will often watch at least some of it. And if you'd like, there's even a shrine nearby where can make our first visit of the year."

"Sure. I don't mind. That's a good excuse ...both are. I'll tell Mai when I get back."

_Natsuki, you are giving me more and more this Christmas. I don't know how I could be more in your debt, but I am. You are giving me a most wonderful ending to this year and beginning of the next._

We finished arranging that visit and cleaned up after breakfast. Natsuki then had to return to the dorms. She seemed somewhat reluctant to leave, and I certainly was reluctant to see her go. Leaving now would get her back before Chie and Aoi would be out snooping around for rumors, and she did have a few things she needed to do. I also needed to make that phone call to Mother.

Once again, I saw her off at the door, and stood watching as she rode off, down the street, until she turned the corner and disappeared from sight.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The _yatsuhashi_ Shizuru's mother sent her are a cinnamon confectionery, a specialty of Kyoto. While they may not be a "perfect" Christmas food, they definitely ship more easily than Japanese style Christmas Cake. They are frequently sold as _omiyage_ (souvenirs) to take back after visiting Kyoto.

.

The _Kohaku_ Shizuru refers to is officially known as the "_NHK Kohaku Utagassen_" (NHK Red-White Song Battle). It is broadcast every New Year's eve since 1951, first on radio and now on TV. It features a collection of performances by various musicians popular in the recent year and invited by NHK, the Japanese National Television Network. The musicians are divided into red and white teams (for female and male groups, respectively), and whichever team receives the most votes is declared this years winner. It's really more of a chance to perform and celebrate the end of the year rather than a real contest. For a musician to be invited to perform on the _Kohaku_ is considered prima facie evidence of their having "made it."

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Thank you all for staying and continuing to read this journey of Shizuru and Natsuki. This chapter gave Shizuru and Natsuki some private time after the previous chapter's partying with friends. Both were good times, but I think we all know which party Shizuru will remember more. Next we get to see Shizuru and Natsuki close out this year and begin the next. What will the fresh year bring?

My muse and I would like to thank you for your reviews, with extra thanks to those who've commented on each chapter or left more detailed thoughts. There are some reviews she asks me to read to her again and again. I try to respond with individual thanks to those of you who've left reviews as yourself instead of anonymously. We appreciate that as well.

We also wonder how the epigraphs from Japanese Literature with which Shizuru begins each chapter are working. Do they feel like something Shizuru would do? I know some fit better in tone and topic with their chapter than others, but overall how is the match?

Thank you again for your attention, patience, and thoughts.


	9. Chapter 9: Temple Bell Lullaby

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 9**

**Temple Bell Lullaby**

* * *

_Having spent the day  
In quiet meditation,  
Just to hear the sound  
Of the evening temple bell  
Makes me long for you, my lord._

_—Mirror of Clarity_

.

.

New Year's Eve once more found me cleaning my apartment to distract myself while waiting for Natsuki to come over. This would be her longest stay here yet. We had settled on three nights being the right amount of time to encourage Mikoto to go visit Reito and her family, and that encouragement seemed to have worked.

I moved to my bedroom to check the kimono I had selected for us to wear tomorrow. While finalizing the timing and arrangements, Natsuki or I had made some idle comment about kimono being traditional wear for the first shrine visit of the year. She followed this by pointing out she had none, so that wouldn't work for us. She sounded a little saddened by her lack at this, and she certainly made no objection when I offered to loan her one of my kimono. Was it my imagination, or did she even sound happy over the phone at my offer?

Thankfully, I had more than one kimono suitable for such a shrine visit with me here in Fuuka.

I laid out the boxes with the two I had chosen, along with matching obi and other accessories. One had a pattern of sprout green bamboo leaves on a deep purple, while the other had a pattern of abstract lavender morning glories layered on a deep blue. I figured Natsuki would pick this one because of the color. I didn't expect her to know that these followed the Ogasawara School of Etiquette colors of pine and chrysanthemum for January and December respectively, assuming that she even knew of the existence of that school of traditions whose roots go all the way back to the Muromachi era. I also knew she wouldn't mind that the patterns were more generic, rather than being something specific for New Year's, such as cranes, or the combination of pine, bamboo, and plum.

If Natsuki would enjoy wearing the kimono, that would be enough for me. I could take secret pleasure in these subtle points along with her company, though now that I thought about it, her company was far, far more pleasurable.

I had almost finished setting these in order when a knock sounded at the door. As I expected, it was Natsuki. She was wearing her new riding suit, and looked _very_ nice in it. I appreciate the time she takes to swim regularly—even though she's not on the team. It's even worth the time apart, since it produces this kind of result for her body and also helps erase that wrinkle of stress from between her eyebrows.

_Thank you for wearing my present, Natsuki, as well as showing it off so well to me._

"Please come in," I said out loud.

Natsuki took off her shoes, followed me up the hall, and put one of her packages down on the kitchen counter.

"Here," she explained. "I brought some _toshikoshi soba_ (year crossing noodles) for us."

"Thank you. That will be the perfect thing to eat."

_Not only do you reward me with your presence, Natsuki, but you even brought dinner. I also choose to accept the symbolism of the long noodles as a (hopefully) long life for both of us. "Thank you" seems so inadequate, but I don't want to offend you with an excessive display of love and gratitude._

So I settled for merely adding a sincere smile to those words of thanks. I happily discarded the plans I'd made for dinner and moved to finish preparing the noodles while Natsuki began setting the table for us after dropping her other bag next to the sofa. While we worked together, she explained that bag held clothes and things for her stay here. It made me really happy that she knew where all the tableware lived and that she felt at home enough to do this on her own—and on her own initiative.

Dinner was soon ready, and we sat down to share it.

"Thanks for letting me stay here," said Natsuki, beginning the mealtime conversation

"No, truly it is my pleasure. I enjoy your company."

She blushed at this, so I forbore further effusiveness.

We ate in silence for a little while.

"These soba you brought are really good," I told her, resuming our conversation. While Natsuki's quiet presence is wonderful, the mere sound of her voice is a joy to experience.

Natsuki told how she remembered that Mai mentioning a while back that this particular noodle shop was good. "I guess she was right."

"If these are representative, then she most assuredly was," I agreed.

Further conversation was of consequence due to it being us talking with each other rather than to any topic we actually discussed.

.

When we finished eating, we retired to the sofa and turned on the TV to the _Kohaku_. I also brought out a blanket to ward us from the winter chill. Natsuki happily spread it over both of our legs, sharing the warmth. I was equally warmed by the fact that Natsuki was willingly, even cheerfully, sharing a blanket with me.

The singers on TV gave us something more to talk about—not that we ever seemed to lack for conversation subjects of late. Natsuki teased me about only liking the enka singers and laughed at my riposte that she herself was limited to "that modern pop stuff." In truth, this was only good-natured teasing each other as we found that our tastes actually corresponded pretty well: much better than I might have expected. I found these further similarities to be heartwarming. I hope that Natsuki did as well.

At the end of the first half, Natsuki grinned over at me. "I finally figured out why you wanted to watch the _Kohaku_," she commented, then explained herself. "You just wanted an excuse to look at the pretty Nakama Yukie."

I certainly was not expecting her to come up with that kind of a reason. And Natsuki also called Nakama-han "pretty"? Natsuki's grin told me she was teasing, so I let part of my brain provide an autonomic riposte while the rest of it continued pondering her words.

"Were that the case," I replied, "it would only have been because her hair reminds me of yours. Thank you for not teasing yours into something like that ...odd style they first had her wearing."

I do prefer Natsuki's flowing locks to the couple fancy, fuzzy ways they did up Nakama-han's hair for the first couple outfits she wore. While I do see some resemblance, even with Nakama-han's hair down, I think Natsuki is far more beautiful.

Natsuki responded with an indignant "Shizuru!"

I smiled back at her, enjoying the ties our teasing each other implied.

My mind continued thinking on this topic. This time, and previously when Natsuki posited that I preferred enka because I like looking at women in kimono, had to be the first times she actually teased me about my preference for women. They didn't seem premeditated, and her tone of voice said she was treating my lesbian preference with no more concern than my love of tea. It didn't seem to bother her, even sitting here together on the couch, sharing a blanket. Was this a coincidence, or could she... I clamped down on where those thoughts might lead, unwilling to betray myself with hope. But I would never forget Natsuki's simple, natural teasing about my orientation.

The clock crept toward midnight, and Tendō Yoshimi and SMAP sang their hearts out in the last two acts. Then it was time for the voting. This year the men of the white team won. Natsuki and I talked this over and agreed both sides showed some real talent, and while I'm inclined to favor the women (understandably), neither of us was petty enough to put such considerations above the quality of the performances. While we talked this over, all the performers gathered on stage and together sang the traditional closing, "Hotaru no Hikari."

.

After we finished discussing the _Kohaku_ results, Natsuki lapsed back into companionable silence, leaving my mind free to wander.

"Bong!"

The neighborhood temple bell rang out. This night the priests rang the bell 108 times to drive out the 108 evil desires which afflict mankind. While I've never really been religious, I wondered if I took the sound of the bell into my heart, whether it might just purge the evil of my desire for Natsuki. Or was that really evil? Certainly it had driven me to do evil in my madness. Even if it did nothing else, the sound of the bell would at least remind me to try not to lust so strongly for Natsuki this night.

"Bong!"

I looked over at Natsuki with this in mind. I still felt a deep and strong love for her, and she was as stunningly attractive as ever. But would I succumb to this and do anything? I pushed on the barriers I had erected in my mind against doing anything untoward to Natsuki, testing them.

"Bong!"

And they held! Was it the sound of the bell that strengthened my resistance, or was it simply my love for Natsuki, my strong desire to make her happy and my determination to never do _anything_ to her without her permission. Though it felt _wonderful_ to have permission to do some things, such as sitting here spending time together like this. Neither did Natsuki seem to mind my discrete watching and enjoying her beauty here. I felt a smile suffuse my whole face. Maybe I didn't have to fear myself quite so much. Maybe the temple bell helped. My smile softened as I thought that more than the temple bell, it was Natsuki herself helping me to be ...a better person.

.

The midnight hour arrived and Natsuki and I wished each other a Happy New Year. My eyes were starting to grow heavy and I yawned once. Perhaps it was time for bed, but I was enjoying sharing Natsuki's company so much that I didn't want it to end. Sadly I would not be able to stay awake much longer.

So I dared.

I leaned over, laid my head on Natsuki's lap, closed my eyes, and counted my fearful heartbeats, waiting for something to happen. I hoped I had not gone too far and offended Natsuki. Had I just overstepped the bounds I set and done something _to_ Natsuki that she would not want? I hoped not, but that hope was feeble against the strength that imagination lent to my fear.

A gentle hand caressed my hair, brushing a few wayward strands back from my face and tenderly smoothing them down. This was Natsuki's hand, and a gift beyond price from her. I let out the breath I didn't even know I'd been holding. I took another breath and the terrified trip-hammer of my heart eased as I relaxed under Natsuki's ministrations. She wasn't offended, and she even made sure I wouldn't be breathing in my hair.

Natsuki continued stroking my hair, and her hand seemed to hold a magic that calmed and relaxed me more than anything before. _This is the way things should be,_ a corner of my heart whispered as it bid me relax and sleep here without qualm or worry.

I wished Natsuki would go on caressing me forever, but eventually I felt her hand stop. _What now?_ I wondered. Would Natsuki ask me to get up so we could both go to bed? Would she even help me there like she did that first night? Regardless, I now had a visceral understanding of a cat's displeasure when you stop petting it.

I felt Natsuki shift a little under me as she reached for something, yet she still did not suggest I get up. Rather, she turned off the TV with the remote I now realized she had picked up. She then pulled the blanket up to cover my shoulders as well as her legs and mine. I felt her move her hand to rest on my waist where she gave me a tender squeeze. My heart skipped a beat or two. This was a gift beyond hope from Natsuki, expanding and enlarging the one of her caress. I reached up and covered Natsuki's hand with my own, returning her gentle squeeze and hoping this wordless touch would convey how much I appreciated her gift and her presence.

We remained this way, and I soon drifted off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. Mayhap the reason I was troubled by no dreams is that sleeping like this with Natsuki was a dream come true in itself. It seemed that the real Natsuki was even better than the memory of her in my bedroom chair at protecting me from my darkest dreams. Here in her lap I could relax, swathed in her closeness and the profound sense of rightness of our being together.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
See the note at the end of the previous chapter for an explanation of the _Kohaku_ which Shizuru and Natsuki watch on New Year's Eve. I will let you look up the performers I mentioned.

.

The enka Natsuki teases Shizuru about is a genre of Japanese popular music usually consisting of sentimental ballads. It is still popular, though less so than in the '70s and '80s. Shizuru's character song, _Katakoi Enka,_ is also in this style.

.

_Hotaru no Hikari_ (Light of Fireflies) is a Japanese song to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. In addition to being the traditional ensemble closing of each "_NHK Kohaku Utagassen_," it is commonly sung at graduation ceremonies or similar occasions of completion.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
I think I'll leave Shizuru here, to what I think we all agree is a very good ending of the year. I should thank my muse for her inspiration on what promise the new year will bring. Hopefully you will enjoy that when I get it posted.

Thank you all for your continuing to read and review this story. My muse is hugging your reviews to her chest, with a happy smile on her face. Perhaps that's why she's being nice to me with inspiration. Thank you all (including you, muse). This is turning out not to be a short story, but I hope you continue to enjoy it.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
While writing Natsuki's version of this chapter in **Midwife of the Soul**, I added a bit that I think Shizuru would also consider worthy of comment, so I have again gone back and added that here, just like I did chapter before last.

In this case, the addition is Natsuki's teasing Shizuru about Nakama Yukie and Shizuru's thoughts on that. Hopefully you agree that this is something Shizuru would never forget.


	10. Chapter 10: New Year's Day

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 10**

**New Year's Day**

* * *

_Might this world be real,  
or might it be but a dream?  
Whether it be dream  
or reality I know not,  
for we are here and not here_

_—Kokinshuu #942_

.

The next morning a kind voice and a gentle hand on my shoulder pulled me out of sleep. I mumbled something about wanting to stay like this forever.

"If you don't get up now, you'll miss the first sunrise of the year," I heard Natsuki say. I turned and opened my eyes to see a most beautiful sight: Natsuki wore a rare, gentle, caring expression as she looked down on me resting in her lap.

"Good morning, Natsuki. Thank you for waking me." My heart overflowed with joy as well as thanks. "I hope I didn't cause you trouble by falling asleep on you like this."

Hopefully my deep gratitude came across. Thinking back, her expression should have told me I wasn't a trouble, but my insecurities (especially when not quite awake) prompted me to say that.

"No... no trouble," Natsuki confirmed. She then asked, "You sleep OK?"

I smiled and sat up. As wonderful as Natsuki's lap was, twisting my head like that to look at her was not being kind to my neck.

"Yes, very well," I replied. "Thank you for being such a wonderful pillow."

Natsuki's gentle smile turned to a grin, then to a laugh, quiet at first, growing as I joined her. We continued as the couch shook and the apartment rang with our shared laughter, some at my description of her lap, but mostly with pure joy at simply being together like this.

We finished laughing, and I handed the blanket to Natsuki and stood up. She threw it onto the sofa and followed me over to look out my eastern window behind the table.

We saw dawn send her vanguard of pink and rose creeping over the horizon, stalking the shadows of the old night. They had naught to pursue above, for the few clouds of yesterday had fled with the old year.

"Is this OK?" Natsuki asked. "You wanna to go outside to see better?"

Once more, she was thinking of _me._

"This will be just fine," I replied. The height that the second floor here gave us was more of an advantage than any wider view or different viewpoint we could get from going outside. Once again, I was grateful for the low, older house next door. I pointed and asked, "Don't you think the sun should come up behind that hill."

Natsuki nodded, deferring to my knowledge of the area. I hoped to someday lose this advantage.

We stood quietly together, looking out the window, watching dawn slowly chase the deepest shadows from the city. Eventually the edge of the first sun of the year peeped over the horizon, and I wondered if the new year would fulfill the promise of hope with which it began.

The scene unfolding before us prompted me to quote:

.

_ New Year's Day:  
What luck! What luck!  
A pale blue sky!_

"Who wrote that?" asked Natsuki. "It really matches the view."

I noticed a hint of a smile as she asked this. I wonder if she not only noticed, but actually appreciated my effort (by now mostly instinctive) to come up with a poem like this.

_Thank you, Natsuki, for asking, and for recognizing that this was actually a quote from one of the haiku masters._

"That was Issa," I explained.

I hope it was not just my imagination that saw a mixture of recognition and appreciation in her expression. There was, at least, no mistaking the quiet smile that filled her face.

No further words seemed to be needed, as we stood there and enjoyed each others simple company while we watched the sun finish rising.

After the sun had fully risen, I caught Natsuki stealing a furtive glance toward the kitchen.

"Are you thinking of breakfast?" I asked, suppressing a laugh.

"Uh... yeah."

"Shall we make it together again?" This time, happy hope beat out mirth among my emotions. I so enjoy working together with Natsuki.

"Uh... yeah," Natsuki answered. "Thanks." Her reply was quieter this time, and a hint of color touched her cheeks beneath downcast eyes.

We moved to the kitchen and fell to comfortably sharing the work of preparing the meal. This felt so good and so natural that I hoped it would come to be common. I dared not let myself hope for it to become a blessed daily event.

While I was working atop the stove, I noticed her pause and stare pointedly at her bottle of mayonnaise in the refrigerator. I call it hers, as I almost never use it. Since she had started coming over, I have taken to always keeping a bottle in the refrigerator for her to use. I wonder whether she was noticing and thinking about this thing I quietly did for her. I hope she likes it: she certainly uses it from time to time. I find I really enjoy doing things for her, especially things that make her happy.

.

We finished preparation and sat down to eat together.

"Thank you for your help making this," I said after taking a bite. It goes without saying that I smiled happily at Natsuki. "It's good."

Natsuki returned a smile. "You're welcome. It's tasty. But I should be thanking you." She didn't even blush this time. While I missed that cute expression, the fact that she felt comfortable—and even natural—enough to not be embarrassed ...that was an even better treat for me.

"So did you have anything special as your first dream of the year?" I asked. Hopefully Natsuki wouldn't consider this prying, but rather simple conversation. Though if she wanted to share, I would welcome whatever she was willing to.

"Dunno," Natsuki answered, then continued as it looked like she felt this warranted more than her typical terse response. "I don't know if I even dream at all. I never remember any." She cocked her head. "You?"

"I must plead similar ignorance, as I also remember no dream."

I decided now was not the time to tell Natsuki that sleeping on her lap last night was a dream come true for me in itself. It was a most wonderful way to start the year, and I figured that it would upset or embarrass her to tell her. I didn't want to spoil the beginning of either of our years by forcing these emotions on her.

Memory visited me and must have shown on my face as Natsuki raised a questioning eyebrow.

"But I think you know I'm just as happy not to have certain dreams return," I answered.

"Yeah, that is good." Natsuki returned a knowing smile.

I nodded. She understood without my having to explain. Knowing that she did, and that she gave me that understanding with acceptance and no censure, made me feel more than simply good.

Our conversation wandered across what had happened this past year and what the new year might bring. Talking with Natsuki once again helped me see that many of those events weren't quite as bad as they seemed when I looked at them by myself alone.

_Thank you for believing I am—and helping me to be—a better person, Natsuki. I hope I might be able to someday do the same for you._

.

Natsuki helped cleaning up after breakfast, just as she had in preparing it. As we finished, my thoughts and our conversation turned to the shrine visit Natsuki said she'd do. Doing the first shrine visit of the year together with her felt wonderful.

"Are you still willing to dress traditionally?" I asked. "I don't want to push if it makes you uncomfortable..."

"No, it's OK. If we're going shrine visiting, that's what to wear. ...and thanks for the loan." She looked genuinely appreciative. "I don't have anything like that."

I smiled at this. Of course it made me happy to loan her a kimono. Not only did I enjoy doing something for her, but she would also look beautiful in it, and more than that, she was happily accepting what I did for her.

"Here, let me show you what I have."

I led the way back to my bedroom to show her the two kimono I had laid out yesterday. I smiled to myself. Thanks to the wonderful place I slept, I hadn't even had to move them from my bed to make room to sleep there.

Natsuki was drawn to the deep blue of the chrysanthemum colors for December, just as I expected she would be.

"Thanks for getting this out and letting me use it," she said.

"It's no problem." It was in fact nothing like a problem, rather I considered it a favor to me that Natsuki would let me loan her these clothes. "You can use my room to have some privacy to change. Do you want to change first or should I?"

"Go ahead. You're faster anyway," she replied, and headed back out to the living room.

I closed my bedroom door and quickly put up my hair and donned my kimono. I didn't exactly rush, but as I was checking that everything was in the right place, I realized that putting on a kimono uses a different set of skills than donning western clothes, and that fewer and fewer people nowadays possessed them.

After checking that everything was set out for Natsuki, I headed back to the the living room where she sat waiting.

"Natsuki, I'm done. The room is all yours now."

She entered my bedroom and closed the door behind her. I continued up the hall where I took out two pair of zori for us from the shoe cupboard by the door, then retired to the bathroom to do some last checks on my outfit and makeup in front of the mirror there. I wanted to look my best for Natsuki; she deserves it.

No sooner had I finished than Natsuki called out, "Shizuru, can you help me with my obi?" I could hear the frustration in her voice.

"Of course," I answered, then mentally added, _And thank you for asking me to help, Natsuki._ I strengthened my resolve to never repeat the transgressions I had allowed myself with her that time during the Carnival when I had changed her clothes after rescuing her from Nao. Her being fully awake now would definitely help me.

Natsuki had done quite a credible job with everything but the obi, and she had that ready for me. It took me a lot of practice before I could readily tie my own obi, so there was no shame in her asking for help. As I tied Natsuki's I thought how much better she had done with her kimono than most girls would: definitely better than my fans whom I had helped dress a few times in years past. I was able to straighten a couple places Natsuki couldn't see herself (though perhaps my tying her obi had introduced those wrinkles). I also noticed that instead of putting her hair up like I had, she had gathered her long tresses with a lavender bow just below her shoulder-blades. That matched her outfit and looked quite good. I told her so and was rewarded with a blush as she avoided eye contact.

"There you go," I said when I had finished, and gave Natsuki a quick look over to make sure everything was in order—and to be perfectly honest, to savor her beauty. When I had confirmed everything with Natsuki's outfit looked right, I asked, "Is mine OK?"

Natsuki nodded that it was.

"Wait," I said as a thought struck me, "there's one more thing."

I turned and pulled out my jewelry box from my dresser. I soon found what I was seeking, and fastened it around my neck as I turned back towards Natsuki. Her eyes widened when she recognized that I had just put on the necklace she had given me for my birthday.

"This may not be perfectly traditional," I explained, "but I think it goes with the color—and I really want to wear it at a time like this."

Natsuki's surprised smile deepened into another blush at these words, which made her look both cute and beautiful. I smiled back, realizing that as cute as her reaction was, I wasn't aiming for that. I had only spoken the unadorned, honest truth.


	11. Chapter 11: First Shrine Visit

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 11**

**First Shrine Visit**

* * *

_One who through the years has clung  
to a single hope, O let her today  
pine no more and hear  
the least little warbler's first song!_

_—The Tale of Genji_

.

We slipped our feet into the zori I had set out and headed out the door. The neighborhood shrine was only a short walk from my apartment.

"Think we'll see anyone we know?" Natsuki asked.

"I wonder."

This made me reflect on whether I wanted to see anyone we knew or not. My brain served up reasons to wish it either way, but the more I thought, the more I realized it all depended on Natsuki's opinion of our being seen together like this. I was no longer so greedy as to feel I needed to monopolize her company and thus wish to meet no friend who might intrude. However this turned out, if Natsuki was happy, then I would be too.

These thoughts kept my mind occupied during our walk to the shrine, and Natsuki seemed content to walk together in silence. With her beside me, this silence was not so much an absence of speech as it was the presence of a warm, comfortable peace which quietly supported and enveloped us both.

ooo OOO ooo

This silence was broken after we finished washing our hands as the prelude to entering the shrine. We were surprised to meet Haruka and Yukino. Haruka does not coexist well with silence.

"Happy New Year, Suzushiro-han, Kikukawa-han," I said.

Natsuki added her, "Happy New Year."

While this was the obvious thing to say, I still felt good that she shared my sentiments and joined me in wishing them.

Haruka seemed less pleased.

"Fujino!" she snapped. "Are you still caustic trouble?"

Perhaps seeing me in a kimono brought unhappy memories back to Haruka. Then again, what I did back during the Carnival in that other kimono was nothing to be proud of. I know that what I did to Yukino would have been especially painful to Haruka, if my assumptions about the two of them were correct, whether or not Haruka acknowledged them.

"Haruka-chan!" Yukino once more exerted her moderating influence on Haruka, then reflexively corrected her. "That's causing."

In my own head I agreed this was likely what Haruka meant, but reflected that from Haruka's point of view, "caustic trouble" might well be a reasonable description for me. I still regretted my madness and actions back then, and even more did not want them to poison my relationship with Natsuki—or others, though she was by far the most important.

It was time for me to do something: something more than the polite greetings at Mai's Christmas party.

"Please forgive me for what I did back then." I bowed deeply to Haruka and Yukino. "I want to never hurt others like that again."

"Fujino!" Haruka's volatile temper would not be so easily assuaged.

"Haruka-chan, please," Yukino begged her. This did make Haruka subside to quiet fuming for the moment. Yukino then turned to me. "I forgive you. We all did things to repent of back then." She looked at me with imploring eyes. "Please don't be angry with Haruka-chan."

"Thank you, Kikukawa-han. I will try my best to do so."

Before we could say more, Natsuki stepped forward, locked gazes with the still simmering Haruka.

"Shizuru apologized. Yukino just accepted her apology. I've accepted hers. Can't you?" She demanded. "If you don't, _I_ will never forgive you!"

I turned to look at Natsuki. Did she just say that? Did she just defend me ...that strongly? Yes, she did. I wonder whether my awe and gratitude showed on my face. I hoped Natsuki would notice—or at least know—how much I appreciated her defense, though I'd rather keep that knowledge just between the two of us.

I wouldn't blame Natsuki for not noticing my expression at that moment, as she had Haruka pinned under her firm gaze. Haruka is anything but easily cowed, yet Natsuki was able to hold her thus with only her will. Few can hold Haruka like that, and this is not just my admiration of Natsuki speaking.

After being held like this for a while, Haruka finally dropped her gaze and turned to me. "I forgive you," she said.

I bowed to Haruka in thanks and acceptance. She stormed off, Yukino following in her turbulent wake.

When they had disappeared into the crowd giving us the "privacy" of being surrounded by people who did not know and would ignore us, I took Natsuki's hand. Squeezing it tightly, I looked into her eyes and said, "Thank you." Her lovely face began to blur as my eyes filled with more than just gratitude and admiration. "I..." But no more words would come; my heart was too full with this gift from Natsuki. She not only forgave me, she defended me _...publicly ...strongly._ This was a gift precious beyond even my ability with words.

Natsuki seemed to understand what I could not put into words. She returned my squeeze, nodded, and told me, "You're welcome." I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the smile she gave me then made her face even more beautiful ...and melted my heart.

Natsuki then gestured toward the inner part of the shrine with her free hand, suggesting, "Let's go."

I will happily follow her anywhere.

.

We made our way through the crowd and line to the central shrine. Even had we walked on something far softer than the paving stones, I felt I would not have left a single footprint; I felt I was floating. Natsuki made no attempt to let go of my hand until we got to the offering box. Of course, neither did I.

At the offering box, we let go of each other, tossed in our offerings, clapped, and bowed for a moment of silent prayer. Mine was of thanks for Natsuki's company and forgiveness these past months, and of hope that everything might go well for her, and if possible for _us._ I didn't make the common prayer on this occasion for the well-being of my family. Then I realized, that if my hopes truly came to be, that this was exactly what I had prayed for. I lifted my head after finishing, glanced at Natsuki, and caught her doing the same to me. Both of us wore a faint, furtive smile. I did not ask what she had prayed for; that would have been an impolite invasion of her privacy. Neither did she ask me.

We followed the rest of the crowd and stopped by the shrine maiden selling fortunes. I drew number 13 and Natsuki drew 37. Both of these fortunes were headed by _dai-kichi_ (great luck). I went on to read more of mine.

_The door to a shining light of hope opens._ _Life should be celebrated and enjoyed. If you are patient, efforts of the recent past will bring a great harvest. Go forward without fear while gathering the strength to make a leap._

Wow!

I scanned down to the specific predictions and read,

.

_Love: You will be blessed with a gentle, tender love._

I felt my face break into a broad smile, one of pure joy, unalloyed by any artifice. I hoped that my variety of love was included in the meaning here.

Walking away, we paused by the array of wires standing in for pine trees where people would tie not-so-good fortunes so that the ill fortune would wait by the "pine tree" as opposed to clinging to the person. I glanced at my fortune again and decided it was surely one to keep.

"Some people say this is only superstition, or tradition, but I really hope that this does come true," I told Natsuki as I tucked my fortune into my kimono to save. "What about yours?"

Her blush deepened, and she very quietly answered, "Me too," and stashed her fortune in her kimono as well.

My curiosity strongly pushed me to ask more about her simple answer. Had she gotten something like my fortune, maybe? I hoped so—hoped that hers also foretold a hopeful year as mine did. But I resisted the urge to ask, as I knew this was neither the time nor the place to pry: that doing so would likely irritate Natsuki and drive her farther away. No, I would hold my peace and try to be patient, and hope my fortune worked out the way I was reading it.

ooo OOO ooo

We took some time to enjoy today's clear weather as we walked through the wooded part of the shrine grounds. The pines stood tall, looking stately, clad in their dark green in spite of the winter. Next to them stood the old sakura, bare and lonely for now, but promising new life and beauty from their branches in a few months.

While we were walking beneath the trees, Oshima-han came up and wished Natsuki and me a Happy New Year. She is an older woman who lives not far from my apartment. We have gotten to know each other as we often meet at the nearby fruit seller or supermarket. I have never told her much of Natsuki, beyond the simple "a friend is coming over" in way of explanation for some extra items in my basket. She saw Natsuki and I walking together and greeted us as though it were only natural for us to be so. Those old dark eyes of hers likely see deeper than I give her credit.

"It's so good to see young women like you still wearing nice kimono these days," she said. "You even know the chrysanthemum and pine color schemes for these two months. Most girls your age don't. You two look good together; you look so lovely in them."

Oshima-han obviously did know something of the Ogasawara-school of etiquette, though this was not as much of a surprise in a lady of her years. More than that, she complimented Natsuki and me on looking good _together._ Natsuki didn't seem to mind her observation, and I naturally loved to hear it.

"Thank you," I replied with a bow that showed how honored I was by her compliment and keen perception.

Natsuki blushed deeply at this and joined me in bowing, without hesitation. Her bow matched mine in depth and timing as though we were a pair of princesses who had been doing so in unison for years. I severely doubt Natsuki has had training in that, so my guess is that she is more skilled—and practiced—at observing and following me than I thought. That we are in sync to a degree that quite warms my heart. Perhaps it was seeing some of this which prompted Oshima-han's "together".

"Mother and grandmother made sure that I learned a few things," I explained to Oshima-han when her expression continued to show interest. "Thank you for noticing."

I gestured to Natsuki. "Please allow me to introduce my friend Kuga." I turned to Natsuki and continued, "And Natsuki, this is Oshima-han who also lives in this vicinity."

Natsuki bowed again. "I am Kuga Natsuki. I'm honored to make your acquaintance."

"I'm pleased to meet you as well, Miss Kuga." Oshima-han returned a friendly smile. "It's good to see Miss Fujino has such a nice friend."

We talked a little more of Oshima-han's daughter and granddaughter; both were doing well. Natsuki let me do most of the talking, but her smiles and nods as we talked told me that she had picked up on Oshima-han's observations, and if she did not know the details, she did understand the care and thought I put into preparing our outfits, that there was more skill and knowledge behind it than a mere "this looks nice." Her smile told me that she appreciated that as well. This from Natsuki was ample reward.

After we parted from Oshima-han, Natsuki asked me, "So, where'd you meet her?"

"We frequently encounter each other at the grocery store," I explained. "Our schedules seem to have lined up this past year, and so we fell to talking."

"I'll bet she was happy to meet a polite girl like you," Natsuki commented, half straightforward observation and half teasing, both of which felt good.

"Oshima-han did say something along those lines," I replied in kind. "She is a very nice lady."

Natsuki nodded, agreeing. I could see the wheels turning in her head. It seems she enjoyed meeting Oshima-han and expanding the circle of "nice people" that she knew ...or rather (as I hoped was the case) that _we_ knew.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The reason pine trees are used as a place for ill fortune to wait is the millennium-old association the Japanese have between pines and waiting. For in Japanese, both "wait" and "pine" are pronounced "_matsu_."

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
The fortune Shizuru got at the shrine is one that I actually received at Gokoku Shrine in Sendai. The words in it seemed so appropriate for Shizuru that I bequeath it to her.

.

Thank you again for continuing to read this story, and for sharing your thoughts in reviews. My muse and I really appreciate them, and she's still blushing from some.

Sorry to disappoint those of you expecting Shizuru and Natsuki to kiss _in this chapter._ They're not quite at that stage yet. I hope you're enjoying this slower growth and opening of their relationship, rather than (as one reviewer put it), the "instant clashing of raging hormones." As Shizuru tries to work things out—and watches Natsuki try the same—she is also trying enjoy life's journey as well, not simply focus on the goal. Hopefully you too can share in her enjoyment.

I also hope that the background atmosphere I'm painting in this story seems "natural and Japanese." Some pieces are obvious (like this chapter's kimono and shrine visit), but I'm also trying to have the little pieces work together for that as well. It seems so in my head; I just want to make sure it comes across on the page. ...and my muse is now tapping her foot, looking at me with an expression that says, "remember when we talked about self-doubt?"

I look forward to hearing all of your thoughts. Please keep them coming. Muse-san really appreciates them (short and long), as do I.


	12. Chapter 12: An Offering of Orange

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 12**

**An Offering of Orange**

* * *

_My love must have filled  
the boundless heavens,  
for though I would escape it,  
I find it everywhere._

_—Kokinshuu #488_

.

We took a leisurely route back from the shrine, as Natsuki seemed to want to see more of the neighborhood. The buildings, streets and little parks gave us ample subjects for conversation. Natsuki was curious, I was happy to share what I knew, and Natsuki had interesting comments and observations of her own.

My hope wanted to believe that this interest was part of Natsuki beginning to consider my apartment something more than just a "quiet place to go study". Whatever her reason, I was overjoyed to spend this time with her. I was also glad that the chill was not enough to quickly drive us inside, though time indoors together with Natsuki is also very good.

.

Back at my apartment we changed into more relaxed clothing than formal kimono. Natsuki had moved well—and beautifully—in her kimono and never uttered a complaint about it being uncomfortable or constricting. I guess such movement came easily to her now, as the fighting during the Carnival left her knowing exactly where her limbs are and how to precisely move her body. Of course, I had years of practice moving in kimono.

.

We joined each other back in the living room once we had finished changing.

"I'm sorry." I gestured toward the TV. "I don't have any video games for you to play."

"That's all right." Natsuki laughed. "Video gaming isn't the only fun thing to do. Plus, I figure it's not your favorite way to pass the time."

"True." I joined her laughing. "That may be why I haven't happened to buy any."

When we finished laughing, Natsuki headed over to her bag and pulled out an orange DVD box.

"That's why I brought along the disks for _Orange Days_," she said. "That is, if you're interested and haven't already seen it. It aired last year." She grinned. "Well, year before last, now." Her grin turned to a hopeful smile. "The clerk at the rental store recommended it. He said the writing, directing and acting were all good and that it won several awards. The group of college friends in it sound like they might be interesting." In a quiet, hesitant voice she concluded, "I thought you might like it."

"Sure. If you think it sounds fun..." I saw something like hope color Natsuki's eyes. "Let's give it a try."

"Yeah." Her hesitancy returned. "We don't have to watch it all if you don't like it.

Natsuki doing this—going out of her way to pick something she thought I'd like—made me sure I would enjoy watching _Orange Days_ together, regardless of whether I might have enjoyed it on its own. And her effort made me even happier. These weren't just some disks she had lying around: they were something she especially got for "us" (or at least me).

I decided not to mention that I too had rented a couple movies for this possibility. I had picked action-thrillers, thinking Natsuki might enjoy that genre. Even though I hadn't really heard anything of _Orange Days_, since she selected it, I figured she would probably like it just as much as an action-thriller. It would definitely be more enjoyable to me because she had.

The first few episodes seemed to fulfill this promise.

.

Evening came and both of us began to grow hungry, so we took a break from watching. The noodles we had for lunch from a stall at the shrine weren't going to hold us forever.

"If you're up for another traditional meal for dinner," I ventured, "I have all the makings of _ozōni_ here."

"Sure, that sounds good. It's been a while since I've had that."

I saw something I wished to call hesitant hope in Natsuki's eyes as she softly wondered,

"I can help you again?"

"Of course. Thank you."

Someday I needed to tell Natsuki that her help—and her offers of it—are a gift, not an imposition.

.

After dinner, we watched some more and talked late into the night. It seemed _Orange Days_ had caught Natsuki's interest as well as mine. Many of the characters seemed to resonate with her as well. Their hopes and problems seemed real—though slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect. I admired Sae's pride and independence, and I was touched by the pain of her deafness and her efforts to overcome it. Her deafness robbed her of an ordinary youth, just as the Carnival took away ours.

Kai is almost too kind. I nearly cried along with Sae when he told her, "I will save you from darkness." I quite understand why that made Sae cry. I _so_ want Natsuki to keep on saving me like that, even if Sae's darkness is of sound and mine of madness. I think Natsuki also appreciated what Kai and Sae do for each other: support, encouragement, caring. I want things to work out for them, $...$and for us.

_Thank you, Natsuki, for finding this show for us to watch._

While I... While we see how much Kai and Sae do and are for each other, they also have the support of their friends, just as Natsuki and I do ...at least I can believe our friends are supportive, when my fear doesn't get the best of me.

I would not have expected Natsuki to have chosen a romance like this. She also seemed surprised by that aspect, but at least didn't always look discomfited by it, though I feel she appreciated my keeping to myself during the romantic scenes. The cast wasn't always the best at dealing with that type of relationship, but then I really shouldn't throw stones on that topic. Talking about the show, Natsuki and I tended to discuss the friendships among the cast and how they dealt with Sae's deafness or their own career choices. Those seemed safer topics than love.

That night I slept in my own bed as I did not want to push my luck too far. So much wonderful had already happened that I wished for nothing to disturb that. Plus, merely sitting and chatting together with Natsuki was wonderful enough. I slept quite well.

.

Our second breakfast together this year was much like our first, save we did not get up to watch the sun rise or share a poem about it.

After a lot more conversation and a couple more episodes, we took a break from the TV to make a quick lunch from some of the ingredients we didn't use the first night when we ate Natsuki's soba instead. We then returned to watching and talking.

When the sun had well and truly set, Natsuki suggested we go out for dinner. I happily agreed. We went to Momo this time, as they were open on the second. We also thought the figures made of _chirimen_, depicting the animals of the zodiac, which decorated their windows made an appropriate accompaniment for the first meal out this year. Momo's beef curry rice is good, and we chose to celebrate the new year with their specialty _anmitsu_ for dessert. When we finished, Natsuki swiped the check before I could grab it.

"My treat," she explained.

"But Natsuki, I..."

She gave a minute shake of her head. "You've done so much for me this weekend. Please."

There was no way I could ever refuse the entreaty in her eyes. I felt my cheeks warm.

"Thank you, Natsuki."

I could see her smile form as she turned to pay the little man who runs Momo.

_Thank you, Natsuki. Your happiness is an even better gift than this meal._

We didn't take the quickest route home either. This time we walked down wider roads instead of the small residential byways. These were better lit and the stores that were open offered an interesting change of scenery from yesterday's walk. Natsuki's interest in my neighborhood continued to make me feel ...wonderful.

.

Making and eating breakfast together next morning seemed blessedly routine. I silently hoped this might someday actually be that routine, but I dared not let myself dwell on that hope.

After washing up the breakfast dishes, we sat down to watch the last episode of _Orange Days_. The ending was almost too much for me, the feelings almost too powerfully real. Natsuki kept her reactions to herself, and the story held me strongly enough that I didn't pay as close attention to them as I usually did.

Kai skipped out on his graduation ceremony early and went back to the the student lounge to say goodbye to it and the many memories it held. One memory had returned, the Orange Notebook in which they had all recorded and shared their thoughts. Sae had taken it as a memento when she left for Germany, so why was it here? He looked inside and found a new entry, a letter to him from Sae.

Kai bolted to look for her. While he ran all over campus, desperately searching, remembering their times together, Sae narrated the letter to us. Many of her words spoke to me ...and for me. Both of us had been saved from darkness: she by Kai, and I by Natsuki. Like Sae, "I gave up on several things, in my despair. I could no longer believe that I could meet the only one for me in the world, the only one of my lifetime." These past months I had been blessed with a slender hope, and so it seemed, was Sae.

But that hope was a frail and wavering thing. Sae's letter was also one of farewell and best wishes. Would I be writing a similar letter to Natsuki in a few months when I graduated? I didn't want to... I didn't even want to think of that. But should I?

Kai finally found Sae—in the very spot where he began the show. Their friendly banter was refreshingly familiar. Then they turned more serious, and Kai asked, "Why don't we start again from here? The two of us, one more time, ...together."

_Yes, please! Can we, Natsuki? Are we?_

When Sae said "yes" with a smile and a hug, I could no longer hold back, and my eyes overflowed with tears.

Natsuki silently handed me a corner of our blanket to dry them. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Even though I knew she wasn't interested in love, she was here for me as a supportive friend. Her quiet assistance made the blanket corner doubly useful, as that realization meant it now had more happy tears to absorb.

The last scene drenched the blanket corner again when Sae called after Kai as he left for work. Their expressions and ordinary exchange of "_Itterasshai_" and "_Ittekimasu_" showed they were making a good life together, as I hoped we also could someday.

We sat there on the couch for the rest of the morning, not doing much: sometimes quietly enjoying each other's company, often talking. Our conversation ranged over many topics, but we seemed to agree that _Orange Days_ wasn't something to talk about then. I believe the romance in it was something Natsuki wasn't ready to think of. And perhaps she also didn't want to deal with the feelings it called forth in me: help me dry my tears, yes; actually discuss what brought them on, no.

I looked over at Natsuki. She was also pausing to think, and perhaps to grant me time to my thoughts as well. Her slight grin as she caught me doing so made me realize that maybe I didn't quite have my thoughts correct. Natsuki might understand what was going on in my head better than I guessed, so maybe the answer to talking about _Orange Days_—and specifically, why it made me cry—was simply, "not yet."

I smiled back at her, and hoped she understood ...and that I did as well.

.

Noon was approaching as were the first pangs of hunger when Natsuki's phone rang. It was Mai, thanking Natsuki for helping with Mikoto. She invited us to come to Linden Baum for lunch, as it was open and she was working that shift. Natsuki and I agreed. This might be a good way to transition back to "normal school life." Also, my trying to monopolize Natsuki would be both unfair to her and likely bring questions from Mai which Natsuki (and perhaps I as well) might not wish to answer.

As we headed over to Linden Baum, I realized that more than watching TV or exploring the neighborhood together, what I most treasured this weekend were the many times Natsuki and I simply sat and enjoyed each others company, sometimes silent, sometimes talking. Ever between us there seemed a calm, timeless understanding. More than once we totally lost track of time, the clock claiming a couple hours had passed while it seemed mere minutes to us. In one sense what we talked of was of no great consequence, but looking at it another way, those words were just the waves on the surface of the deep ocean of thoughts and feelings flowing between us. So in that sense, our conversations were some of the most meaningful I've ever had.

.

Yes, this year had a very good and propitious beginning.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The _ozōni_ Shizuru and Natsuki have for the first dinner of the new year is another traditional New Year's dish, and is considered quite lucky to eat on New Year's Day. It's a soup full of mochi (glutenous rice cakes). Depending on the regional (or even household) variety, it can also contain other tasty goodies like vegetables, _kamaboko_ (fish-cake), fish, or meat.

.

Sae's "_itterasshai_" and Kai's answer of "_ittekimasu_" are the normal words exchanged between family members when one leaves home. She is literally telling him to "go and come back," but with the unquestionable implication of "have a safe trip," and that this really is a home to come back to. His "_ittekimasu_" again is literally, "I'm going and will return," but with similar implications. What affects Shizuru so strongly are these implications of home and family, and the natural normalcy of the relationship.

.

Shizuru is also enjoying a joke in the chapter title, as oranges (usually bitter oranges (_daidai_)) are one of the common new-year's offerings at the family altar (often with mochi). _Orange Days_, of course, isn't a real orange for the offering, but that doesn't stop Shizuru's amusement at the matching name.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
This chapter offers more "quiet time together" for Shizuru and Natsuki. I hope you enjoyed it. I need not say that they did.

Thank you all for continuing to read **Rebirth of Love**, and especially for taking to time to share your thoughts and reactions with me in reviews—short and long—as well as in some PM exchanges. My muse and I both deeply appreciate these gifts from you. You also put a gleeful smile on her face as she pointed out to me that this is now tied for the most reviews of any story I've posted, ...and it's not even done yet.

She just tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to extend her thanks to you as well. If only you could see her wonderful smile as she asked.

.

The show Shizuru and Natsuki watch together, _Orange Days_, is a real Japanese drama from 2004 starring Shibasaki Kou and Tsumabuki Satoshi. I'll leave you to look up further details but will happily play the part of the rental clerk and recommend it to you. There are many more scenes in it which moved Shizuru (or Natsuki) which I have not written of here, nor have I told all the parallels in it that Shizuru saw, for this is a _Mai HiME_ story, not one about _Orange Days_.

I hope I have told enough about _Orange Days_ to make Shizuru's reactions seem understandable and natural. I'm sorry if I spoiled anything for you in the show, but I don't see a way to get her reactions and their origin across otherwise.

.

For that matter, Momo is another real restaurant. Due to their window decoration, friends and I call it as "curry of the zodiac" (yes, the curry is good), even though _anmitsu_ is at least as much their specialty.


	13. Chapter 13: Crossroads

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 13**

**Crossroads**

* * *

_Goaded by misery,  
I resolved to forget you  
at whatever cost,  
but now I find that a dream  
has revived all my old hopes._

_—Fujiwara Okikaze, Kokinshuu #569_

.

The beginning of the school term was a letdown for me, though just about anything would have been compared with spending New Year's vacation together with Natsuki at my place. But time flows on, and I found I was able to concentrate on school for the most part now. That was good, as this was also the time the faculty decided they needed to hold last-minute individual counseling meetings with each of us seniors.

I arrived for my meeting with Nakamura-sensei. The schools has several small rooms for sessions like this, each equipped with a low table, couch and chairs, and he had scheduled one of these for us. We sat down across the table, and he glanced at the file in front of him.

"Fujino-san," he began, "I see you have not updated your selection of university since you chose Fuuka University in your first year. Are you sure this is still the university you wish to attend?" He smiled awkwardly at me. "While we appreciate your support, we suspect you might be choosing Fuuka merely because it is an easy choice. You have the brains and the grades to get into a first class university. We think you should consider going somewhere like Tokyo University, or if you would rather be closer to home, Kyoto University is also very good. Have you seriously considered either of these two?"

I was forced to admit that I had not.

Three years ago, I had just met and fallen for Natsuki. I chose Fuuka University then as it also offered a chance to be near her for a while longer, at least until she graduated. Maybe not the best reason, but I was young then and foolishly in love. Since that time, there had never been sufficient reason to reconsider my choice, and after the Carnival it was close enough to other painful subjects to make me want to not spend much thought on it.

"We think you ought to," Nakamura-sensei replied, breaking my train of thought. "Remember, your choice of university has a major influence on the rest of your life, and it is not one to be made lightly or for convenience of the moment. You should spend some effort to ensure you make the correct decision."

"Yes, sensei," I replied with a small bow.

I think he was not expecting meek compliance from me, given the look of surprise which he quickly wiped from his face. I guess my thoughts of Natsuki occupied more of my mind than I suspected. My subconscious probably knew I could renegotiate this answer should I need to. And even if I didn't this wasn't _that_ much extra work that I signed up for. Perhaps I really should think about it. On the other hand, I thought I had done a better job of hiding my tendency to let Haruka do a lion's share of the Student Council work. I guess Nakamura-sensei has seen enough lazy students over the years to make him suspicious.

My agreement surprised him enough that he seemed unsure how to proceed next. He continued with the topic I assume he was intending to use to convince me, even though I had already acquiesced.

"I see that you have been consistent in your career aspirations surveys throughout your time her as well. Are you still aiming to become an executive at the same bank where your father works?"

"Yes, sensei. My father and I agree that seems to be the path in life best suited to my interests and abilities."

I smiled blandly back at him, while conversations on these topics with Dad ran secretly through my head. Dad and I had not talked explicitly of my plans, but we both knew them and had talked about preparations and such. Dad also was of the opinion that I might do well in the international portion of the bank's business.

Nakamura-sensei looked at me for a bit and realized he had little leverage to dispute this with me. If he tried to pull traditional rank of a teacher, I could counter with the trump card of Dad's position as father and head of the family. Thankfully, it seemed that Nakamura-sensei thought my career goal was reasonable. I am truly glad he did not try to suggest I simply become a housewife. That would have ended ...poorly.

We were able to conclude our conference without my having to commit to doing anything else, though he urged me to waste no time, as the next two weeks were the application period for most universities.

.

That evening I had less homework, and realized that it would probably be wise to look into universities like Nakamura-sensei had asked—at least for a little bit. I smiled to myself as I set up my laptop on the table. I would not be surprised if Nakamura-sensei expected me to visit the library and review the various printed resources there. The internet would work as well—or better—for what I was doing now. He isn't the most technologically advanced faculty member. But he had a point, nonetheless. If I was honest with myself, I really ought to spend some time considering which university to aim for.

Going to one like he suggested would mean leaving Fuuka, but that actually had appealing elements. During the Carnival a lot had happened here, or rather I should say I had done a lot to be ashamed of. Not being here would keep me from being reminded of those deeds by constantly seeing the people and places tied to them. Something in the back of my head served up another memory. At Mai's Christmas party I had been able to make peace with Nao, Haruka and Yukino, or at least talk to them amiably. That let me feel that leaving Fuuka would not just be running away from even facing them.

And Natsuki... As always, things involving Natsuki were complicated. It felt good to be able to rebuild our relationship after the Carnival. But as good as that felt, I still wanted more, though it was not fair to Natsuki to demand more from her than she was willing to give. Then again, my self-control had snapped before, and the dark places of my mind whispered that it might just snap again. No! I could never let myself do something like that to Natsuki ever again. Even if I never again did something that bad to Natsuki, I still feared some misstep of mine would again bring her pain, or destroy the relationship we had rebuilt. After all I had done, could I ever become someone Natsuki could really trust? I feared not.

So maybe it was better for me to leave. Could I forget? It would be hard, but for Natsuki's sake I could try.

I'm sure my parents would enjoy me attending a university in Kyoto. If I did, they could see me more regularly, which is something they've been wanting. Mom accepted my staying here for the holidays, but I could tell she and Dad also wanted my company, though they held back from saying so.

So while I took a cursory glance at Tokyo University, I concentrated on what was available in Kyoto. As Nakamura-sensei said, Kyoto University had an excellent reputation. Since they had a correspondingly tough entrance examination—being one of the more selective in the nation—it behooved me to look into alternatives. Two of the four leading private universities in western Japan also happen to be in Kyoto: Ritsumeikan University and Doshisha University. These also ranked well in the list of "Truly Strong Universities" from the October issue of Toyo Keizai. They don't rank National Universities like Kyoto University, so it isn't included that list. While Ritsumeikan ranked higher, slightly more of Doshisha's alumni are executives, which is important in the career path I was thinking of. Doshisha has the minor advantage that they are located right next to—and are closely associated with—the Doshisha Women's College of Liberal Arts. Hmm... That also had a certain appeal. A woman's college offered attractive distractions and maybe even reasons to forget ...certain things.

All of these universities quickly served up their home pages to me, and I spent some time looking through each of them. Each seemed to have reasonable schools of business, international relations, and literature, all of which interested me. For that matter, so did Fuuka, and they also had ties to several of the local companies I already knew from my Student Council work. None of these universities offered an easy reason to exclude them as all seemed to at least be suitable for me to attend.

After a half-detailed reading these pages, I closed my laptop and stared into the nothingness above it for a while, trying to clear my mind. This brought neither clarity nor conclusion.

I finally came to a realization: not a decision, but I at least knew the next step to take.

It is ill to make such decisions quickly and irrevocably, except when pressed by some extreme need. So I saved the references that I'd been looking at and resolved to revisit this question after I had slept on things and given my subconscious a chance to ruminate on my thoughts. Thankfully Nakamura-sensei was not demanding an answer from me tomorrow, for he would get none.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The universities Shizuru looks at (as alternatives to Fuuka) are actually real and respected ones. Kyoto University and Tokyo University are both leading National Universities with world-class reputations. Doshisha University is one of the oldest private universities in Japan, and is located in northeastern Kyoto. Ritsumeikan is similarly respected, and on the northwest side of town.

.

The list of "Truly Strong Universities" Shizuru refers to is published every October by the Toyo Keizai, a well-known Japanese business magazine, and is based on multiple factors of merit for each institution. They only started ranking national universities, like Kyoto University, the year after this one.

.

I will be like Nakamura-sensei now, and leave it to you to delve deeper into the maybes and perhapses of Shizuru's path in higher education, looking up the same information about these universities that Shizuru did.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Thank you again for continuing to read and review **Rebirth of Love**. My muse and I both appreciate them, for your sentiments, for your insights, and for the support and motivation you give both of us.

I will again presume to appropriate a piece from Japanese Literature to convey my sentiments. These apply to both reviews and PMs, as Sei Shōnagon exchanged everything from brief lines of poetry to long missives. She says:

.

_Letters are commonplace enough, yet what splendid things they are! ... If letters did not exist, what dark depressions would come over one! When one has been worrying about something and wants to tell a certain person about it, what a relief it is to put it all down in a letter! Still greater is one's joy when a reply arrives. At that moment a letter really seems like an elixir of life._

_—Sei Shōnagon The Pillow Book_

Thank you for your gifts of elixir.


	14. Chapter 14: School Lunch

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 14**

**School Lunch**

* * *

_How delightful it would be to converse intimately with someone of the same mind, sharing with her the pleasures of uninhibited conversation on the amusing and foolish things of this world, but such friends are hard to find._

_—Kenkō, Essays in Idleness #12_

.

.

The next day at school, Natsuki found me coming back from the ladies room just before lunch.

"Hey. You doing anything for lunch?" she hesitantly asked. "I've... I... um, if you aren't, I'd like to have lunch with you."

"With you, Natsuki? Of course."

How could I turn down a request from her, and especially one which I sensed was significant enough to make her this uncertain. I saw her expression minutely change to relief, then concern again as some private thought occurred to her.

"I doubt Kikukawa-han will begrudge us the use of the new Student Council Room," I ventured.

The offer of privacy seemed to ease this new concern of Natsuki's.

We found Yukino in the Student Council Room, and she readily agreed to let us use it as a private lunchroom. "Anyway, I should find Haruka-chan and have her show me some more of the patrol routes she uses," she explained, heading for the door. She nodded knowingly to me as I closed the door behind her.

.

Natsuki and I pulled up chairs, sat down across from each other at one of the tables, and took out our lunches. I poured tea for both of us to drink.

"Thank you for joining me for lunch," I said. "I'm honored."

Natsuki's blush was far deeper than I would have expected from just those words. There was something else going on her her mind, and I would simply wait for her to tell me. I sipped my tea, trying to be patient. This was not the time for me to push, I sensed, as I didn't want to raise Natsuki's powerful self-protective instinct. I left it up to her to say why she wanted to talk. Even if she didn't, I would still enjoy sharing lunch with her. I was completely honest when I told her how honored I felt.

"I, um..." Natsuki finally, hesitantly began. "I think I need someone to talk to. Mai's busy and Mikoto wouldn't understand, and... honestly you were the first person who came to mind."

That was a surprise and a compliment. Though she mentioned Mai, her roommate, first, she explicitly said I was the first to come to her mind. Part of me hoped that was not only for talking. But I still treasure all talking with her.

"Thank you, Natsuki. What is it that you'd like to talk about?"

My mind spun several possible scenarios for me, but I ignored them and focused on Natsuki. Whatever I could do or be for her, I wanted to.

"Well, you know how Takeda's chased after me for years?"

I nodded in agreement, indicating she should continue.

"Well, yesterday..." Natsuki's blush deepened, and she finished in a rush. "Yesterday Yamakura—in Mai's class—asked me to go out with him. He said that he's been in love with me for a long time, that I was beautiful, that he thought we could have fun together."

Having said all that, she resolved the issue of how to proceed next by digging into her lunch with gusto.

"Oh, my." I don't think I quite succeeded in suppressing my smile, but at least I wasn't blatant about my reaction. "Thank you for trusting me enough to talk this over. It does sound like he surprised you with this. How do you feel about his confession? —or about him?"

"I wasn't expecting it; I thought I only had to worry about Takeda and had settled that. And how do I feel?" Natsuki paused and looked out the window, then straight at me. "I don't know... confused? worried? That's why I wanted to talk to you."

She trusted me enough to lay this issue of the heart before me. And she felt that talking with me would help her confusion and worry? That was a complement, but then my mind pointed out that this could be because she saw me as _only_ a friend. Perhaps the uncertainty that raised prompted me to fall back into my old style of teasing.

"I can't say I'm surprised that others find my cute Natsuki attractive."

Why did I say that!? Of course, Natsuki was outraged by it, but somehow it seemed much milder than usual. Why? Anyway, now that our practiced repartee was over, I continued with what I should have said.

"You didn't say you felt happy, Natsuki, or even that you felt complimented. Those are common reactions."

"No." Natsuki paused, thoughtful. She was giving serious thought to my response, as it seemed that she had little experience with either romance or sorting out her own feelings.

I took this time to ponder why more guys now seemed willing to approach Natsuki. This would certainly not have happened last year, and if it had, Yamakura would have been breaking icicles off his nose from the cold blast, while Natsuki went off, never giving the incident another thought. Could it be that "Ice Princess Natsuki" was beginning to thaw? I dared say nothing, but wondered if anyone else might have noticed that soft smile which would sometimes grace her face when she thought no-one else was looking. And if I dared say nothing, still less could I let myself speculate on the origin of that smile. Natsuki saved me by finishing her thoughts.

"It didn't make me happy," she answered. "And complimented? I don't want this from him. I—" She stopped as a realization seemed to click into place. "You never asked how I answered him."

"If you would rather not tell me, Natsuki, I'm not going to ask, but if you do want to..."

And how I hoped she wanted to tell me, and that her answer would be what I wished, and the opposite of what I wished she would give me someday.

"I turned him down," Natsuki replied. A shadow of relief crossed her face. Did this merely come from being able to say this out loud, or did something on my face—I know there had to be some reaction there—bring solace to her? It was my turn to respond, and to save pondering these questions until later.

"And you're wondering if you did the right thing?" I asked.

Natsuki nodded. "I didn't want to be cruel anymore, but dating him... That just doesn't appeal to me."

"Then you were right to turn him down," I replied. It was easy to support Natsuki's choice, especially when that was what I wished her to do as well. On sober consideration, I think it was right in a more objective light as well. "You can always second guess yourself until you're unsure of anything," I elaborated. "Do you want to talk about how you feel about him?"

I hoped this might bring some sharing from Natsuki, but even if it didn't, I was here supporting her, and I found that of material help to myself.

"He's a guy," was Natsuki's simple, flat response.

I think the answer surprised her, possibly more than me. She answered quickly enough that I feel this was her first reaction, yet the way she said it made it almost seem complete. I know such an answer would have been sufficient for me, given my orientation, but I was hesitant to firmly affix such to Natsuki as well.

Natsuki continued, trying to sort out her self-understanding as she explained things to me. "I don't know. I guess I'm not interested in spending time with some leering guy who just thinks I'm good looking."

"Yet you specifically asked to have lunch with a leering girl who thinks you're good looking."

Again my mouth ran on ahead of my thoughts. But before I had time to wonder if I offended Natsuki, or whether it would have been better judgment on my part to not bring up myself and my feelings for her, she countered... strongly.

"But you're different!"

Surprise knocked any wondering out of my mind. I did not try to rebuild the mask I normally wore, and merely quietly, sincerely asked,

"Really?"

Natsuki nodded but said nothing in response.

Hope sprang up in my heart that she might actually mean what I so desperately wished but dared not ask. I was also too much of a coward, scared that Natsuki might give an answer that would put more distance between us rather than bring us closer the way I hoped. But a corner of my mind spoke to me, pointing out that Natsuki had not reacted with the outrage I would have expected this teasing statement to elicit. Rather, it almost felt like she was defending me ...even against myself. I wonder if this confusion showed on my face. Maybe that prompted Natsuki to volunteer this explanation.

"You've always been there and cared for me," she said. "I don't feel you're trying to take something from me or..."

Natsuki paused, and I held my peace, giving her time to find words she seemed to be looking for. And if I could give her time rather than pressure...

"Have you ever been attracted to a guy?" she continued. "What's it like?"

I stared at Natsuki in mute surprise. Of all the possible ways I was imagining that she might have continued her explanation, this question was nothing even close. I also had not expected the implication that she had never been so attracted. As my brain finished realizing this, I felt my smile soften and grow. It was genuine happiness, and I wished to share it with her.

"No, I'm sorry. I never have, Natsuki. I can play the part at times when it's required, but I never really have. Women..."

I bowed my head and grasped my teacup, hoping this porcelain filled with warm normalcy could help me be good to Natsuki as well as honest.

"Women, yes. I..."

I decided it was safer to be a little less concrete. Fully stating my feelings for Natsuki in detail now might be a bit more than she wanted—and wasn't really needed for my explanation. Anyway, this talk should focus on Natsuki's needs, not mine.

"Women are lovely. There are some I just feel attracted to: I also want to hold and hug them, and yes, more. ...Men? Some might be interesting to talk to as friends, but that's about it."

"I see." Natsuki nodded. "I understand what you're saying about men. I've had few enough friends as it is, but I see."

It looked like she really did understand. I noticed that Natsuki spoke only about men, and the back of my head said, _pay attention._ Did she say nothing about women because they meant nothing to her, or could it possibly be because they meant more and she didn't want to talk about that ...yet. I hoped that "yet" was there, as that was the direction my dreams for her—for us—lay. But I would not assume; I would accept Natsuki as she was. I felt it far better to cherish her friendship than chance destroying it through a mistaken assumption. Natsuki's expression asked me to say more, to hold up my side of the conversation and not loose myself in my own musings.

So I replied, "I suppose I may not be the right person to ask about love. After all, no-one would say that I've had a `normal' experience with it."

"You've always been much better than just _normal_," countered Natsuki with a smile that implied a deeper meaning than usual. She then changed the subject back, "But how should I act toward Yamakura the next time I see him?"

I guess I am not the only one who will shy away from topics which might become ...uncomfortable.

I thought for a moment. Natsuki deserved an answer with real consideration behind it. "You don't have to be quite as forceful with everyone as with Takeda-han," I began.

Natsuki sniffed cutely in disdain at this. My guess is that she actually had a low enough opinion of men to believe they might all need such a vigorous rejection. I remembered seeing Takeda looking a bit tattered after a couple of those rejections, in spite of his skill as captain of the kendo club. Natsuki is certainly capable.

I grinned at the memory and continued, "...at least initially. Had Yamakura-han asked me, I would probably act like he had only given me a complement. `You're beautiful' is a rather nice one." I decided not to tell her that he was definitely right about her beauty, regardless of whatever else he might have said. "Since you've already turned him down, that question is answered and you can go on is if it wasn't asked. In your case, being a bit curt would be completely normal. I would need to remain polite, but maybe a little distant. Does that help?"

"Yes. Thanks Shizuru." Then the gratitude in her voice gained an edge of something I could almost call panic. "But what if he asks again? Or what if someone else does?"

"Then you can turn him down again, Natsuki," I replied. "That is, unless you decide you don't want to do that."

I saw a flash of rejection pass across Natsuki's face at the mere suggestion that she might accept such an invitation, and it made my heart rejoice.

"And if they keep asking, I can get more forceful?" Natsuki asked.

"Yes," I replied with another grin.

Natsuki grew one in response. I figure she was debating whether or not the permission to be "more forceful" balanced out being asked again.

We broke into shared laughter. It was the perfect way to finish a lunch together.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Here we get to see Natsuki interacting with Shizuru again. Some of you commented on Natsuki's absence last chapter, missing her. I think Shizuru missed her as well. Hopefully you have enjoyed the return of her company. I know Shizuru did.

Thank you all for continuing to read **Rebirth of Love** and share your thoughts with me. My muse thanks you as well. We both look forward to what you will have to say on this chapter.


	15. Chapter 15: Counsel of Trees and Wind

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 15**

**Counsel of Trees and Wind**

* * *

_In unfamiliar dwellings  
Is loneliness and sorrow  
— Sōgi  
Now is not the time  
to be thinking of yourself  
As one all alone.  
— Shōhaku  
Did you not know beforehand  
That all things must fade away?  
— Sōchō_

—_Three Poets at Minase_

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On the way back from lunch, I passed Nakamura-sensei in the hall. He gave me a look that said he remembered our conversation and that he expected me to be working on an answer to his request, and—I'm sure he also hoped—working on an application to Kyoto University. So I took a page out of Natsuki's book and kept walking past my home room, ditching class for once. I headed out through the gardens to the more secluded woods behind the school, hoping the surrounding nature there would help clear my head so I could make the decision Nakamura-sensei was expecting of me. I grinned, realizing that if anyone called me on my truancy, I had the ready response that I was merely doing that which Nakamura-sensei had instructed me to do. Thankfully, today was unseasonably warm so I didn't need to grab jacket or scarf (which were inconveniently still in the classroom and impossible to get without raising questions).

I found the company of the trees calming, or maybe our conversation over lunch had spoken tranquility to my subconscious. Regardless, I was able to calmly consider my path beyond graduation. Last night's research had given me sufficient data: now I had to do the hard part of using that to make and justify a decision.

So, I thought, Nakamura-sensei aside, why would I go elsewhere than Fuuka. I had narrowed the alternatives down to ones in Kyoto. There I could be nearer my parents, whose company I do enjoy. The universities in Kyoto definitely had better reputations than Fuuka, but I believe I could get a good education either place. While Fuuka lacked their prestige, perhaps this was one case where I might rely on the Fujino name to open the door to a job if I didn't have a Kyoto University diploma to do so. So university reputation alone was not a compelling reason.

In spite of the positive reasons to go to a more prestigious university in Kyoto (or elsewhere), that still felt like I was not running _to_ something there, but rather _from_ something here in Fuuka. Running away has never felt good to me. I finally realized that what I really was trying to run away from was myself. Kyoto would not be far enough to run; not even an American university, nor even—were it possible—the stars would be far enough to be able to run from myself. That was patently impossible: I would always be there.

Why else might I need to run from Fuuka? Since I had made peace with the other HiME after the Carnival (many at Mai's Christmas party) that wasn't a reason to leave. We had even forgiven each other—for the most part. And Natsuki? I certainly didn't want to leave her, but more strongly than that, I wanted to bring her no ill fortune or unhappiness. I was still afraid of what I might do, of what I might become. But was it the right thing to spend the rest of my life running from that, trying to bury that insane part of myself, never becoming close to Natsuki, or anyone like her, since I might possibly hurt them and myself.

Yes, I had to admit the possibility always existed that I could do something bad, become something I did not wish. But the future is filled with uncertainty. Could I trust myself to fight that inclination? No, that was not the question. We are always worst at judging ourselves on matters of deep importance. The real question was could Natsuki trust me? For if she could not, then there was no point in staying here.

I stopped walking and leaned back against one of the ancient cedars, looked up at the sun filtering through the branches of its neighbors, and tried again to clear my mind.

Into that cool stillness flowed one thought: what was lunch today if not a demonstration that Natsuki trusted me—trusted me with some of her most private thoughts and worries. That thought opened another memory, for it was only here that I realized something I'd noticed earlier: during our entire lunch, Natsuki never touched the mayonnaise in hers. She always included some with her lunch, and it often seemed to be the part she enjoyed most. The contents of her lunch today were nothing out of the ordinary for her, yet she had not eaten what was usually her favorite part. Why? It seemed that our conversation then—and also I myself—were quite important to her, too.

A breeze rustled the branches, shaking loose another thought: were all the times Natsuki and I spent together since the Carnival worth nothing? What of the relationship we had rebuilt, slowly, with shared moments and little bits of trust exchanged? This was as close, if not closer in many ways, than my infatuation with—nay lust for—her in years past, and it felt far more fulfilling. I need not try to see the full future, merely where I should take my next step. I knew who I wanted to help me find my way, and if at all possible, walk with me.

With that, I looked back down at the path in front of me. The answer was now obvious: I would go to Fuuka University. This was not the easy answer—in fact, some parts were decidedly _not_ easy—but it was the right answer. I would not run away, either from others or myself. I would not run away from the one I love like Sae did for a while in _Orange Days_. Rather, I would stay here and work to become a better person ...the better person that Natsuki seems to believe that I am. I would stay, and strive, and hope ...hope things would end equally well for me ...and for us. I found it no longer completely beyond hope that Natsuki and I might someday see each other off, sharing best wishes the way Sae and Kai did at the end of the show.

Nakamura-sensei would accept my decision to go to Fuuka. He would have no other choice.

The wind which had shaken the branches and also shaken loose my resolution reminded me that this still was winter, and not the season to be wandering long outside without scarf or jacket. I had found the decision I sought in these woods, so I turned and walked back toward the school building. After a few steps I stopped, turned back, and bowed briefly in thanks to the forest and the wind for the help they had given.

.

Apparently I had been walking and pondering for longer than I realized, for an entire period had passed while I was in the woods. I met Yukino in the hall. She was taking advantage of the break to run a quick errand for the Student Council.

"Kikukawa-han, thank you again for giving us the loan of your Student Council room," I told her.

"You're quite welcome." She smiled back. "Natsuki thanked me with almost exactly those words. It seems that you're rubbing off on her."

I bowed in thanks, and we each continued on our way.

Yukino's words left me with a warm feeling for the rest of the day. If I needed a sign that I had chosen correctly to go to Fuuka University, this would do well enough. It certainly would give me the fortitude to face whatever disapprobation I might receive from Nakamura-sensei when I told him.

I think my neighborhood shrine might receive another visit on my way home this evening.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Thank you for continuing to read **Rebirth of Love** and for sharing your thoughts and reactions with my muse and me. We both quite appreciate it and hope this story brings you some degree of enjoyment in return. We also look forward to hearing from you about this chapter.

Here we see Shizuru deciding to _not_ leave Natsuki (as some may have feared a couple chapters ago), even if it is not the "easier" path compared with running away. Yes, Shizuru, we agree that running would have ended more painfully, as befits the cowards way out. Good luck with your endeavor.

.

I was sorely tempted to use the following as the epigraph for this chapter, but I decided that Shizuru would stick to Japanese literature, and not quote an American poet at the beginning of this chapter.

.

_I shall be telling this with a sigh  
Somewhere ages and ages hence:  
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—  
I took the one less traveled by,  
And that has made all the difference_

_—Robert Frost_

The idea of Shizuru using the woods behind the school to help clear and make up her mind came to me long before this verse ever did, though I have known it since childhood. It seems too appropriate to consign to the rubbish bin, even if I think Shizuru would not pick it as an epigraph, so I share it with you here.


	16. Chapter 16: Pain Shared and Eased

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 16**

**Pain Shared and Eased**

* * *

_To what god of sky and earth  
Should I pray  
To once more see  
My mother dear,  
who is a thousand leagues away?_

_—Ōtomobe-no-Mayosa Manyoushuu #4392_

.

The weather outside was unusually warm for this February day, as though it wished to match the warmth in my heart which Natsuki brought.

She and I were once more seated in our habitual spots across from each other, sharing space studying at my table. She was working on her Mathematics homework, while I was reading and taking notes on _Essays in Idleness_ for my independent study in Japanese Literature. I probably could have gotten away without doing this project, and likely would have were it not for the deep enjoyment these times studying together with Natsuki brought. While I might have been content to simply sit and gaze at her, I knew that would have made her uncomfortable, and to be truthful, I find working together here, even if not on precisely the same task, immensely rewarding: enough to overcome my natural laziness.

Since we both were here to study, I brought my attention back to my book and continued reading:

_"The most precious thing in life is its uncertainty. Consider living creatures—none lives so long as man. The May fly waits not for the evening, the summer cicada knows neither spring nor autumn. What a wonderful unhurried feeling it is to live even a single year in perfect serenity!"_

Looking up at Natsuki, her expression seemed to indicate that she was neither feeling this serenity nor finding uncertainty precious. She had actually seemed more unsettled and contemplative of late, and especially so today. I deeply hoped that I was not the cause of her unhappiness; it concerns me to see her so, regardless of the cause.

My rational mind told me that I was not the problem: Natsuki continued to come over for these treasured (at least by me) study sessions together. She always gave me a friendly greeting on arriving, and when I returned the smile, her eyes hinted at at what I sincerely hoped I could call happiness—for I know that is what she brought me. I hoped that she might also also enjoy the wonderful unhurried feeling of serenity that our study sessions brought me. She may well, for several times Natsuki has arrived with her brow wrinkled in stress and her attitude withdrawn to avoid snapping at me, yet even on those days she leaves relaxed and happier, smiling and laughing.

But I worried for my ...friend, so I ventured to offer more than quiet company.

"Natsuki, I don't mean to pry but..." I hesitantly began, and looked into her lovely, green eyes, now gazing back at me. "It seems like there might be something bothering you, and I... I'd like to... Could I... Is this something where talking might help?" It seems my insecurity had trumped my eloquence. I dropped my gaze to my lap where my hands now tightly clasped each other and quietly concluded, "You really helped me by listening to me talk things over, and if I could..."

"Shizuru." Natsuki's voice brought my gaze back to her face. "You're right, there is something bothering me." Something must have shown on my face—perhaps I do trust Natsuki enough to discard my mask around her—for she continued, answering my unspoken fear, "Don't worry, it doesn't have anything to do with you." She tilted her head pensively. "Maybe talking would help. I don't know."

"If you want to talk, Natsuki, I would be more than happy to listen to whatever your lovely voice has to say."

Why did I throw that last adjective in? She might consider it teasing, but in spite of that, it was most certainly true. It did bring a blush to her face, but that seemed to merely be a side effect she seemed to ignore while concentrating on my willingness to listen.

"OK," she answered. "It may not help, but it's annoying feeling like this. So if you're willing to try..."

"For you? Of course," I answered with a full smile, glad to be able to do something for Natsuki, and even more glad that she seemed to accept my offer without hesitation.

Natsuki raised an eyebrow at my qualifier.

I do not know if there is anything Natsuki might ask of me to which that would not be my answer. For others, such is definitely not the case.

She gestured to her books and said, "I do need to finish off some of this today, but..." She glanced at the clock. "Since it's that time, how about taking a break and talking over lunch? Since you're trying to help, my treat."

"I'd love that."

My heart leapt and my eyes must have shown with joy at Natsuki's simple trust and acceptance of my offer. That meant far, _far_ more to me than her buying the meal. I resisted the urge to act the love-struck girl and gleefully thank her for taking me on a date. Yes, I might think of it as such, but in truth it was time with Natsuki and even more so helping her which brought me joy, not whatever name might be placed on the event.

So I simply suggested, "Shall we go to Otome again? It seems we're developing a tradition there."

Natsuki nodded. "We seem to. That's fine."

My heart soared again. I truly hoped I could give Natsuki as much help as she was giving me happiness.

ooo OOO ooo

We found "our" table in the corner at Otome unoccupied, and sat down there, grateful for the slight illusion of privacy it offered. Both of us were hungry and thought sesame as well as a little spice sounded good, so we ordered the _tantanmen_.

I felt I should take the first step to help and prompt Natsuki. "I'm here to listen to whatever you want to talk about," I said. "I know how much you helped me with the troubles I was still carrying from my time as a HiME." At this, her expression twisted between sorrow and anger, so I continued, "I didn't mean to bring up painful memories, but if I can do anything..."

I didn't want to start this by hurting Natsuki. I wanted to help her, but it looks like I did the opposite. I was starting to feel bad about bringing her this pain when Natsuki shook her head and responded, "Don't worry. This isn't your fault. Yes, it is about the HiME... and also about my mother." She seemed to gather her courage and continued, "I don't know how much you know about her, but... I think I should tell you. I've never told anyone else, but maybe telling someone can help. Maybe I should have told you long ago."

"Don't worry about not telling me earlier," I replied. "I'd like to help, and if listening can help, I will listen with all my heart."

Natsuki took a bite of her noodles, then looked back up into my eyes. It seemed as if she were trying to gather courage from them. I hoped she could, and that she also found there the acceptance, and support, and love that I wished to give her. She took a deep breath and began:

"When I was little, mother worked at a lab in Mihoshi. I suppose you know it was run by the First District investigating HiME and their potential with higher order matter."

I nodded in agreement.

"Mother's research was directly involved with that, but I've never found exactly what she discovered in her research. I couldn't find any more data there when we went back that night." Natsuki blushed at that memory.

I remember being there at the conclusion of that trip. Sugiura-sensei, Sagisawa-sensei, Reito, and I drove out to find what had happened to Natsuki, Mai and Mikoto after the beach party. We found the three at that pull-off, with Natsuki in a bikini, hitchhiking with a _very_ sexy pose. A smile of memory crept onto my face. I also remembered how embarrassed Natsuki had been by that and decided it was safer not to bring that topic up now, so I simply waited for Natsuki to continue, which she did.

"Toward the end of her work at that lab, mother seemed to be worried about something but wouldn't tell me what. I think it was something she discovered about HiME. Then—that night—she took me and my dog Duran out in the car. I'd never seen her drive that fast before, or grip the wheel that tightly. I think we were being chased, but I'm not sure. It was a decade ago, and a lot of my memories from then are a bit fuzzy. Anyway, dodging someone at that pull-off by the ocean she drove off the road there and crashed into the waters below. I woke up days later in the hospital. Mother was dead; so was Duran."

A tear coursed down Natsuki's cheek, then another and another. My heart clenched in sympathy, and I reached out a comforting hand and placed it on Natsuki's.

"I heard later that mother had sold me to the Searrs Foundation, and was going to deliver me that night. I think they wanted those with HiME potential for their experiments, and I guess mother found out I had it and wanted the money." Tears now poured down Natsuki's cheeks. "Mother, why would you sell me?" she begged.

I gave Natsuki's hand under mine a gentle squeeze, hoping to convey love, caring, and support. I used my other to take out my handkerchief and daub at Natsuki's tears. I thanked the good fortune that had me keep my handkerchief in my right pocket and use my left hand to comfort Natsuki.

_Is this the first time I've seen Natsuki cry?_ I wondered. I felt honored that she was comfortable enough around me to reveal this inner, deep pain. I would do _anything_ to help and support her, to ease her pain. But what? I knew that wholesale slaughter was surely the wrong answer this time. It likely was before as well, and I was grateful for the stability her trust gave me now, which helped me see and understand that.

We both lost ourselves in our thoughts for a bit, but my compulsion to help moved me to speak.

"Are you sure your mother was selling you?" I asked. "How did you find that out?"

Natsuki grasped my hand holding hers, and the strength of her grip made me think she was pulling courage from me. If I could give her the courage to overcome her pain this way, I would not mind if she crushed my hand to a pulp. _Natsuki, whatever I may have that can help, it is yours. Please take it,_ I whispered to her in my mind.

She took my handkerchief with one hand and finished drying her tears while never letting go of mine with the other. Her lack of makeup meant she need not worry about messing it up, and her beauty never suffered from its lack.

As Natsuki tried to collect herself, I hoped she realized I was here for her, and deeply cared for her, no matter what her mother might have thought. _Natsuki, you are not alone,_ I silently told her, hoping she would accept my feelings and my help.

Natsuki returned my handkerchief, took a sip of her tea, and began, haltingly, to tell of her conversation that day in the rain with John Smith. He told her that her mother had sold her to Searrs. Her investigations since her mother's death had revealed a money trail that could well support this conclusion.

I listened with all my heart as she told me this—and much more about her mother and childhood, things she had never told anyone before. I knew—or had guessed—some of of what she told me, but her words filled in the gaps, confirmed some of my guesses and disproved others. While she was telling me this, Natsuki never once let go of my hand. During the more difficult parts I felt her grip tighten.

When she finished, Natsuki looked at me, her eyes green and clear, wondering what I thought—of these events, of her mother, ...of her. I heard her silent plea for whatever help my thoughts might contribute.

"I see," I told her. For now I did see more clearly what trials had shaped this wonderful woman. But she wanted more than just my listening. I could see she hoped I might help her solve this conundrum of her feelings. So I ventured, "It seems you're most concerned about how your mother felt about you."

She nodded, seeming impressed as well as grateful for my ability to understand the parts she had not said out loud.

"I can't know what your mother was really thinking," I continued, "but I would guess that toward the end, it was _for you_ that she was worried. I see that she loved you very much and wanted to somehow make sure you were safe. I think she was worried about both the First District and Searrs Foundation. Perhaps the transaction Mr. Smith mentioned was an effort to try to buy some time to get you to a place of safety. After what you've told me of her, I can't imagine that she would want her daughter to be experimented on. Also, we both know the terrible price of being a HiME, and if she discovered any of that, she would want to protect you from that as well."

"I know..." I took a breath and this time drew some strength from Natsuki. "I _know_ that we do not think as clearly when someone we love is threatened." I was grateful to see understanding in her eyes, thankful I need not speak more of my obsessive madness back then. She also knew that I spoke with the authority of painful, personal experience. I concluded, "Your mother must have felt the same: she loved you and faced a terrible dilemma."

I saw a glimmer of hope appear in Natsuki's eyes, then dim, for she too knows well that hope oft deceives. "But John Smith said I was being sold to Searrs as a research sample," she explained.

"Natsuki, did you ever consider if Mr. Smith was telling you the whole truth, or why he told you the way he did? He likely had more motives than those he told you. For that matter, was your mother completely truthful with him either?"

Natsuki shook her head in answer. It seemed these questions had not occurred to her before. And certain answers to them might alter the conclusions about her mother which brought her pain.

"Remember that the Searrs Foundation manipulated the HiME Festival for their own ends," I told her, "though exactly what those ends were is still a bit vague. I think that Mr. Smith was still trying to manipulate you with that information, probably for more than just finding Miyu's location."

One of the demons deep in my mind roused, rearing its head and saying I should have killed John Smith as well. It was true: he had definitely caused Natsuki pain and distress, more than many others, and so he deserved to die. Yet he had evaded my blade back then. The demon bared its teeth, lusting for blood, and the flames of vengeance burned hot in its eyes.

I closed my own eyes to fight down this demon. Thankfully, Natsuki's hand still held mine, and I was able to draw calm and strength from her somehow. Thus, with Natsuki's help, I was able to drive this demon back into his dungeon and bolt the door for now.

"Maybe you're right."

Natsuki's voice brought me back from these mental battles to the reality of helping and eating with her. I opened my eyes and watched her face grow thoughtful. Maybe she really was considering what I said. Maybe she also understood some of the inner battle I was facing.

"Shizuru," Natsuki said, "I keep telling you not to worry about what happened during the Festival. We were all manipulated back then, so we shouldn't try to take other's guilt for our own."

I smiled faintly and tried to take her advice. "Natsuki, maybe I should tell you the same thing."

Natsuki paused. "Maybe I should let you." She took a breath and slowly let it out. "I'll try to listen."

I squeezed her hand. "Please," I quietly asked. "Let's try together."

Natsuki nodded, returning a wan smile. "I should try to focus on what you said. The important thing is that that mother did love me. Sakomizu-sensei also told me that she did. And if that's true, maybe the rest doesn't really matter."

I nodded. "Yes, I think love really is the important part."

I felt my cheeks heat as I realized how Natsuki might interpret this. While my love for her was certainly important to me, what I meant to get across to Natsuki was that her mother's love was what mattered. I was relieved to see that she seemed to only be thinking about her mother's love, or if she thought of more, she did not find those other thoughts bothersome.

Natsuki nodded in agreement, and the shadows of pain began slowly to fade from her face.

My own expression must have brightened similarly, as I felt my eyes widen into a smile as I watched this.

Once more we had used a meal here to ease sharing painful memories. This time they had been more Natsuki's than mine, but the meal seemed just as effective. Once more, this sharing had helped. It looked like Natsuki felt better, and I certainly did. Was it this restaurant and the food, or was it the sharing? The back of my head said that the restaurant was only a minor component that maybe eased the sharing, and it was the sharing of our burdens of fear which eased our pain. The reasons why didn't really matter, as long as Natsuki felt better.

We finished our lunch together. Apparently Natsuki's worries didn't affect either of our appetites—at least now that their burden was shared—as we both ate everything in our bowls.

Natsuki was good to her word, walking up to the register and paying for both our lunches.

"Thank you," I quietly told her as we left. I think she understood that I meant this for far more than just buying my meal.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
The _tantanmen_ Shizuru and Natsuki ordered is described as a "full-bodied sesame flavored soba" on the menu at Otome (and is one of their mid-priced entrees). It is the Japanese version of dandan noodles, and includes ground pork in the creamy, slightly spicy sesame-based broth over the noodles. It's a tasty, filling dish, which Otome makes well.

.

The passage that Shizuru quotes during the chapter is passage #7 of _Essays in Idleness_. She has selected epigraphs from this work for other chapters as well. Perhaps the project she is doing on it brought more of that work to her mind while writing this.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Way back in chapter 4, Natsuki helped Shizuru over lunch at Otome. This time it's Shizuru's chance to return the favor. Once again, this sharing of thoughts and food was good for both of them. They have another moment in common and bit of trust exchanged: something Natsuki has never before trusted anyone else enough to share.

I hope you enjoyed it as well.

I'm intrigued that other authors often write from Natsuki's point of view. I find Shizuru's much easier. As I said in chapter 1, I find it a little bit frightening to see how similar her brain is to mine, and how easily her voice flows through my pen.

Thank you all for staying with us on this not-so-short journey with Shizuru and Natsuki. My muse and I thank you for reading and reviewing. We look forward to hearing your thoughts and reactions.


	17. Chapter 17: Seaside Sunset

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 17**

**Seaside Sunset**

* * *

_Will you not one day  
do as I am doing now,  
you who have come here  
far along the white wave paths  
as another ventures forth?_

_—Ki no Tsurayuki, Tosa Nikki_

.

We returned to my my apartment and the table with our books. Natsuki seemed to approach her homework with new-found vigor. Had our lunch helped her that way too? I hoped so. Kenkō's observations on life continued to absorb me. He wrote:

_The pleasantest of all diversions is to sit alone under the lamp, a book spread out before you, and to make friends with people of a distant past you have never known._

He was only half right here. Reading like this was definitely pleasant, but I now knew that doing so alone was not the most pleasant way. Then again, Kenkō probably never had the experience of reading together with Natsuki to keep him company. Poor fellow.

I probably remember enough of Kenkō's words to get by without re-reading his whole book for my project—not to mention that I didn't really need to do the project anyway. But if my sitting here, reading, could help Natsuki study, I would read endless volumes. These times of ours together here had become the best parts of my week.

I thought back to our lunch conversation and then Natsuki's behavior this year. It seemed she was lowering the thick walls of ice she kept between herself and the world, or perhaps she was just letting me inside them. Why? Could it be that the show we watched at New Year's had also nudged her into thinking about these things. Had it also prompted her to re-evaluate the interrelationship among independence, support and love? Could she ...could _we_ come to as satisfying an answer as did Kai and Sae? We didn't have a helpful screenwriter to conveniently arrange things for us.

.

The afternoon sun slowly crept across our table. Natsuki by now had finished her math and was reading her history text. My glance strayed to the customary tea I had made for us. My cup was growing cool and Natsuki had drunk most of hers. Making more was something I could do for both of us, so I stood up to do so.

Natsuki closed her book and looked up. "Shizuru," she asked, "would you like to go for a ride this afternoon?"

"Of course."

How could I answer otherwise?

My happiness at being asked shown forth in a smile, but I think I kept my surprise to myself. Natsuki had given me a ride on her bike several times before, but this was the first time she suggested a ride without mention of any particular destination. Of course I was happy to ride with her anywhere, but it did make me wonder a little. Did Natsuki have a specific route in mind that she didn't mention, or was she thinking of a rambling ride where the company was more important than the places visited. I would enjoy both, but the full skirt I was wearing would not work so well on either type of journey.

"Let me change into something more suitable," I added, gesturing to my skirt.

Natsuki nodded, understanding, and I felt her eyes follow me as I headed back to the bedroom. I wouldn't have minded changing—or even stripping—in front of her, but I somehow felt now was not the time to tease an embarrassed blush out of her. So I closed the bedroom door before slipping out of my skirt and into a pair of jeans. My blouse went with both skirt and jeans, and was also suitable behind Natsuki on her motorcycle, so I kept that.

I returned to find that Natsuki had straightened up the table and was just putting away the tea service after washing it. I hadn't even hinted at that, much less asked.

_Thank you, Natsuki!_

"You ready?" she asked me.

I nodded in agreement, once more letting my happiness come out in a smile for her.

I locked the door behind us and we descended the stairs. She offered me a second helmet which I put on while she wheeled her bike out of its parking spot. After she mounted the bike, I got on behind her.

"Hold on tight," Natsuki told me, which I happily did.

She waited until I had a secure grip before heading out.

A contented smile spread across my face as I clung tightly to my dear Natsuki. I thought how happy I was to be here. Riding with Natsuki, I could hold her close without any fear, either of scaring her or of letting myself go too far. Was that because I had Natsuki's permission here? Was it because Natsuki was in control on her motorcycle? I decided the reason didn't matter as much as the reality of Natsuki's presence. I relaxed, content to simply hold Natsuki close and let the road go zooming by.

Natsuki drove us through town, pulled into the shopping district and stopped. We got off, and she explained, "I need to pick up something here," and headed into a florist shop.

I followed, curious as to her purpose, but made no comment when Natsuki simply bought a bouquet of white lilies and returned to her bike. She stowed it in the cargo pod whence she had taken my helmet and we both got back on.

We rode off, toward the edge of town. I still held on tightly to Natsuki, as her request and my desire both urged me to, but I spared some thought from simply enjoying the feel of her in my arms to ponder where we might be heading.

I recognized the seaside road we were heading down as the one to Mihoshi. On this road was _that_ pull-off: the one where Nao ambushed Natsuki, where she lost her beloved Ducatti, where I revealed myself as a HiME, and where the full flower of my monstrous insanity burst into flame. What could she mean there? I froze in terror at the question. Then tried to calm myself thinking of other, safer things that had happened there. Natsuki hitchhiking in a bikini was very effective, though I wondered how appropriate, especially as I was clinging to her now. I shifted, as if I were relieving cramp, and so hoped to disguise my inner torment from her. I continued trying to convince myself not to worry, futilely.

.

Natsuki did indeed stop at the now-somewhat-abbreviated pull-off over the ocean. I dismounted and saw they had installed a new guardrail along the edge I had sliced off to send Nao plummeting to the rocks and waves below. Thankfully I had not killed Nao then, though the monster of my possessive rage would not have cared, and quite likely was actually trying to. My mind brushed across the sharp edges of what I had done to Natsuki after those events. Can a mind bleed from cutting itself on memory? I do not know, but none of my thoughts were in the least bit comfortable.

Natsuki didn't seem to notice my inner torment as she removed her helmet, then took up the lilies she bought from the cargo pod and walked over with them to the guardrail. She stared silently out over the waves rolling beneath the setting sun, then threw the bouquet into them, put her hands together, and bowed her head to pray.

I watched her standing there, the ocean breeze gently playing with the long locks of her hair across the curve of her neck and back. As I watched this beautiful scene, my mind finally began to un-clench from the terror of memory and brought thought together with thought. Our talk of Natsuki's mother and childhood over lunch was one piece. Also, Natsuki obviously came here for some purpose of her own, one that had enough meaning to commemorate with a gift of flowers and a prayer: perhaps to someone departed, though I knew of nobody who had died here while I was attending Fuuka. And more than that, Natsuki specifically asked me to come with her, to share in this private ...ritual of hers. That she would include me brought me both honor and joy.

She eventually raised her head and turned to me, her expression thoughtful yet still distant. Her thoughts seemed to return here on seeing me. I hoped something she saw might even have made her return pleasant.

"Thank you for bringing me here, Natsuki," I told her. "The sunset is beautiful, but it looks like you came here to do more than just watch the sun go down."

Simply watching her was reason enough for me to come.

"Yeah," she replied. Embarrassment crept onto her face, and she also seemed somehow more vulnerable. "I... I try to come here every year on this day, my mother's birthday. This is the cliff where she drove us off the road and died. I want her to know I still remember her and that I'm doing all right. And I... I wanted you to know too."

These last words were barely audible above the sound of the surf, but carried a sense of absolute conviction I rarely heard from Natsuki. I looked back at Natsuki. She was blushing, as she always did when embarrassed, but she looks beautiful that way.

As I thought about it, I realized that I was probably the first person Natsuki had told this to, and that this was the first time she had ever brought someone here to share this ritual of hers. I was stunned by the level of trust she showed, for Natsuki is normally a very private person. And the conviction I heard when she said she wanted me to know... She really did want to share this private part of her life with me.

"Thank you for sharing this with me," I told her, but I felt words inadequate for my gratitude. "It means a lot that you've told me this about your past and your mother: that you trust me enough to share this with me." Perhaps she would understand how much her sharing meant to me.

As I said this, I saw a look of gratitude pass across Natsuki's face. Perhaps she did understand. This was followed by doubt and finally resolve. I'm not sure anyone else knew her well enough to read her expressions like this. Still, I was stunned when she reached out, took my hand and led me back to the guardrail. I had no idea what she intended when she kept a hold of my hand and turned to the sea. As good and surprising as holding hands was, it was nothing compared to what she did next.

"Mother," Natsuki said to the sea, "This is Shizuru. I wish you could have met her. She's... she means more to me than anyone else in the world. She's kind, and caring, and beautiful, and... She helped me to see there is more to life than vengeance: there is friendship and trust and hope. She saved my life, and she... she... she loves me."

As Natsuki introduced me to her mother and told her of me, I turned to stare at Natsuki. She really was saying this! And she meant it. I returned the tight squeeze of her hand. My heart swelled with joy, and love, and hope: a hope I had ordered myself to abandon but which would not be suppressed and dwelt ever in the recesses of my heart, a hope which when denied had driven me mad, but also a hope that Natsuki was able to use to pull me up out of that abyss of madness and bring me healing. Natsuki blurred behind the tears welling up in my eyes, and by the time she turned back from the sea to face me, they were overflowing, running down, soaking my cheeks.

"Natsuki," I said. My heart was in my mouth and I put all of it into her name.

"Natsuki!" It was the most beautiful word I knew.

"Thank you, Natsuki."

No more words were spoken. None were needed.

Any eloquence I might have had was swamped by the tidal wave of hope and joy in my heart. And Natsuki was not good with words anyway.

We stood there, holding each other's hands, looking into each others eyes, and into each others souls. And all that I saw, I loved.

We stood like this, continuing to hold hands until the sun dropped below the horizon. It seemed that the gods in heaven painted an especially beautiful sunset just for the two of us.

"We probably should get back," I ventured once the sun finally disappeared.

"Yeah," Natsuki agreed, but she did not relinquish my hand until getting on her bike demanded it.

"Hold on tight," she told me once more after we had both mounted, before starting off.

I once again did as Natsuki said—and as my heart bid me do—and clung tightly to my beloved Natsuki, savoring her closeness, the feel of her in my arms, and the trust I felt for her. Natsuki would ensure we arrived back home, and safely. I need fear no speed nor darkening road; I need not even think of them. Natsuki would take care of that, and me. All I need do is follow her instruction, "Hold on tight."

.

Back at the apartment it was with great reluctance that I slowly let go of Natsuki and dismounted from her motorcycle. If she noticed that I kept a hand on her "for balance" while I did so, and only removed it with regret, leaving it there longer than was necessary, she gave no sign.

_Thank you for that as well, Natsuki._

While we stood outside the apartment next to Natsuki's motorcycle, quietly smiling at each other, I realized that since last fall this was becoming more than just a place to sleep and eat and study. As experiences and special times together with Natsuki happened here, this was gradually becoming a place described by that magical word, ...home.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Thank you again for continuing to read my (and Shizuru's) ramblings as well as sharing your thoughts and reactions to them.

I think this chapter explains why Natsuki was thinking—not to mention worried—about her mother in the previous one. Maybe that conversation over lunch gave her the courage to share this piece of her life with Shizuru as well. And the two of them have taken another step down the road that may well lead toward a kiss, though they have yet to make it to that point. At least they have some nice background scenery for this step.

My muse and I look forward to hearing what you think of Shizuru and Natsuki's continuing journey.

.

At the beginning of the chapter, Shizuru quotes passage #13 of _Essays in Idleness_. I really would like to read what Shizuru writes for the independent study project she's working on while studying together with Natsuki.

Perhaps she begins it quoting the passage Kenkō begins with, for I see that she might—at least in part—see her work on the project similarly, as the true purpose is simply to be with Natsuki. Here is that passage:

.

_What a strange, demented feeling it gives me when I realize I have spent whole days before this inkstone, with nothing better to do, jotting down at random whatever nonsensical thoughts have entered my head._

Then again, perhaps she would begin completely differently.

As I think about it, this whole story she tells here could be considered a distant successor of the literary diaries kept by ladies of the Heian court 300 years before Kenkō. While Shizuru doesn't doesn't quite mimic their literary style, she definitely follows their tendency toward introspection: recording her thoughts and emotions relating to events happening to and around her. Also, matters of the heart were a topic near and dear to the diarists of the Heian court.

.

Oh, and Shizuru, don't be so sure about that "helpful screenwriter."


	18. Chapter 18: Flower Language

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 18**

**Flower Language**

* * *

_Do not feign love.  
If you have no love for me,  
I shall never demand it,  
Even though I'm torn  
With longing for you._

_—Lady Nakatomi, Manyoushuu #579_

.

The next day I headed over to Fuuka University to check the posted examination results. Logic told me I had likely passed and was accepted, but of course my uncertainty lay ready and waiting to attack me.

I wonder whether my subconscious was trying to bring me peace or perplexity when it served up memories of yesterday along with one of Emperor Gotoba's poems. Regardless, I had to agree with him, wondering:

.

_Why did I ever suppose  
Evenings are best in autumn?_

Yes, he was right to contradict Sei Shōnagon and assert the primacy of spring evenings, and yesterday had brought me a much deeper understanding as well. For me it was not the misty mountain slopes by the Minase river which showed me the relative beauty of spring and autumn evenings. Rather it was the sun setting on that particular ocean shore, made special by very, _very_ wonderful Natsuki.

I was still trying to settle myself down from yesterday. Natsuki had eased one of my worries—tremendously. But this simultaneously made me worry more about my exam results, not because it changed my estimation of how I had done, but rather because the outcome had become dramatically more important to me. Were I accepted, I could stay here in Fuuka, _with Natsuki._

.

Thus it was that I walked toward the posted results with head and heart aflutter.

My uncertainty peaked as I arrived at the postings.

I found my number, and my uncertainty disappeared, bursting in a bubble of joy. I was accepted—I mean by the university, Natsuki's acceptance yesterday was still way more significant. This meant I would stay in Fuuka with Natsuki longer, at least until she graduated high school. And I very much looked forward to those times together.

The next time I saw Natsuki, I told her of my acceptance at Fuuka University. She wore a happy smile as she congratulated me. It seemed she was more than simply happy for a friend's success. It almost seemed this result was what she wanted herself, though perhaps not with her conscious mind. I wonder if this might have been the source of the hint of uncertainty (like it was for me) when she told me last week that she was sure I'd be accepted.

What exactly was it that made this extra time in Fuuka together with Natsuki so desirable, so important? And might it be so for her as well? Now that I think back on it, I realize that what she gave me here in Fuuka was calm acceptance and an ordinary life together. Though it was long ere I could be made to see how, with that, she answered a deep need of mine. For the time being, I simply enjoyed her companionship.

.

The next day was Valentine's Day, but neither Natsuki nor I did anything special for it, even given what had passed between us this past week. Neither of us felt quite ready for the concrete, romantic gesture of giving special chocolate, but what we felt was far too much for giving _giri-choco_, devoid of any special feeling. Leastwise, I certainly felt this way. This may also have been Natsuki's reason, though I also don't recall ever noticing her give out _giri-choco_ before. For that matter, the fact that we were both girls moved this out of traditional norms and left us free to do what we wished.

ooo OOO ooo

A couple weeks later, I returned home one evening to find a package waiting at my door. It bore no hint of contents or sender other than my name as well as prominent "Fragile" and "This Side Up" markings. I doubted that anyone would send me a mail bomb, so I brought it in and set it on the table. The weight and shape were about right to hold a bottle of wine, though the box was a bit larger than I would have used for that.

Opening the box revealed a vase holding three white azaleas. The sender and implications exploded on me as I read the enclosed note. There, a somewhat unskilled hand had written:

.

_Yes, I do mean this.  
Thank you.  
—Natsuki_

I had to grab onto a chair for support as my heart clenched, my legs turned to water, and the whole world blurred from the tears overflowing my eyes.

Natsuki did this for me! Did she really mean to send me this message? I hoped so—more than most any hope I have ever had. For in the Language of Flowers, white azaleas mean "I am fortunate to have your love." If Natsuki were to truly mean this, to feel this way, that would be ...wonderful beyond words.

Two weeks ago by the seaside, Natsuki had told her mother of my love for her, and the trust and acceptance that implied still buoyed my spirits. If she meant this, if she meant that my love was not merely something she accepted as a fact like rainy weather, but rather something she welcomed, that receiving made her happy... My heart raced, my head felt light, and the world swam before me in giddy waves of hope.

I left the table to literally dance about the apartment in ecstatic glee, calling out Natsuki's name.

I calmed myself after a bit. As overpoweringly joyful as this felt, it _was_ based on an assumption, or rather deductions based on Natsuki's note—the signature left me no doubt that it really was from her—and my assumption she knew and was using flower language. My great skill at self-doubt told me that Natsuki had not explicitly stated what I hoped, and that I should also not let hope turn a single straw into fields of rice ready to harvest.

But assumptions may be checked, and important ones should be. I could do so, and hoped my courage would be sufficient to allow me to. Natsuki was coming over tomorrow for our normal study-time together. I must trust her to care enough to try not to hurt me. I tried to tell myself not to fear the nightmare-castles my unhelpful imagination would build out of my fears of what her answer might be.

I tenderly put the vase of azaleas in the middle of the table, to give me hope and courage, but also simply to enjoy.

Uncertainty, fear, and hope combined to make my sleep that night ...unsettled.

ooo OOO ooo

I had mostly calmed down the next day when Natsuki arrived as usual for our study-time. Mostly, I say, as my insecurities were nipping at the edges of my consciousness with great vigor.

Natsuki set her bag down by her chair and glanced at the azaleas on the table.

I was almost too afraid to speak, but managed to get the words out. My heart was trembling and I am surprised my hand didn't as I gestured to the bouquet.

"Natsuki," I asked, "do you know the flower language? ...You do know what white azaleas mean in flower language?"

"Yes," she answered, "I know." Her calm smile simultaneously put my heart at ease and made it race. "I really am fortunate in having your love."

"Natsuki!" I cried.

Next thing I new, I was with Natsuki, lacking any memory of how I got there, enveloping her in a tight embrace, all of my usual decorum having fled to the far side of the planet.

Then my brain caught up with me, and I realized that this might not be the type of attention Natsuki wanted from me. My insecurities bared their teeth, showing my imagination the terrible rejection she might visit on me for this transgression. Not only might I have upset her, I had also most definitely broken the barriers I had set for myself.

I was preparing myself to accept whatever penance this misdeed of mine might warrant, when I felt Natsuki's arms close about me, returning my hug and banishing my fear.

I buried my face in her neck, and we continued to hold each other for a while. I have no idea what I might have said and doubt that Natsuki could have make any sense out of my tearful, joyful mumblings into her shoulder.

It was some time before I could speak coherently again. I think Natsuki might also have been overcome by the intensity of this moment. When we finally could talk, Natsuki and I loosened our embrace and looked each other in the face.

"Thank you, Natsuki." I sniffed, trying to clear my eyes. I worked a hand free momentarily to wipe the tears of joy from them. "Did you actually go look up the flower language just for this? ...just for me?"

"Yeah. I'm not good with words, so I thought this might be a way to say this that you would know."

Oh, yes. I do know! _And that you went to all this trouble to tell me this, means the world to me._ I tightened my hug of Natsuki, my hand long since having returned to her from its futile detour to wipe my eyes. _This means something very, very special to me indeed._

"Thank you, Shizuru. I really am glad that you love me, though it's only been in the past months that I've seen how important your love is to me. I... I don't know whether I can really love ...anyone," she continued, explaining. "I've spent so much of my life focused on revenge and denying anything like love... But... but I want to stay with you, and if... could you... can you have the patience to wait for me to see if I can love you... like... like you deserve."

I looked into her clear green eyes and saw acceptance, and a deep friendship, and something that told me to hope. The smile I gave Natsuki was full of happiness and gratitude and love—which I now knew she accepted. And _she asked to stay with me,_ and she said I deserved to be loved. That she would even try to return my love was... I needed to tell her.

"That's all right, Natsuki. What you've just given me is more than I ever hoped for... better than I ever deserved." My voice changed minutely, for I meant meant these next words as a sacred oath. "I will _always_ be here for you. I do love you. I will wait as long as you need, and if you do not find love like you say, I will still be happy to be your friend, ...very happy."

Natsuki's eyes showed she understood just how much I meant that. They also seemed to say that she knew the effort it would cost me to be patient, and that she appreciated that effort and promised to make an equal effort on her part.

I thought back to our first kiss in the ruined church at the end of the Carnival. I now realize that kiss, together with Natsuki's words to me, were what brought me back to sanity. Now I knew, beyond any doubt—for I would trust her words here as absolute truth—that Natsuki accepted me as I am, with all that I have done—done even to her—and with all my desires. Knowing Natsuki accepted me and my love, those desires no longer seemed quite so twisted.

I wiped away another stray, happy tear.

With this gift from Natsuki, I would be content. Even if a second kiss from her never came, I could be content. I could love Natsuki, and my love was accepted—no, more than that it was welcomed. ...I was welcomed.

I buried my face in Natsuki's beautiful, flowing hair again and let out a deep sigh of contentment and fulfillment.

Natsuki and I continued to hold each other tight.

I never wished to let go, and it seemed that Natsuki did not wish to either.

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
At the beginning of this chapter, Shizuru follows a millennium-old Japanese literary device in alluding to a piece from classical literature and trusting her audiences familiarity with that to augment the feeling and meaning of what she writes. This is a common enough device that the Japanese have two words for it, _honka-dori_ for allusions to older poems, and _honsetsu_ for allusions to prose. Shizuru elaborates a bit more on her reference than a classical Japanese author might, but that's also part of her.

I will follow the tradition of modern translators and critics and provide the full item to which Shizuru is alluding (as most of us lack her degree familiarity). Here is the poem by Emperor Gotoba that she refers to.

.

_When I gaze far off  
The mountain slopes are misty—  
Minase River:  
Why did I ever suppose  
Evenings are best in autumn?_

_—Emperor Gotoba, Shin Kokinshuu_

He is also using this same device. The last two lines refer to the opening passage of Sei Shōnagon's famous _Pillow Book_, where she states which times of day are most beautiful in which seasons.

.

_In spring it is the dawn that is most beautiful. As the light creeps over the hills, their outlines are dyed a faint red and wisps of purplish cloud trail over them._ _In summer the nights. Not only when the moon shines, but on dark nights too, as the fireflies flit to and fro, and even when it rains, how beautiful it is!_ _In autumn the evenings, when the glimmering sun sinks close to the edge of the hills and crows fly back to their nests in threes and fours and twos; more charming still is a file of wild geese, like specks in the distant sky. When the sun has set, one's heart is moved by the sound of the wind and the hum of the insects._ _In winter the early mornings. It is beautiful indeed when snow has fallen during the night, but splendid too when the ground is white with frost; or even when there is no snow or frost, but it is simply very cold and the attendants hurry from room to room stirring up the fires and bringing charcoal, how well this fits the season's mood! But as noon approaches and the cold wears off, no one bothers to keep the braziers alight, and soon nothing remains but a pile of white ashes._

I will resist the urge to continue commenting here on Japanese literature. (I wonder if perhaps such comments better belong in the Shizuru's independent study.) If you're interested in hearing (or talking about) this further, please ask.

.

The "_giri-choco_" (literally obligation chocolate) Shizuru mentions for Valentine's Day, is the less-expensive variety that Japanese women will give to co-workers or other men to whom they have social obligations, but no romantic connection—or interest. Men to whom they feel a romantic connection to (husbands, boyfriends, prospective boyfriends) will receive a higher quality—ideally home-made—_honmei choco_.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
In this chapter, Natsuki gave Shizuru the most explicit declaration of her intentions she has so far, and in a language Shizuru would understand. These left Shizuru giddy with joy, even if they weren't everything she hoped for. As she concluded, "With this... I could be content."

The part of me that sits back and analyzes stories wonders if it would have been better pacing to tell more of happenings in the couple weeks between Natsuki's declaration by the seaside and this one with flowers. Perhaps it would have been good to give you readers some time to savor the seaside scene—just as Shizuru did—before telling of Natsuki's use of flower language. On the other hand, I think that some of you have no objections to Shizuru and Natsuki coming together more quickly.

My muse is shrugging and holding up her hands as if to say, "Both ways can work." Though perhaps, given her expression, it's more likely, "What am I supposed to do with you?"

We both look forward to hearing what you think of this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on **Rebirth of Love**, not to mention continuing to read it. You keep our fires of creativity burning.


	19. Chapter 19: Graduation

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 19**

**Graduation**

* * *

_That is a road  
Which some day we all travel  
I had heard before  
Yet I never expected  
To take it so soon myself._

_—Ariwara no Narihira Tales of Ise_

.

Graduation day came to Fuuka, accompanied by the traditional clouds of cherry blossoms, friends, and relatives. Director Himeno gave an ordinary speech at the ceremony—though she did allude to the difficulties this past year. Director Kazahana had turned the reins of Fuuka over to her and would soon be going far away. I will admit to letting my attention wander and even nodding off for a bit during her speech, but I was not going to sneak out and run around the school.

Reflecting on my years here, I saw I had learned much—and not just in academics—but I also had done things that ...I was not proud of. At the root of my best and worst lay Natsuki. I wish I had never wronged her as I had. She says she has forgiven me—and I believe she truly has—but I need to convince _myself_ to accept her forgiveness. Still, I must say that Natsuki was also the best thing that has happened to me here. Yes, I still hoped for more, but I desperately tried not to be greedy; I truly do enjoy and treasure the friendship we have.

I also realized that my favorite poem had changed over this past winter. While still a good, traditional poem as one of "the hundred", Princess Shokushi's words to the "jeweled thread of life" no longer spoke to me so directly. I no longer needed to hide my love for Natsuki as she willingly accepted it, even though she did not return it ...yet, a quiet hope in my heart wanted to say.

I had not yet settled on a new favorite poem. My head and heart were still in enough turmoil that I was having a hard time deciding on one. Actually, turmoil was the wrong word, for Natsuki actually brought me a degree of inner peace that I was still learning to believe existed. Rather, that quiet hope bid me wait and not choose yet, as things might yet change.

Finally the graduation ceremony came to an end, and we all dispersed to find friends and relatives. I met my parents. They were proud of my graduation and class standing, and had decided to make no complaint over my decision to continue on to Fuuka University rather than attend one in Kyoto. We had discussed that briefly over dinner the previous evening. They soon determined that I had put careful thought into the decision process and judged I would get a good education here. That satisfied them, though Mother did put in the request I come back home to visit. That request was only reasonable, and I promised I would. I kept to myself just how I might like that visit to go. We agreed to meet for breakfast tomorrow, as they wanted to give me one last chance this afternoon and evening to spend time with those high-school friends who might be going elsewhere after this. So they headed off to see some of the local sights before returning to their hotel.

.

I headed off across the school grounds. My legs took me to the goal I only half-consciously realized—but which is obvious in hindsight. I found Natsuki. She was talking to Sakomizu-sensei as he worked in one of the school's flower beds.

"Your attendance has not been nearly good enough," he told her. "Without taking extra classes, you'll have to repeat your entire freshman year."

Natsuki was obviously flustered by this, and neither of them had noticed my quiet approach. When Sakomizu-sensei told Natsuki he couldn't "do something" so she wouldn't have to repeat the year, she became even more flustered and frustrated.

Her expressions were so cute, I couldn't resist. Well, teasing her was second-nature, especially when she wore an expression like she had now, and I doubt I could ever resist doing things to help her. So I stepped into view.

"Ah, repeating a year is nice," I said. I smiled and dropped my diploma on the ground, adding, "Maybe I shouldn't graduate."

"Shizuru!"

Natsuki's reaction was everything I hoped for, surprise, outrage, embarrassment, and totally cute.

I could tell this actually bothered Natsuki, so I quickly relented and picked my diploma back up. I had had my fun teasing Natsuki: it was time for me to do something more substantial. I turned toward Sakomizu-sensei.

"Sensei," I asked him, "is there anything other than attendance that is an issue for Kuga-han?"

"Um... no," he answered.

He had to answer so, for Natsuki is quite intelligent and her test scores reflect her intelligence, not her attendance (which I do agree had not been that regular). And by so answering, he had conceded a major point to me in the negotiation.

It was now my turn to exploit this advantage. This was for Natsuki, so I reached deep inside. Any strength or skill I might have, I will use for her—and this time it was to convince, not to kill. Inside I found the lineage of the Fujino and the poise I learned under grandmother's careful eye.

"Don't you think that Kuga-han's attendance record recently is acceptable, sensei?" I asked in return. "That is, of course, assuming her grades continue to be satisfactory."

My expression was calm as I asked, and my voice more so. It carried with it the tone of a pronouncement backed by the honor an ancient family of Kyoto, one who had long dwelt there, seeing Emperors and Shogun come and go, and it spoke of consequences should that honor be questioned.

"I will vouch for her grades and future improved attendance," I concluded, confident Natsuki would keep my word.

"Well, I guess so," Sakomizu-sensei replied, and I knew I had won.

He turned to Natsuki. "You will need to maintain good attendance and grades for the rest of your time in High School, but I think we can arrange for you not to have to take extra classes or repeat a year."

"Thank you sensei," I answered.

Natsuki also bowed in thanks and agreement.

Now was the time to be gracious and also avoid doing anything which could prompt him to think that he might have originally intended some other answer, for I did not wish him to change his mind.

Our continued presence might also prompt him to do that, so I turned to leave. Natsuki followed behind, looking somewhat unsettled, but also glad that she had somehow escaped having to repeat a year.

.

When we were well out of earshot, Natsuki turned to me.

"Shizuru, thank you but... you're still going to graduate, aren't you?"

"Yes, Natsuki, I'm still graduating," I answered to reassure her, then explained, "Your expressions there were so cute. I just couldn't resist."

A happy laugh bubbled up from my heart. I think that the concern in Natsuki's question brought me even more joy than her cute expression.

"Shizuru!"

Natsuki fumed in exasperation at my teasing. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she worked to sort out some conundrum, possibly involving myself. Could she have noticed that she was the only one I would tease like this. I had only realized that recently myself.

Some realization came to Natsuki. She stopped and blushed.

"Thank you," She said, quietly.

Natsuki was thanking me? I could see thoughts spinning behind her lovely green eyes and surmised they were no longer on attendance or my graduation. There was one way to find out.

"You're welcome, Natsuki," I replied. "But what are you thanking me for?"

She rewarded me with a smile.

Maybe she understood the surmise behind my question.

"I... I finally figured out why you tease me like you do. I won't thank you for the teasing, but," she blushed deeper and continued, her voice barely audible. "Thank you for the love behind it."

Natsuki's words were even more of a gift than her smile. I'm sure a tender, happy expression of thanks filled my face. I was touched that Natsuki understood this so clearly, and that she felt comfortable saying it out loud, too. _Thank you, Natsuki!_ Now that I thought about it, Natsuki saw this more clearly than I, as I had never realized the full truth of her words until she spoke them here.

I don't normally enjoy people being able to see through to my underlying motivations, especially before I am aware of them myself. But in this case with Natsuki, I found it felt good, _very_ good. I felt this was how things ought to be.

"You're welcome, Natsuki, and thank you for seeing that."

Natsuki smiled in answer, saying nothing. There was no need. She understood.

ooo OOO ooo

Mai was hosting a picnic for her friends this afternoon, so Natsuki and I headed over to the field she indicated. She had a couple blankets laid out on the grass there for us all to sit on.

We arrived to find Mikoto dropping out of a tree and laying claim to Mai while Mai tried to keep her from exposing herself. Mikoto is a good kid—for the most part—with a good heart, but she doesn't quite seem to understand societal norms of propriety.

Higurashi-han played her "normal girlfriend" role and covered Kurauchi-han's eyes to keep him from seeing anything Mikoto might expose. I don't know why she need bother, given their intense, monogamous relationship. Chie, on the other hand, was right there with her cell-phone camera, with her cohort in gossip, Aoi, right beside her, egging her on.

Mai caught a glimpse of something under Mikoto's shirt, and asked about it. Mikoto answered, proudly announced that she was wearing the bra Natsuki had given her.

"Really, I don't think she needs one just yet, but..." Natsuki commented.

She and I had discussed this gift before giving it to Mikoto. It felt good that Natsuki seemed to naturally want to talk things like this over with me, bringing me more into her life. We agreed that Mikoto didn't really need the support a bra provided, but if wearing one would make her feel and thus act more mature, that would be good ...for her as well as her friends. Whether we were right in predicting this outcome, we couldn't guess, but figured the odds were good enough to at least try.

So, Natsuki selected a bra and gave it to Mikoto, and we both hoped for good results. Only time would tell whether it had the desired effect.

.

Mai had invited most of us that the Carnival had brought together, and we all sat in a group on the blankets—except for the few who were out of town. Natsuki and I sat next to each other in one corner.

The group of us hadn't done much together since Mai's Christmas party, but we fell back into the fun repartee we enjoyed before the HiME Star drove us to insane conflict. A lot of good natured teasing passed back and forth. Nao even chimed in as she lay on her stomach on the other side of Natsuki. She seemed to enjoy taking part, and her comments seemed less barbed than in months past.

We even heard from the couple friends who couldn't come. Mai read us a letter from Takumi where he told of recovering from his successful surgery in an American hospital. Akira-chan was there, too, to take care of him. They were doing well together. Sugiura-sensei's postcard said she was having her variety of wild fun with her professor friend at what seemed to be a Middle-Eastern archaeological site.

Mai had fun feeding us, and her food was as good as always. It seemed that she still hadn't chosen between Tate-kun and Reito. Both wanted to date her, and she didn't seem to object to their attentions (or that from Mikoto). When Aoi teased her about being popular Mai responded, "Well love is good. Right Natsuki? Mikoto?"

Of course Mikoto agreed with Mai. I found Natsuki's quiet "Yeah" warmed me far better than the hot tea I was drinking, though I doubt anyone else saw through the control I kept of my face to notice how touched I was. Now that I think about it, Natsuki seemed to be developing an extra sense where she might just be able to see that, and that felt remarkably good. For now, it was good enough to simply keep Natsuki company in public.

ooo OOO ooo

What Mai really loved and wanted to do after the picnic was go sing karaoke together, so we arranged to meet that evening in a classroom she'd borrowed for that purpose.

Natsuki and I left the picnic together. As we walked off, I realized that graduating meant losing the joy of accidentally running into her in the halls at school. But it did not mean that I would never see her: we would continue our regular study sessions together. My insecurities raised their snarling head again, pointing out that I hadn't actually confirmed this assumption with her.

"Um, Natsuki," I asked, "Even though I'll be in college, would you like to continue getting together to study? It's not like we were normally studying the same thing." I stopped myself from continuing to babble and looked over at her, begging her to help to deal with my insecurities by confirming my hope.

"Sure," she replied, looking a little confused. "I sorta assumed we would and..." Her voice dropped as did her eyes. "I'd miss it if we stopped."

"Thank you, Natsuki." Something in my voice brought her gaze back up, and she must have seen the grateful happiness in my face as it brought forth a little smile in hers. It felt really good that we both assumed that we would not stop meeting to study together, and that we both wanted to continue. _Thank you so much, Natsuki._

* * *

**Cultural Note:**  
"The hundred" which Shizuru refers to is the _Hyakunin Isshu_, a thirteenth century collection of one hundred poems, each from a different poet. This part of the normal literature curriculum. It is also widely known as the basis for _uta-karuta_, the traditional Japanese card game which relies on knowing the collection.

Shizuru once again is following tradition in only giving a passing reference to the poem she is speaking of, trusting her readers are familiar with this collection and will know the full poem without her having to repeat it. The poem she calls her former favorite is the following:

.

_O, jeweled thread of life!  
if you are to break, then break now!  
For, if I live on,  
my ability to hide my love  
will most surely weaken!_

_—Princess Shokushi, Hyakunin Isshu #89_

Shizuru's official character profile lists this as her favorite words. I think you can see how her preference might well change as her relationship with Natsuki develops, especially after Natsuki's gift of flowers last chapter.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Thank you all for reading and sharing your thoughts on **Rebirth of Love**. Your reviews are making me blush, and my muse keeps asking to read them again and again.

A couple of you have commented on Natsuki's doubts and Shizuru's patience. Natsuki still doubts her feelings because she has no experience with ones like this and is still learning what they are and how to deal with them. Shizuru is patient with her because Natsuki is worth it.

I'm glad to hear that the cultural notes (and other touches like flower language) seem to work.

Thanks for sticking with this story. I hope you continue to enjoy it and share your thoughts (good or bad).

.

While editing **Midwife of the Soul**, **Avadan232** discovered that I—as well as Shizuru and Natsuki—had managed to ignore, or at least pass over, Sakomizu's comment about taking extra classes. So, I went back and added a couple words here as well to clear that up.


	20. Chapter 20: Karaoke Can Be Fun

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 20**

**Karaoke Can Be Fun**

* * *

_Lovely as the spring haze  
Softening verdant hills and fields  
On a sunny day  
Is your graceful figure,  
Which I constantly adore._

_—A Maiden of Harima, Manyoushuu #1913_

.

That evening I returned to the classroom Mai had set up for karaoke. I was impressed at the job she had done. Not only did she get the machine and light-show, she even managed to find a pair couches so this seemed much more like a real karaoke box than ordinary classroom chairs would have. The back of my head wondered if she maneuvered Reito and Tate-kun into doing all the heavy lifting for her while she decorated the blackboard. I'm not sure all of us there would have dubbed this a meeting of the "Karaoke Lovers' Society" as she did, but we weren't going to make her change her decoration. She certainly loved it enough to make up for those of us who didn't.

Natsuki actually arrived before I did. No doubt Mai had dragged her here. Nor did Natsuki have the opportunity I had taken to spend a little more time with my parents (which we all enjoyed).

Natsuki ended up seated between Sagisawa-sensei and Mikoto. I was disappointed at the lack of an empty seat next to her for me to take, so I settled for sneaking up behind Natsuki and giving her a hug.

Of course she was surprised, and flustered, and very cute, too. She didn't get mad—for which I was grateful; I intended this to be equal parts friendly teasing and love. In fact, her only reaction was a slight narrowing of her eyes as she turned and quietly asked me:

"In public?"

I briefly tightened my hug and gave her a big smile so she would know how much I appreciated this, both her sentiments and also pitching her voice to keep this just between us. I wonder if her calm response was a result of her realization about my teasing. Regardless, she made me happy.

Mikoto bounced up to continue enjoying the evening elsewhere, energetically. I took this opportunity to quietly take the seat she vacated next to Natsuki. Natsuki was determined not to sing. She had told me of the bad experience she had last time when she was forced to dress up as well as sing at karaoke. I would have supported her decision regardless, but I felt such forcing was going too far. I likewise did not sing, partly from lack of inclination on my own part, and partly to remain sitting together with Natsuki. I simply enjoyed the happy atmosphere, and I think Natsuki did as well.

As the evening wore on, others got up to sing and sat back down. This pushed Natsuki and I closer together into contact. I was glad to note that Natsuki didn't even flinch when our thighs touched, though a touch of pink colored her cheeks. She glanced over, wearing a hint of a smile, and suddenly my chest was full and warm. After Sagisawa-sensei got up, relieving the squeeze that pushed us together, Natsuki never moved to break our contact.

I enjoyed this evening of karaoke far more than I first expected.

ooo OOO ooo

As the evening wound down, Tate-kun once again aroused Shiho-chan's jealousy by paying attention to Mai. This time when Shiho-chan jumped up to attack—or at least claim—him, she tripped over Mikoto—who was still bouncing around—and landed on the table, launching a yet unfinished plate of egg-rolls and a couple drinks toward Natsuki.

I looked over at an astonished Natsuki, quite soaked by the sticky dipping sauce from the egg-rolls, not to mention a nearly full glass of juice.

The back of my head pointed out that she had neither dodged or deflected the plate or drinks, even though she certainly had the skill to do so. Was that because they likely would then have hit me? Does that mean she was defending me? Or had she let down her guard enough that her attention was taken by me sitting next to her rather than potential threats? I couldn't come up with a bad answer.

I was also mildly surprised that she didn't react with the blast of icy outrage Shiho-chan's actions would normally have earned. She rather seemed more concerned about me, and looked relieved to find I was OK.

I don't know what Natsuki might have done next, for Mikoto also saw her soaked in sauce and drink, grabbed Natsuki and dragged her from the room, saying, "Natsuki, I'll take you to wash up."

Mikoto has a good heart and has developed an interesting relationship with Natsuki. They sometimes seem like a mature dog and the kitten she's adopted. I'm sure Mikoto was concerned for her friend, but I briefly wondered whether she was also worried about the waste of food.

The rest of us stayed to clean the mess up from the floor and table (we had shielded the couch with our bodies). As we began picking up the dishes and fragments of food from the floor, Mai noticed I had also been caught in some of the spray.

"Fujino-san, you have to come back to the dorms and wash that out of your hair" she declared. "I can loan you some clean clothes, too."

I agreed, and we headed over to Mai's dorm, leaving Shiho-chan and the others to finish cleaning up the classroom and returning it to its normal state. Yukino promised to make sure everything was handled properly. I smiled at the way she naturally assumed this responsibility as Student Council president.

.

When we arrived at the dorms, Mai motioned me toward the bath while she headed to her closet. Mikoto was nowhere in sight. I quietly undressed, noticing that Natsuki's clothing was in the other basket in the changing room. It was with mixed emotions that I approached the door to the bath itself. Mai expected me to wash, yet Natsuki was in there. I was surprised to feel I could control myself around her, but I wondered how she would react—whether she might not want me here.

I entered, and Natsuki gave me a very cute expression of surprise, chagrin and embarrassment.

"Shizuru," she squawked, "what are you doing here?"

"I got caught by some of the same sauce and juice that you took the brunt of," I explained. "Mai-han insisted I come back here and clean up."

"Oh." Natsuki's expression calmed, but she continued looking at me rather than returning to her washing.

"May I come in?" I asked, not quite knowing how best to proceed.

"Sure." Natsuki got up and headed over to the bath to soak.

"Thank you, Natsuki."

I sat down in front of the taps, and quickly washed my hair and body. While I did, I occasionally glanced at Natsuki in the mirror. She sat submerged up to her nose in the steaming bath. I once caught her averting her gaze and often felt her eyes on my back. They felt good, and I hoped this would not be the only time I would feel her clear, curious green eyes tenderly, visually caress my n... I changed my line of thought, considering it safer to think of something other than her visually caressing me.

I finished rinsing off, stood up and approached the tub.

"May I join you?" I hesitantly asked.

Natsuki drew her legs up. "Come on in," she quietly said.

I accepted Natsuki's invitation and lowered myself into the bath. We arranged ourselves to comfortably share the tub. We sat in companionable silence, facing each other from the ends of the tub our legs stretched out side by side. It seemed the hot water was heating her entire body as her cheeks were now a rosy red, and I felt mine were showing the heat as well.

Sitting here in the calming, heated water together with Natsuki seemed better than anything. I enjoyed her presence and her company and wished to do nothing to upset this wonderful situation. The fact that neither of us were wearing anything didn't seem so significant at this moment. Maybe the "peace of the bathhouse" is more than just a saying, for while Natsuki looks stunningly beautiful, what I truly wanted was for her to enjoy this quiet time. Any uninvited touching or groping from me would definitely spoil that, so I felt no urge to do anything like that to her. Better yet, Natsuki also seemed content to just sit here together, and seemed unembarrassed by our ...natural condition.

After a bit, Natsuki asked, "Did Mai say she'd loan you some clean clothes? If she didn't..." She trailed off into silence.

"She did offer, but..." I found I also had trouble talking of what I thought she might be offering.

"Thank you," I finally said, grateful for her unstated offer, but just as much for our time here together.

"You're welcome. I—" She ducked her head underwater and came up cheeks redder from the hot water. "I think your waist and height are closer to mine than Mai's, so... if you... think something of mine would fit better..."

"Thank you, Natsuki." My heart was in my answer, and I was surprised at how this felt both so natural and also so embarrassing ...to both of us, it seemed. Perhaps the color in our cheeks was not only due to the hot water. "I may well take you up on your offer," I added.

"Go ahead." A hint of a smile graced Natsuki's face. It looked like she hoped I would accept.

We stayed in the tub together a while longer, then by unspoken agreement that we had soaked sufficiently, we both stood up and climbed out of the bath. We finished drying in the changing room. Natsuki simply put on her pajamas. Without thinking, I began to put on the clothes Mai had laid out for me and noticed a shadow cross Natsuki's face.

I unfastened Mai's miniskirt and asked, "Natsuki, this seems a little tight, would you possibly...?"

Natsuki broke off drying her hair. "Let me get something," she answered, heading out the door. Her tone spoke of pleasure at being asked.

She quickly returned with the skirt she had worn to Mai's Christmas party and a nice sweater. "I hope these fit better," she said, handing them to me. "...and that the colors work for you."

"They look lovely," I said, taking the skirt first. "Let's see about the fit, and don't worry about colors, I'm just returning to my place, not going on a date. But the colors are very attractive."

I had to laugh here, pleased by Natsuki's sequence of expressions at my reply: happy about the appearance, anxious about the fit, relieved about the colors, and perplexed how to react at my comment about the date. Was she thinking of a date with me? (I was.) Was she worried I might date someone else? (Never!) Needless to say, all of her reactions were terribly cute, but I found my heart most warmed by her concern and also her picking nicer things for me and thinking of appearances. Did I find these colors especially attractive because they were ones Natsuki liked? (Perhaps.) What warmed my heart even more was that by simply following my natural inclination and accepting _her_ offer over Mai's, I had made Natsuki happy.

The skirt fit perfectly. Mai's hadn't fit badly, but this felt far better. And the feel of Natsuki's sweater was a tender caress.

"Thank you Natsuki. These do fit much better." My smile to her was full and sincere. "I'll wash them and get them back to you..." I paused, considering my next few days' schedule.

"Don't worry. I suspect there will be a chance to soon enough."

"Thank you."

Those sincere thanks were as much for the implied promise of more time together as the reassurance and loan.

.

Mai raised half an eyebrow at my apparel when we appeared back in her dorm room and I handed her back her clothes.

"Thank you for your assistance, Mai-han, Natsuki," I said.

"You're welcome," Mai replied. "I'm sorry the party had to end with you getting messed up." She looked like it she felt it was her fault since she had organized the party.

"It's all right. I still had a good time."

Natsuki said nothing, but accompanied her nod with a small smile. I think she understood that I meant our shared bath as much as the karaoke party.

"Yukino called to say they're mostly done cleaning up," Mai added. "She said Mikoto came back to help."

"Good." Natsuki grinned. "I sent her."

It was my turn to smile and nod.

.

As I left the dorms at Fuuka for what I could consider the last time of my high-school career, I realized that in a strangely literal and intimate way, I was taking some of Natsuki with me—even though she remained there to sleep in the room she shared with Mai and Mikoto. Better yet, we had a promise to meet again. These thoughts interwove in my heart to bring a warm peace and contentment. I hugged Natsuki's sweater to me and continued walking to the bus stop, happily enveloped in Natsuki's caring.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
I've tried to stay true to the anime in this story, such as including Mai's karaoke party here. Thank you for also noticing those scenes in the previous chapter. I think avoiding both singing and cosplaying made karaoke a lot more palatable to Natsuki—and perhaps Shizuru's company also helped.

The scene where Shizuru surprises Natsuki in the bath only appears in the extended version of episode 26 on the DVDs. It seemed too cute not to include here, though I ended up expanding it considerably beyond the 8 seconds on the DVD to give Shizuru and Natsuki yet another special time together.

Of course, I've invented some things entirely, like Shizuru's parents. Hopefully they fit in with everything else. Yes, they are understanding, but I'm happy they are that way (as is Shizuru). They appear more in my other Mai HiME stories set after Shizuru's graduation, and I expect them to show up next chapter as well.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and continuing to read **Rebirth of Love**. My muse and my beta both extend their thanks as well. We hope you enjoy this chapter. Please continue to let us know what you think.

ooo OOO ooo

It seems I confused some of you with the original wording of the last paragraph of this chapter, making you wonder why Natsuki didn't use her bike. So I changed the first sentence to hopefully clarify that. It originally was: "...I realized that in a strangely literal and intimate way, I was taking some of Natsuki with me, and that we had a promise to meet again."


	21. Chapter 21: Spring Flowers

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 21**

**Spring Flowers**

* * *

_After years  
Of our ardent love,  
We meet today.  
Speak endearing words to me  
That our love may be unending._

_—Lady Ōtomo-no-Sakanoue, Manyoushuu #661_

.

The next morning my parents had to return to Kyoto. They would have liked to stay longer, but Dad had an important meeting with one of his bank's clients which he could neither postpone nor avoid. It was all he could do to make time to come to my graduation, which I quite appreciated.

Fortunately we had time to share breakfast before they had to catch their train. We picked a small coffee shop near the station in order to make the most of our time together. Mom enjoyed the warm European atmosphere, as well as the antiques from the other half of their business. Dad also enjoyed this, but placed a higher priority on the good food and service we received.

The atmosphere helped us relax as we shared another family meal. Our location combined with the train schedule so there was no need to rush. We enjoyed chatting, catching up on each others lives. I said almost nothing of Natsuki, for I had nothing definite to tell of her yet, save that she was a _good_ friend and that we seemed to quite enjoy each others company. And I still wasn't sure I had her permission to make those kinds of declarations about her.

Instead, I talked more about what I was expecting academically at University. My parents were, of course, interested in this and also my reasons for choosing Fuuka University. It had a good academic program, and I had already established personal contacts with several of the local industries they worked together with during my work on the Student Council.

Dad could tell I had thought through my decision carefully, and was happy to know my choice of university was based on consideration of data, not a mere whim. "Fuuka does sound like a good school, especially for you," He added.

"In addition," I explained, "by attending the university here in Fuuka, I will be able to continue building on the relationships with friends I have made here."

"Like perhaps Natsuki-han—I think that is what you said her name was—who you said was coming over and studying together with you?" Mother asked.

I nodded in agreement, thankful for the excuse that I had just taken a bite.

Perhaps Mother timed her question so I need not answer because my mouth was full. Then again, she might once again have seen more deeply into me than I understood. Either way, I knew she judged with love and acceptance: never condemnation.

She seemed to sense it would be all right to ask more.

"Will you be able to continue that?" Mother wondered.

I smiled. "We expect to."

I suspect Mother's acceptance helped my subconscious lower some barriers and respond as "we." Simply referring to Natsuki and me that way made me feel happily warm, and Mother's answering smile only added to this good feeling.

Dad smiled and nodded quietly in agreement. His approval redoubled the good feelings Natsuki and Mother had started.

After more talk of home and their doings back in Kyoto, our time for breakfast drew to an end.

"Thank you for arranging things and coming out for my graduation," I said. They understood I appreciated not only their efforts, but also their supporting presence at this transition in my life. But I felt I had more to add. "You've reminded me how I've missed your company. I'll see what I can do to come visit more."

This made Mother quite happy—and Dad too. "Thank you," she said, and I could tell she very much hoped I could, but also that she would not criticize my independent choice not to come home at New Year's. She was trying to believe my reason was sufficient, and her job was made harder by my not yet telling her my full, true reasons.

I hoped Natsuki truly was the sufficient reason I felt she was, but there was a certainty in the love of my parents that I did not have from her—yet, I hoped. I wondered if I would always be torn between this certainty and hope. I know my parents support me, and want me to be happy on my own, and want to support me when I need it, but...

I took the last sip of my tea and carefully set my cup back on it's saucer. Dad and I exchanged a glance and an understanding.

"It looks like it's that time," he remarked.

It was, we all agreed, so we got up and headed toward the door. Dad stopped by the register to pay for breakfast.

ooo OOO ooo

I saw my parents off at the train station, then returned to school, where I decided to wander through the flower gardens by the director's mansion. Maybe they would bring me calm. The surrounding sakura were arrayed in blossoms of their finest, palest pink, as if they too dressed up to celebrate graduation. Some of the beds here were also abloom with colorful, fresh blossoms. These blossoms of new life proclaimed hope for the coming spring, and I wondered if I might also partake in this hope.

.

A piece of my hope was answered, for there in the gardens stood Natsuki, staring at one of the flower beds where marguerite daisies grew solid green. They would soon send forth their white blossoms, but not yet. Occasionally a breath of wind would come and gently play with her lovely hair. It felt odd to envy the wind its freedom to do that.

I watched her for a little, then quietly walked up behind her. Maybe I could turn our conversation to our future now that I was graduating, but long habit led me to open with a little teasing.

"Natsuki, are you looking for something in the flower beds?"

"No... well maybe yes," she answered, seeming both surprised at my appearing, yet also not. "Do you remember this flower bed?" The hint of a blush lent her cheeks a beauty no rouge could ever hope to duplicate.

_Do I remember? Of course!_ For it was at this very flower bed where I first met Natsuki, and where she captured my heart. I wonder exactly what love fortune these flowers had given those years ago. I know what I hoped it was.

"How could I forget?" I answered, stepping up beside her and gazing with her at the bed. "I remember a cute girl ready to crush some flowers there."

"She was," Natsuki agreed, "but now I know the flowers should instead be cherished. They're trying their best to bloom during their short life." She held out her hand to me and added, "Like I'm trying to do. Thank you for teaching me that... and so much more."

I hesitantly took her outstretched hand, as I savored her touch along with the fact she seemed to remember our meeting here as well as I do, and even more that she was thanking me for helping her. I hoped I would be able to continue to, and that she would continue to welcome it.

"This is where we first met, isn't it," I said out loud. I heard quiet awe and gratitude in my voice as I continued, "You even remember what I said back then?"

I felt Natsuki tighten her grasp of my hand.

"Yes," she answered. "Since then you've done so much for me, taught me so much... of caring, of life... of love." She turned from the flower bed to look straight at me. "I don't want to lose you now that you've graduated. Please, keep teaching me. Please, I..."

My breath caught in my throat and my heart raced as Natsuki paused, maybe to find words, maybe out of kindness to let my thoughts catch up. Was she really saying this? My brain could not spare time to think, it was too busy feeling and sensing, and saving every bit of this away as a memory to be treasured for the rest of my life.

Natsuki let go of my hand and moved both of hers to my waist to hold me facing her. My heart stopped, waiting, fearing, hoping as she looked straight into my eyes, her own open and trusting, green windows on her beautiful soul.

"I love you," she declared. "I'm only starting to see how much. Please teach me of love—of your kind of love."

And my heart started back up again. It had to have, for how else could the hot flush of blood flow to my cheeks as Natsuki drew _me_ close.

"Do you really mean this?" I asked. I have never felt so weak and vulnerable. I felt a single word could have shattered my entire being. I begged for confirmation, "Is this what _you_ want for yourself? Not for me, for yourself."

"Yes."

And then all was right with the world. More right than it had ever been in my entire life.

My eyes widened in surprise and joy, then closed as Natsuki pulled me even closer and sealed her answer with a hesitant kiss. My body responded to this most profound desire without waiting for my mind, and I returned Natsuki's kiss and her embrace, equally hesitantly and tenderly at first—as I could not believe this was truly happening—but with growing depth and passion as we both realized this was real, this was good, this was true, and that this was what we both very much wanted.

As we stood there, holding each other so tightly that we were more one person than two, a gust of wind came up and blew our hair together, mingled raven and chestnut. And the cold of that wind had no power over the warmth of our hearts.

.

We finally broke our kiss to simply savor looking into each others eyes. In my happiness, I playfully rubbed noses with Natsuki. When her response was a little laugh of joy that also shown through her whole face, I felt the tight band of fear fall free from around my heart, to disappear and never be seen again.

I still couldn't believe my good fortune. Dreams like this just don't come true.

"Are you all right with this, Natsuki?" I had to ask, "With this twisted love?"

Natsuki's eyes hardened for a moment, and I feared my hope had betrayed me or that I had offended her.

"It's not twisted, my dear." Natsuki contradicted me, canceling my fear. "It is simply love." Her words were a salve to my soul. She continued her healing in deed and word as she tightened her arms around me adding, "And yes, I've found I really do love you."

My breath caught and my heart pounded.

Was this true? Did Natsuki truly believe this?

I looked into her eyes and hoped.

And I saw her eyes shining with sincerity, and truth, and love.

It is true! Natsuki does believe this!

"Oh Natsuki!"

That was all I could say. That was all I need say. I held Natsuki tight as tears of joy unsurpassed ran down my face.

I do not know how long we stayed in that special world together. Was it an instant or an eternity? There was nothing else there, not even time, only Natsuki and I and our love.

.

Slowly, eventually, we returned from that special, private place to the present world. We looked around to find ourselves once more among trees and flower-gardens and time. I was grateful to find these had been the only witnesses to our confession. Our words and feelings here had been so intensely personal and powerful, that they should be kept always as a private treasure for just the two of us. We could let the rest of the world know the result in good time, but this treasure was ours. Natsuki felt the same.

"What should we tell the others?" I asked. We no longer questioned the bond we shared, but we should agree on how to present ourselves to the world, and when. Natsuki was wondering the same thing herself.

"I want to shout it from the top of the school: how lucky I am," she replied. "But... I'm sorry, I'm also afraid of being teased about it, or worse. I guess I'm not very strong."

_But Natsuki, it is I who is so tremendously lucky._

Then I realized we were _both_ that lucky, and that felt even better. My heart went out to Natsuki for her fear, for it is one that has been part of me for years. I would do anything to help her.

"I understand," I said, and gave her a tender, knowing smile. For I truly did, and knew how other's understanding helped me. "But you're stronger than you think you are." _Yes Natsuki, far, far stronger._ "I have found society does not look kindly on my orientation," I observed. Then, in hope, I added, "...Or can I say our orientation?"

"Yes. It's mine too," Natsuki replied.

The smile she gave me with that declaration turned my knees to water and filled my heart with the warm, sustaining hearth-fire of home and love.

_Natsuki, you're giving me so many priceless presents today. How do you keep making me love you more and more?_

"How did you deal with others? Can you teach me?" She asked for specific help this time. Then she practically answered her own question. "If you're there to help, to rely on, to love, then yes, I think I can face the world."

"I will always be here for you, Natsuki. If there's _anything_ I can do to help you, I want to. Please let me." I paused to gather my thoughts. Natsuki's declaration itself gave me the strength to actually do the _anything_ I just offered. One thought I gathered from this was that Natsuki found that loving me gave her strength to face the world. I was not so surprised, as I already knew the strength and peace that Natsuki's acceptance of my love gave me.

"Please ask for anything," I told her. "I don't want to scare you off with how much I want to do for you, ...and sometimes it even scares me."

I could rely on her to keep me from my own tendency to over-act. Now that we were talking, sharing our thoughts and minds, I need have few doubts about what she wanted and needed, and so could simply do that.

"Thank you, dear," Natsuki said.

Her simple, glad acceptance made my day, my world, and my life complete.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
And so Shizuru and Natsuki finally have the confession and kiss we have been waiting for. Hopefully you found this chapter both cute and heartwarming, and have found it worth the length of the journey here. I know Shizuru feels so, and will claim to have received the greater reward (rightly so, in my opinion). I think everyone will agree that this chapter was _very_ good for both Shizuru and Natsuki.

.

It seems I might have been a bit unclear in the last paragraph of the previous chapter and confused some of you. Sorry about that. I changed that paragraph a little to hopefully clear things up. Could the events there in the bath and after have helped Natsuki get her thoughts about Shizuru in order? Perhaps. Maybe they also brought her realization and resolve.

.

Yes, Shizuru has been working hard to hold back from hugging and kissing Natsuki up until this chapter. She still wonders whether what she did to Natsuki during the Carnival is forgivable. Back in chapter 1, "Aftermath", she describes her actions: "what I had done to her was an unforgivable violation of her privacy, her independence, ...of her very self." So she has resolved to _never_ do anything like that again to Natsuki without explicit permission. Now she finally has that permission. Nothing could make her happier.


	22. Chapter 22: A New Day

**Rebirth of Love  
Musings of a Recovering Yandere  
Chapter 22**

**A New Day**

* * *

_Did you come to me  
because I dropped off to sleep  
tormented by love?  
If I had known I dreamed,  
I would not have awakened._

_—Ono no Komachi, Kokinshuu #552_

.

I opened my eyes the next morning to a dilemma of dreaming—not of whether I was a butterfly or a human, but rather whether I was awake or dreaming. The sight before me was one that had featured in many happy, hopeful dreams: Natsuki lay next to me, and her sleeping face wore the most peaceful, happy expression I had ever seen, better even than the one she wore in my dreams. Something this good simply had to be a dream; it was too good to be true. But if perchance this could be true...

I sent part of my mind back to last night and yesterday on a quest to answer this question, while the rest of it stayed here to savor Natsuki's presence. Whether real or dream, this was something to enjoy now and also save as a precious memory to which I would return for the rest of my life. The questing part of my mind found that I might just be fortunate enough for it to be true.

Yesterday Natsuki had confessed to me—confessed _her love_ to me.

Her words, "Please teach me of love—of your kind of love," continued to bring me warmth and joy. We later talked about those words and decided that "_our_ kind of love" was really the correct way to say it, but that in no way diminishes the joy her words brought me. In fact, Natsuki agreeing that this was also her kind of love made me even happier. I will treasure these words for the rest of my life, as I will our second kiss, there in the garden, among the blooming sakura trees.

Natsuki also showed her love by defending me, from myself even. I treasure her correction, "It's not twisted, my dear. It is simply love."

_Thank you for your courage to contradict me, Natsuki, and for believing this. Since you believe it, I will also try my best to, though I may need your help._ And I now knew this was help she would gladly give.

These thoughts, and the physicality of the beautiful Natsuki next to me, convinced me that this was real enough. So I dared more. I reached out to brush a lock of hair out of Natsuki's face so she wouldn't end up eating it. I then let my hand give her cheek a tender caress. Knowing that I had Natsuki's permission to do this, and better yet, that she enjoyed it, was a gift beyond price.

This didn't even awaken my sleeping lover. It seemed that Natsuki's sleeping mind knew and trusted me at some profound, subconscious level.

She simply mumbled in her sleep, "Mm... Shizuru," and pulled me closer. What else could I do but return her embrace, just as I had longed to do for so many years.

"Natsuki, I love you," I whispered into her hair.

My nose was filled with the clean, cool scent of Natsuki's shampoo, and my head as well as my nose were filled with the subtler yet infinitely better smell that was Natsuki herself. We continued holding each other, one asleep in pleasant dreams, the other awake in a reality better than any dream ever was or could have been.

The wheels of my brain would not stop spinning as I lay there, but now rather than uncertainty and doubt or pain and anxiety, they brought me reassurance and peace. My dear Natsuki brought me these.

She had saved me from madness, from becoming what I would never wish to be, and it was with her help that I ...no, that _we_ could keep my demons of madness locked away where they could hurt no one.

She showed me that neither I nor my love are twisted. It took her words yesterday to finally make me understand, but now I see that over the past months she has been showing me this through constant actions—small and large—that I now see speak louder and more truly than words. In those words and deeds, she also shows that she believes and accepts and loves me.

And finally she gave herself to me, just as I have given myself to her ...forever. I found I had no more need for possessiveness, for it is far, far better to give myself to her than to try to have her.

Here in Natsuki's arms, I realized not just my body, but now too my soul, was finally reborn. Just as we had died in each others arms, so too were we reborn. Our bodies returned to fight and finish the Carnival, to destroy the Obsidian Lord and the HiME Star. This night completed the rebirth of my spirit, a miracle which only Natsuki could perform.

I hoped that I might be able to do something equally good for her. Seeing the peace and happiness in her face, I thought that perhaps I had done a little, for gone was the anger, the need for revenge, and the distrust of all, which had formed yet warped her youth. In their place was the serene confidence that she would never be alone again, that I would _always_ be here for her.

.

I was content to lie here forever holding my dear sleeping Natsuki and being held by her. Eventually I felt the small stirrings of her beginning to wake. I pulled my head back a little and was treated to the lovely sight of her slowly opening her eyes.

"Good morning, love," I greeted her.

Her response was better yet, for she replied by melting my heart with our first good-morning kiss. This was no perfunctory peck either. It showed the full depth of her feeling. I returned it with all my love, and we lost ourselves in each other for a while, in no hurry to stop. Finally we did, and lay back in each others arms, gazing into each others eyes and souls.

"I'd like to stay like this forever," I commented, "but perhaps it's time to get up."

"OK. Breakfast together?" she wondered.

Yes, "together" was the perfect answer.

ooo OOO ooo

We finally got up, made our way to the kitchen, and started making breakfast together. Natsuki set the table while I got ready to cook. I was still the better cook between us and quite happy to do so, but someday I hoped to teach Natsuki.

I stood up from the refrigerator to find the pan I would use sitting ready for me, next to the teakettle Natsuki had also taken out. She got a kiss for that. I then showed her the eggs I'd gotten out to cook for us and tilted my head in question.

"Sure. That looks good," she replied, then grinned at me. "And if you put veggies on my plate to go with those, I'll even eat them."

"Thank you, dear." I smiled back. I don't know whether she would eat them because they were good for her, or just to make me happy. It would do the later, regardless.

More than a few loving words, caresses, and kisses later, I began frying our eggs. Natsuki had finished setting the table, came up behind me, and enveloped me in a hug. I leaned back into her embrace and rubbed my cheek against hers. My pool of long unfulfilled dreams was shrinking dramatically.

We both lost track of time, so wonderful was our closeness and embrace. The eggs ended up overcooked, though still edible. Neither of us minded at all, especially given the cause.

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Soon we were sitting facing each other at the table once more. Our simple companionship as we shared this meal felt wonderful to both of us.

In the middle of the table sat the single, precious orange Natsuki had given me last night as a graduation present. She also remembered—and was moved by—the ending of _Orange Days_, and this echoed the orange Sae gave Kai then, and that orange was as much a part of her "yes" to him as her smile and hug.

I looked at Natsuki, took a sip of tea, and set my cup down.

"This reminds me of that first breakfast we had here after you arrived that rainy night," I commented.

"Yeah, it does." Natsuki smiled at the memory of the meal that had begun so much good ...for both of us. She remembered more and asked, "Are your nightmares better now?"

"My nightmares have not returned at all of late. And the good dreams..." I looked down at my plate. I was still learning to open up to this new, wonderful, loving Natsuki. I continued in a low voice, full of truth, "you've made them come true, my love."

It was Natsuki's turn to buy time for thought with a sip of her tea. She set her cup down and gave me a wonderful smile.

"Thanks for waiting for me. I'm sorry I took so long to see."

"That's quite all right," I replied. I know Natsuki understood, welcomed, and returned the pure love shining from my face. "It's been worth the wait."

Conversation flowed between us, sharing parts of our lives, large and small; funny, happy, sad, and all. We kept talking long after we were done eating, but the time together and our sharing was far too wonderful to want to ever stop.

Finally we reached a lull in our conversation, and I thought maybe it was time to wash the dishes, before the egg started to become a structural component of them. I looked up at Natsuki and tilted my head.

"Shall we?" I asked.

"Yeah."

Natsuki nodded and began stacking the dishes to more easily carry into the kitchen before standing up.

The table was quickly cleared, each of us taking half the table settings, though not always what we had personally used. I fell to washing the dishes while Natsuki dried and put them away. Every fork or plate I handed her was another chance to look into each others eyes, and tenderly touch each others hands. Who knew that washing dishes together was so romantic.

I had to scrub to clean out the frying pan where the eggs had suffered from our loving inattention. While I scrubbed, my mind continued putting recent events in order. Reborn really was the word now to describe Natsuki and I. Both our lives were certainly new and different and better. Far different from that parody of affection during the Carnival. Since then, we had made a new life, a new world, a new love. Yet the roots of each of these stretched back into our past and our past selves, and drew strength from them.

I handed the clean pan to Natsuki with another smile and caress. How many other couples had a chance like this, at a new life and love after dying in each other's arms. And in Natsuki's arms I know I will always find protection, and love, and welcome.

I wiped the sink and dried my hands while Natsuki dried that last pan and put it away. A glance between us confirmed we were of one mind. I was in Natsuki's arms, and she in mine—holding each other tight with all of our love.

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We could not stay like this forever: Natsuki had an exam to take today. I descended the stairs with her and wished her, "_itterasshai_," as she mounted her bike. Her reply of, "_ittekimasu_," brightened both of our smiles. This felt perfectly natural, and very good ...to both of us. We would exchange these words again, many times, ...in _our_ life.

I knew that I need never again fear my madness. She knew she need never again fear being alone. For in this new life together, we would always be there for each other.

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**Cultural Note:**  
Shizuru refers to the story by Sōushi (Zhuangzi) where he wonders whether he was a man who had dreamed of being a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming that he was a man. This ancient Chinese story has been known in Japan since at least the fifteenth century.

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Their exchange of "_itterasshai_" and "_ittekimasu_" is the standard between family members when one leaves home offering best wishes for a safe trip and return. See the note at the end of chapter 12, "An Offering of Orange", for a more detailed explanation.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
And so we come to the end of **Rebirth of Love**, though this is really just the beginning of Shizuru and Natsuki's life together.

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Here you have my take expanding the words on pages 16 and 24 of the second "Mai HiME Anime Book": "After being reborn from the destruction of the sealing pillars, and as a member of the HiME-sentai, destroying the hime-star, Natsuki was finally able to begin to tell her true feelings to the graduating Shizuru." And "When all the fighting was over, Natsuki once more spoke gentle words to Shizuru after her graduation. Before they are aware, happiness will visit them and..." I think that happiness more than just visits Shizuru and Natsuki; it comes to live with them as a part of _their_ life. Those of you who have read my other _Mai HiME_ stories know that I see more good life ahead for this happy couple.

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Thank you all for your continued support, sticking with it, reading it all, and sharing your thoughts with me. My muse and I both appreciate this and it means a great deal to us. We sat down to count, and find that this story has twice as many reviews as my next-most-reviewed story, and a full third of _all_ reviews for my fiction. My muse is trying to toast me in congratulations, but I point out to her that it is really you, my readers, who deserve the toast, so together she and I raise a glass to you. Thank you for staying with us throughout Shizuru and Natsuki's journey from pain and isolation to a lasting love and joy _together._

While I don't claim to have come anywhere close, I have aimed at the same goal as the Japanese poets of a millennium ago. I hope to have given at least a tiny taste of it.

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_Japanese poetry has the human heart as seed and the myriads of words as leaves. It comes into being when men use the seen and the heard to give voice to the feelings aroused by the innumerable events in their lives._

_—Ki no Tsurayuki, Kokinshuu_

Please continue to share your thoughts and reactions. Now that you've read the whole thing, how does **Rebirth of Love** work as an entire story? Have I kept true to Shizuru and Natsuki's characters, and actually grown them believably? Do Shizuru's thoughts and literary references seem to work?

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I have a few other ideas on what to write next, but they are a bit too nebulous at the moment, and my muse is laughing and dancing, dangling them just outside of my reach. Hopefully she will choose to show them to me, but she is is a friend and ally, not a servant to command, granting me inspiration in the time of _her_ choosing, not of mine. Wish us both luck.


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